Archive for March 2011
So Mmedgar3 is obviously an angel in disguise and gave me a tip about a Jimmy Fallon clip where Jimmy Fallon impersonates Casey Abrams.
You would think I was a writer on the Jimmy Fallon show… it’s as if it’s a clip straight from my heart.
First off, Jimmy Fallon looked like this.
Now, since this is a sham of a blog, I have no idea how to embed this video. I’m just going to assume NBC is trying to ruin my life.
Click HERE to go to a real blog and see the hilarious bit. Jimmy Fallon’s impersonations are the best thing he does.
And the greatest part is you know Casey Abrams is laughing his ass off about that because he doesn’t have a stick up his ass.
But seriously… he better not be in the bottom 3 tonight. It might kill him. Or me. It might kill me.
PS Thanks again Mmedgar3!
That’s what I got from that tweet. (PS totally look at me posting this within 20 minutes. I’m on a roooooolll)
This is the most heartbreaking tweet in the English language. “Should be fun!”… despite that exclamation point I think it was said with as much ferocity in his fingers as I have when I type anything in dealing with artichokes. (I hate artichokes by the way so that means “not a lot of ferocity”.)
Now a picture story. Get tissues this might be sad.
This is the shittiest (Spell check loves this story. It’s telling me to change that to “shiniest”) picture story. I obviously just wanted to post pictures. Picture stories don’t work with P Mac because he looks the exact same in every photo; sublimely happy.
Lee D. picture stories are way better and way funnier. Sorry P Mac. You lost.
But only because I adore him and he’s an angel muffin. See how this works??
J Biebs may be in an Ashton Kutcher movie and if his acting is as bad as it was in CSI… he’s not going to win an Oscar.
“may come aboard the Ashton Kutcher comedy What Would Kenny Do, where Kutcher would play a man who visits his teenage self (Bieber) via hologram to dispense advice.”
I mean, let’s be real… I’m going to pay to see this. And then complain that I paid $14 to see a really poorly acted movie. But he’s my angel muffin.. it’s a sacrifice.
I hope it’s in 3D.
You all know where I’m going with this right off the bat. But let’s tell it from the beginning.
Wednesday’s are just the longest days of my life and I’m usually not in bed until very late. I blame all of this on American Idol and my deep, deep love for it. And last night the blame can also be placed on Devy Wevy Bevy who needed a place to sleep because she was drinking beers on the UES. So, while waiting for her, I finished my American Idol recap and I decided to watch Prison Break to stay awake… this was at like 11:30. Cut to 1:15 AM: I’m passed out on top of the covers, drooling. Devy Wevy Bevy comes and I after some impromptu sleepover chit-chat (I.E. Are you wasted?? What bar were you at? I could totally break out of prison if I really tried. I could even break you out.) we fell asleep.
Not a moment too soon *LONG LIVE THE WALLS WE CRASHED THROUGH* (<— that’s my ringtone for text messages) blares through the room and Devy Wevy Bevy remains in her coma. I forget that my phone is no longer the devil and actually functions in my bedroom, so I tend to forget to silence it as I rest my bod.
Once my phone went off (loudly) I said “you’ve got to be kidding me. I’m so angry at whoever this is.”
And guess who it was??
(Totally just spent a good 10 minutes trying to find that picture. The dedication I have is unwavering)
At 1:30 in the morning all I saw was Dixie and I thought he was talking about Dixie cups and I was massively confused. Plus, he was speaking improper English and it was confusing me more in the wee hours of the AM. I just shut off my phone, prayed no one would have to contact me in the middle of the night, and continued to drool on my pillow.
And now at 9:46AM I’m pretty convinced he should be charged with TUI (tweeting under the influence), which we all do by the way…. and I’m pretty confident he was eating some KFC, because why would he be babbling about chicken?? Exactly.
Some great responses were given… so let’s get into that before I start babbling. (I feel it coming on)
This person may or may not have been kicking it down with Lee D. because this makes no sense. I’m glad they love nature. Nature is cool. I guess you can say chickens are involved in nature… so maybe it does make sense?? I don’t really know these things.
This person may or may not be carrying the devil in their womb. Ever see Rosemary’s Baby?? I can’t find the clip on YouTube but if you’ve seen that movie you’re laughing and if you haven’t you think I’m out of my mind. It doesn’t even matter at this point… and now I’m babbling. This is what I was afraid of.
Or maybe it was a sexual joke that went over my head?? Hmmm.
Exactly. I googled “Dixie chicken” so I could be in on this joke (I never know what he’s talking about and I feel like the loser in the lunchroom who can’t hang with the cool kids) and all that I got was this….. an extremely racist chicken.
