You tell ‘em girl!!

Okay… so the show started off with a bang! Spencer is trying to be all stealth and spy on her sister and her new husband, Ian. (who was banging Ali at some point… remember Ali is the dead chick)

When the stairs make a noise on cue, Spenc flies back up the stairs and the couple is super worried someone heard. I think they were just discussing babies because we later find out they are trying to procreate. Which isn’t a good idea because creepy husband, Ian, may be a killer…. we don’t need murderous babies.

I spread a murderous seed

Spencer wants to prove that Ian and Ali spent a weekend together in South Carolina. This will prove they were banging and then this will prove that he murdered her. Spencer has no real proof of this yet, but she’ll find it… let’s not forget this is the girl that steals essays to win awards!

Crazy Noel is back to bribe Mr. Fitz to get an A+ on his paper because he’s too lazy and dumb to actually write a cohesive sentence. Mr. Fitz, who still looks like a wax figure, isn’t having any of this shit and gives Noel a big fat C.

Later on in the show A gets Noel in trouble for stealing answers to midterm exams, so that way  Mr. Principal will never believe Noel’s lies about Mr. Fitz and Aria. After this epic slow motion scene, Aria gets a text and it says “A is for Alison not amateur -A”….We get it A… you’re a bad bitch!

Don't try to bribe me punk... it's consensual.

Remember how last week the hundys were stolen out of the pasta box… well A taped it inside Hanna’s locker with a note saying “eat cupcakes and I’ll give you your money back”…. or something like that. I’m more concerned that A knows the locker code… if A will hit people with cars, they sure as shit will still textbooks. Watch your shit Hanna!!

So anyway, Hanna goes to the Bakery and gets the 6 cupcakes. They have pigs on them. Hanna used to be fat and Ali used to call her Hefty Hanna. It’s kind of sad. As she eats the cupcakes to get the money back…. some dumb ass jock is making pig noises at her. What a dick!

Eat 6 of me! -A

After Hanna is done chowing down on the cupcakes she gets a text from A telling her to throw them up. All of a sudden A is into promoting eating disorders, which is possibly the sickest thing this cray cray has done. As Hanna is in the bathroom she finds the 100′s plastered on the paper towels in the bathroom and a note that says “oink oink -A” . It’s weird, I don’t get it…. but she gets the money back.

Butt Chin is back to school and people are staring. Someone wrote “Killer” on his locker. FAKE! The school would totally wash that off. Butt Chin still looks like a falcon.

Biology Falcon!

The best part of the whole show is when a fat, angry, Asian boy steps in front of Butt Chin and says “MURDERER!” ZING!

Later on in the show… Butt Chin is swooping the streets (Get it?? Like a falcon???) and some child with a jew fro and an ice cream cone runs away in fear. It’s a sad moment. I actually feel bad for Butt Chin…and I never feel bad for Butt Chin. He runs behind a dumpster and a single tear rolls down his cheek. Break my heart ABC Family why don’t you!

Emily is still a lesbian and her mom is still a bitch. She finds weed in Maya’s backpack (Emily’s girlfriend) and gets her sent away to juvie camp. OVER WEED!??! Get over it! Anyway… the girls break Maya out, and Maya and Emily have a lesbian reunion in Spencer’s bedroom. It’s cute, there is a large amount of fire hazard candles and they dance. No one is that romantic at 16. Gay or not. Just saying.

I'm a romantic lesbain

As the lesbian rendezvous ends, the girls find the video of Ali and Ian meeting in the woods. The tapes end with Ali’s hand grasping the dirt in a stern fashion and then going limp. Is it a stern “wow this teenage sex in the dirt is so great” hand or is it “wow the guy I’m having sex with is murdering me” hand???

WHO KNOWS?!?!??

My favorite character Black Hooded Figure returns and is watching the girls watch this tape. They hear a noise, run after Black Hooded Figure in the woods and after a lot of sweeping camera action the show abruptly ends.

What we learned:

1) Mr. Fitz and Aria will continue to get it on.
2) A is such a bitch, but also kind of cares.
3) Black Hooded Figure is quick on foot.
4) You can easily escape from Juvie camp, but only if you’re a lesbian.
5) Ian is probably a murderous prick… let’s hope he doesn’t procreate.

-R