I’m throwing myself in a fake competition!! There are about 84754893 American Idol recaps that are published after this atrocity of a show airs, and I’m just a little fish in that sea.

My biggest competitor is Annie Barrett (Entertainment Weekly). She writes in a complete sentences, doesn’t make up words, is funny, and gets paid for it. I don’t know where I took a wrong turn in life but it might have started the night I drank way to much jungle juice so I wouldn’t be shy and talk to the boy that I loved. That night ended with me and my BFF walking briskly away from the Frat house because the police showed up. That might be the night where I asked “what’s the point of complete sentences?? He’ll never read my blog anyway!” *tear*

Okay… enough about my train wreck of a night… I’m going to recap these train wrecks and I’m gonna do it better. There still won’t be complete sentences, and there sure as shit will be made up words…. but all of that equals funny!! Plus… I got pictures bitches.

Are you with me ostrich???

That means yes by the way… get with it people.

First off… Ryan Seacrest’s voice over make me nervous. He takes this way too serious. How does he give 110% at all of his jobs?? I’m lucky if I give 77% at one of them. He’s a mess.

Is this the episode when they just walk in and the judges tell them yes or no. I hate this episode. This is a boring episode. Oh never mind… I don’t think it is. See?? This is why my recaps suck… because I don’t know what I’m doing.

STOP SAYING THIS IS THE BEST SEASON!!! You make the other seasons feel like crap… that’s like picking a favorite child. Jerks.

Haley Reinhart:

She’s singing something about God and a child. I bet she watches Oprah. She is like Carrie Bradshaw… but not as fun and I don’t want to be her. I don’t like her… why did she clear her throat in the middle of the song??

Ashton Jones:

Jennifer Hudson will EAT YOU for singing this song. EAT YOU!! (She sang that Dreamgirls song that all the black girls sing)

Thia Megia:

THAT IS NOT HER NAME!! IT RHYMES! I’ve always wanted a name that rhymed. Nice voice, but why is she singing such an old song??? And why is she wearing that sweater??? It’s not an ugly sweater party is it?? Idol is getting fancy!

Caleb Johnson:

Can’t read music.

Hipster Girl With Glasses:

Can’t sing.

Clint JOON BUG!

He’s the douche bag that kicked out my Jacee?!?!?!? What a dick! I officially hate him. I don’t care that he looks like an eye doctor in those glasses and I don’t care that he sounds like a cat getting stepped on.. I will not root for anyone who picks on the fat kid.

Kendra Chantelle:

You’re good. Steven Tyler wants to sleep with you. You should do it. It might get you farther.

I liked this girl with the bangs.. I missed her name (rock star blogger/re-capper here!!)

Chris Medina:

Why do they bother showing him?? We know he makes it. Wait.. does he make it?? He’s not doing very well. Poor guy has way more on his mind than this…

Carson Higgins:

He may have a drug problem to BRAH!! He’s the Norman Gentle Circa 2011. Yes, you are crazy. I hope him and Ashley Sullivan hookup. (I know have 3 fake love stories going for this season)

INSTRUMENTS?!?!? I thought that wasn’t allowed. Who slept with  Nigel Lythoge to get this to happen???

Julia Petticoat (Zorilla)

Singing to Casey Abrams. Obviously. Duh. They better get married.

Colton Dixon:

I think he’s going to be a huge tool. But I’m going to have to find excuses to like him. My first one will be his perfectly angled hair. That is what I call a sharp swoop.

Brett Loewenstern:

Look more awkward with that guitar. Please.

Casey Abrams:

HAHAHHA HE DOES NOT HAVE A DOUBLE BASS?!?!?!? HAHAHHAHAHA

He’s like the Lee D. with the strange instrument.
He’s singing to Julia. Duh. He’s totally going to get laid for this. I kinda have a crush on him. I can’t compete with Julia… I don’t wear petticoats.

Chelsee Oaks: (Does she really spell her name like that?? That’s dumb)

Oh now she misses her boyfriend Rob. HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!! Rob is plotting her murder as I type this.

Jacqueline left… she missed her gay boyfriend.

Chelsee.. she is not your BFF…you’ve known her for 2 weeks. You need to get out more if she is your BFF already.
She’s singing to Jacqueline AND Rob…. this is such a dramatic season of Idol… it’s like the Real World, Laguna Beach and anything on Bravo!!

Lauren/Molly:

If she isn’t sleeping with Steven already… it will happen by next week. I like her voice though and she has great curly hair. She has a great voice.
J Lo wants to kill her in jealousy.

I’m not even going to mention this guy singing about blessing a child… I’ll never buy his music… it’s not worth talking about. It’s like he’s laughing while singing. I never wanted to step into a church less in my life. HE IS NOT CRYING!??!? OH MY OPRAH!!

I want to kill myself.

I miss Justin Bieber. Like the actual Justin Bieber’s pop music right now.

John Wayne Schulz:

I’m really glad he’s wearing that hat. I love this song. Seriously. I’m not being sarcastic like that hat comment.

Stop singing Selena Y Los Dinos!! This isn’t a platform for you to annoy us all with your voice.

YESSSS!! ASHLEY SULLIVAN!!!

Ry Ry just called her a time bomb. She is going to lose it. She packed her bathing suit to wrap her meth in it, not go swimming. Duh.

Her BF is going to Iraq?? Shit…I can’t make fun of her.

Wait… I’m going to. She is having withdrawal on the stage. She would have been better off with taking a hit before she went on stage.

Dr. Drew is watching this shit and writing a letter to the Idol producers.

How does this chick have a boyfriend?!?!

Stefano Langone:

MY POSSIBLE GUIDO HUSBAND!! I don’t like him. Shit. How is this going to work??

Jovany:

Singing Marc Anthony??? DUH! You are a tool.

Jacee Badeaux:

Is that a David Cook song?? GO JACEE!!! He just gained all the love from David Cook fans… he’s in.

Scottie McCreery:

I want to lock you in a closet and turn the lights off.. you annoy me so much!

He sounds like a bull frog. Nice tucked in shirt and belt.

PS Mamadukes weeps every time she hears this song. She’s sobbing right now over her cup of coffee.

Scottie is suicidal right now and I don’t even know why… I stopped paying attention.

Whoever this chick is with the curly hair… she is literally just making up the words to “I Hope You Dance”. Mamadukes is cursing her.

Oooooo deliberation. This is haunting.

Why didn’t they show Adam Lambert Circa 2011… I wanted to make fun of him. I had a picture ready and everything… I’ll post it anyway.

Oh Room #1 better go through… those are all my favorite people! We got the crack head, the child, the crazy clown haired kid…. such good television.

THEY MADE IR!!! YAYAYAYAY!

Oh good Lauren, Casey and douche bag James are in that room. I can work with this.

Room #2… OUT! Tears flow. J Lo pretends to have a heart. Randy SHUT UP… your dumb words are not consoling these people. I’d rather hug Selena Y Los Dinos then listen to Randy’s bullshit.

Room #3… OUT! Chelsee is going home and she is going to go sleep with Rob… if he doesn’t kill her first.

Room # 4…. I didn’t know there was another room. They obviously made it. JULIA PETITICOAT!!! Oh thank OPRAH!!

DID YOU SEE CASEY & JULIA HUG?!?!?! He is so getting it in tonight!!

I WON THIS FAKE COMPETITION!!! I get to choose the winner and only my vote counts… I’m going to choose myself. Is this what it feels like to be Lee bear and always winning my fake competitions??  I like it!

I’m just going to go ahead and send this into Entertainment Weekly. With this picture.

 

 

That or the ostrich picture.

-Rocco