What an asshole chicken! He’s kind of a jerk. A jerk chicken!
(That is a funny joke. You all better be laughing at that)
Anyway… after extensive research (and by that I mean texting a friend and looking on Twitter) he’s just repeating a Dave Matthew’s line. I would never have known that because 1) you just saw the nonsense I just said about a racist chicken and 2) I’m a fake DMB fan. I’ve never known less music in my life… I only like DMB when I’m trying to impress a frat guy I want to date. By the way… lying never works out. They always find out you only know 1 song and that conversation is awkward.
And now I’m babbling like a brook. Good times on Twitter. I’m gonna get waste one night and just go off on Twitter. That will totally be an exciting blog the morning after.
PS: Oh and I know I can totally just change twitter settings so I don’t get these tweets in the middle of the night but 1) I forget to do that and 2) this wouldn’t have been a blog and you wouldn’t know about the racist chickens running around LA. You’re welcome America.
When you have blonde hair and bangs Hilary Duff, you will look 12 and like you are doing a movie for Lizzie McGuire.
And by the way… I’m totally behind another Lizzie McGuire movie. I’d pay to see that.
Best acting. EVER.
I just want to say this publicly with all my heart: I’d ride any rocket P Mac is offering.
Sorry. I just had to get that out there.
The instant Pauly said he was going to sing “Rocket Man”… I heard all the Lee D. fans spark up their torches and begin the witch hunt. But let’s all take a breather.
Comparing those two guys is just dumb. I’ve never seen two more opposite people in my life.
P Mac dances… Lee D. doesn’t.
P Mac smiles a whole lot, to the point that he looks drunk… Lee D. rarely looks wasted.
P Mac wears flowery, glittery suits…. I’d kill myself if Lee D. wore that.
P Mac just whispers throughout the song… Lee D. doesn’t.
Are we seeing a pattern?? Plus, I heard through the grapevine the The Grand Magnolias have been performing “Rocket Man” for a long, long time (hahaha. I’m so funny), but let’s not split hairs. Let’s just appreciate them both for what they bring to the song. Awesome-ness, is what they bring in case you didn’t get that.
Oh, one more thing… Lee D. isn’t on Idol, and he has an actual career now, so it doesn’t really matter what he did on Idol. I think he’s a musician, not an Idol contestant.
Okay… back to my future husband. P MAC!! Oh Oprah how I want to lay with him while we floss our teeth.
Minus that exorcist whisper at the end… I like his version. It was like a lullaby. Plus, he’d make a great astronaut. <— I don’t know why I said that.
I hope he sticks around… who else am I going to make sexual jokes about?? And he’s making me a celeb in my family. This is a tweet I received from my cousin who is like Lauren Conrad but better.
yo Liz is so excited to read your blog everyday because she is in lurveee with Paul whatshisface from AI. HAHA.
1) My aunt only reads my blog to see “Paul whatshisface”. Good to know.
2) Everyone will be so excited when he’s at the next family function. I hope he wears that suit.
-Rocco McDoanld (just practicing)
Before we get into the performance, I want to relay the conversation I had with the people who created me and raised me:
Big D: ‘Yello sweethaaart. Whatta ya want?
Rocco: DAD!! I love Casey. I want him to be my boyfriend.
Big D: You like the ugliest guys… you have the worst taste!
Rocco: WHAT?? He’s so adorable. He’s a little snuggle bear.
Big D: He looks like a pumpkin. Ima put you on the phone with your motha.
Rocco: Dad doesn’t approve of Casey.
Mamadukes: Oh I don’t like him… I was in the shower. What did he sing?
Rocco: “Your Song”.
Mamadukes: What’s my song?? What song do I like??
Rocco: HAHHAH NO! The song is called “Your Song”.
And then like 20 minutes later….
Mamadukes: I know why you like Casey. He looks like your dentist.
Rocco: Did you just say I’m sexually attracted to my dentist??
Mamadukes: HAHHAHA. Yes.
Rocco: You’re a sick woman.
That all happened.
Anyway… Casey Abrams sang “Your Song” and I’m jealous of anyone who gets to see him on a daily basis. Is it too late to be an intern on Idol??
Look at him!! He trimmed his little beard, cut his jew fro, and sang a song from Moulin Rouge! I’m pretty sure he was flirting with me. And guess what?? It worked!
If he gets voted off tonight… call up Mrs. Bieber. I’m moving to Canada and need a couch to sleep on.
That has nothing to do with Lauren’s performance last night I just wanted to remind everyone that her mom dresses like her daughter. Identity crisis.
Anyway… Lauren was kinda sorta good last night and I enjoyed her performance of “Candle In The Wind”. It’s one of the most depressing songs on the planet but I didn’t want to hang myself, so all in all…. succesful performance.
First off… I find it very hard to believe that it takes her 10 minutes to get ready. She wears more makeup in one day then I wear in a week. Seriously.
Anyway… I liked her last night. Her performance didn’t annoy me and it even distracted me from her dumb dress. (I don’t get the short dress in front… long dress in back. I don’t like mullet dresses at all)
You know who loves the mullet dress??? Steven Tyler. He hit on Lauren and I knew the world was right again.
The whole point of this was to make a reference to her dress and call it a mullet. I’m obsessed with mullets. Obviously.
Posted March 30, 2011on:
Elton John and Eminem are besties. Duh.
B-B-B-BENNY AND THE JETS!!!
That’s pretty much me drunk at a bar when this song comes on. Minus James Marsden. I’ve never picked up a guy at a bar as hot as James Marsden. Not yet at least. <— optimism.
It’s Elton John night and Naima will dance, Pia will bore me (I’ll seriously fall into a coma if she sings a ballad), P Mac will turn me on, Casey A will make me think about my intestines and his health, Jacob Lusk will be really gay and those are the only people I can think of off the top of my head.
Oscar may or may not be a homosexual ostrich with a tiny brain (And that brain thing is because he’s an ostrich, not gay. Paula told me ostrich’s brains are smaller than their eyes. Morons!) because he glittered his feathers for tonight and he is pirouette-ing (Apparently that’s not a word. That’s dumb) everywhere. Awkward.
There is no space in my apartment for pirouettes.
I had 12 more Sno-Caps (and they are kosher so in case I want to be Jewish it’s cool) so I’ve had way to much sugar.
Shaaaaaaalll we?? YES!
I have a feeling Ryan Seacrest has dreamed of an Elton John night on Idol since the days when him and Brian Dunkleman brushed each other’s hair.
Why do they have to start this show off with the Casey Abrams freak out?? I want to be calm tonight and at ease. Now my heart is pumping and I’m sobbing. How great will it be if Casey wins this?? So powerful. I will throw up the night of the finale if he wins. Too much?? Probably.
I knew Ryan would look extra spectacular for Elton John night. Did I or did I not say he was extra excited?? I did.
I have a personal connection with Elton John. And by personal connection I mean Mamadukes has his greatest hits album and I went through a phase were me and my BFF, Devy Wevy Bevy, would steal it from her car and drive around and listen to it. We were weird. But we were freakin’ cool.
Jimmy Ivine says the most obvious things. EVER.
Scotty is ridiculous and just closed his eyes and picked a song out of the catalogue. Oh that’s right.. because he’s a CHILD!
Every song sounds the same coming out of his mouth. He could rap 2Pac and I’d think it was *babylockthemdoors*
“love you Grandma!!” HAHHAHAHHAHA WHAT!?!? <— I’m bitter because I have no Grandma to shout out. *sad*
How much do you want to bet he votes Republican??
1-800- Mitt Romney is my hero
I’m already anticipating a call from Mamadukes about how she wants to “go through the TV and slap her”<— direct quote from her last week.
F**KING KILL ME!!!!! I wish I was high right now… I might enjoy this.
That just seemed fitting.
I don’t get it. Is Naima African?? I’m unsure of her heritage…. Weird.
STOP SAYING BOOM FIRE!!!
J Lo doesn’t know her math and/or degrees of circles.
I would loooooooove to know what Simon Cowell would say.
1-800- I’m African
Mamadukes: where did she get the f**king jamaican accent from?? I can’t stomach here. Ship her back to the projects! <—- Mamadukes hates Naima.
I didn’t know Taio Cruz was British. I’m instantly attracted to him.
I’m going to leave this picture giant because I love him.
I WILL EAT FOLLAR MENUS WITH YOU!!! I WILL SLEEP IN A VAN WITH YOU!!
ROCKET MAN!! ROCKET MAN!?!? Sleep with me Paul Mac. SLEEP WITH ME!
Lee D. fans are gonna want to hang him… but since people think I’m a fake fan Lee D. I’m gonna say I love P Mac more than anything on the planet. I’ll just take that role that people place me in tonight.
I was gonna make fun of his major outfit repeat… but never mind. I heart him.
What was that creepy whisper at the end?? I don’t care. I love you. I want to date you. You will always be my favorite. Have I proved my love enough?
Let me guess Lee D fans are ready to crucify him?? Shocking.
1-800- P Mac what’s your favorite planet???
So Pia just said she wants to be a beauty queen. That’s what she just admitted. She wants to be famous. Just release a sex tape and stop singing ballads.
Another ballad?? Shocking. And now I’m in a coma.
I still wish her name wasn’t Pia. It makes me have to pee.
1-800- I wanna be in magazines
I forgot about him and didn’t find a picture. But that’s okay because I just saw the outline of his junk in that picture. Okay.
Stefano wants to punch Jimmy Ivine, but so do I.
This song is so pretty.
He’s dressed like that guy who had STD’s used to dress.
I don’t even know what’s happeing. I zoned out. I’ll just trust whatever the judges say… minus Steven Tyler. He’s wasted. He has no idea where he is.
1-800- Rocco zoned out and didn’t pay attention
Oh wait Oscar has something to say…
I have some major dead ends. Just FYI. I staring at the end of my braid and my dead ends are out of control. Lee D. would break up with me.
This song is beautiful. And I love her hair and I love her voice on it.
I like her singing this song… and I think she’s the prettiest chick there. YEAH I SAID IT PIA!! Lauren is prettier than you! HAH!
Randy is kind of a genius… I’m glad we agree.
Steven still wants to sleep with Lauren. AWK-WARD!
1-800- Lauren’s mom is in a midlife crisis
James… you are Adam Lambert. I’m going to say that until you get voted off. I don;t care what people say.
And we need to stop talking about this wrestling business. It annoys me to no end.
That’s not being IN the audience moron. You were standing with people who were placed on the stage as props. This guy annoys me. Buuuut I just don’t like this music… so of course he’ll annoy me. Oh and he screams. He should have put on more glitter.
He just set the piano on fire… I’m glad he wasn’t on it??
1-800- I wanna be Adam Lambert AND Lady Gaga
Good point Oscar. (I’m still staring at the end of my braid obviously)
I already appreciate that she isn’t singing a Disney song.
I may or may not be attracted to that man that is sitting next to Jimmy Ivine.
Okay I’m bored with this. Story time: In 5th grade a little bastard by the name of Daniel said to me… “You’d be pretty if your hair wasn’t curly!”
I KNOW!!! What a little 10 year old ass! So, I hate the name Daniel and therefore hate this song. <— you all feel really bad for me don’t you?? (I’m obsessed with hair tonight)
1-800- I should have sang Lion King
If I can’t have P Mac because Pia is a beauty queen ( I know… it upsets me too. I don’t wanna talk about it) I want Casey. We could have something.
Casey you are a model baby.
Jimmy Ivine is a dick! I kinda want to punch him in the face. Hard.
I’m instantly jealous thinking that Casey is singing to another girl.
AWW HE LOOKS SO CUTE!! I just wanna snuggle with him.
It’s pretty astonishing how the 3 minutes he’s on the TV screen I just want to hold his hand.
CASEY ABRAMS I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND!!
1-800- SNUGGLE BUG!
Phone convo with Big D/Mamadukes:
Big D: Hello sweethaaart.
Rocco: DAD! I love Casey…..I want him to be my boyfriend.
Big D: YOU HAVE THE WORST TASTE IN GUYS!! He looks like a pumpkin!
Rocco: You’re a jerk.
Mamadukes: What did he sing?
Rocco: “Your Song”
Mamadukes: What’s my song?? I don’t have a favorite Elton John song.
Rocco: HAHHAHA NO!! “Your Song” .. that’s the name of it.
Jacob. You are fab! Hey girl heeeeeey!
Wow. That fog machine is intense.
Ask me what I did when he sang?? I checked my email.
Jacob I don’t go to church and I don’t want to go to church when you sing every Wednesday.
1-800 Jesus doesn’t use a fog machine
That’s an awesome picture. You’re welcome America.
YES!!! GREAT SONG!! This is me and Oscar’s favorite!!!
I already miss James Marsden…. And I’m really afraid she will show her hoo hah when she gets off the piano.
She is waving and swaying her body and I just had an intense discussion with my roommate about German accents. She’s an actor and her new role asks her to have a German accent so I was doing a really bad one. How I wish it was recorded. Good times.
Steven really needs to be behind bars.
1-800- H- H- Haley and the jets.
I know Oscar. Shut up.
Thanks for sticking around all of you rock stars!!
Okay…this is clearly just me killing time and trying to post anything Paul McDonald related before American Idol.
Big D will quickly become best friends with you and Mamadukes will judge you. Not a good combo my friend.
Okay. American Idol Live-ish blog is next.