Oh wait… this isn’t songs from the coming of age drama Now & Then staring Rosie O’Donnell, Demi Moore, Christina Ricci and hottie tottie, Devon Sawa, in 1995??? Shit. That was an all-star cast by the way… check it out HERE.

Okay, okay… this was just an excuse to post a Devon Sawa picture. Or pictures.

Ugh! The things Devon Sawa does to me to this day…. it’s a little strange. Remember Idle Hands??

And Final Destination??? I was so afraid that I was cheating death and it was surely coming after me after I saw this movie yet, I was so attracted to him. I would have gotten off that plane if he told me.

What is he up to nowadays??? Please tell me he’s not in rehab or anything. Unless, he’s with Dr. Drew… two hotties for the price of one! Did he die during any of The Final Destination movies?? Let’s bring this back!!! <—- things I would do with my money if I had millions.

Okay… sorry for that tangent, but I’m sure it will be more exciting than the crap we have to endure tonight. Let’s start this Idol shindig by saying goodbye to the ones we lost.

And who the hell is still voting for Jacob?!?!?!?

I thought I said to kidnap them until mid-May. But since he’s still around, he might as well gay it up and sing Lady Gaga. Please Oprah, that’s all I want in life.

Love that Steven Tyler just shouted out to his Dad like it’s the first time he’s on TV. Classic.

Oh I’m glad this is when these people will get serious… because everyone before this and all the times before were just practice and pure bullshit. Good times.

SHERYL CROW!! I like her. Remember she dated the bike guy?? And she’s like kinda old and looks great. I think she may look better than me and she’s like double my age. Awkward.

James:

So Jimmy Iovine wants James to win. Jared Leto is hotter than him.

Can he look more like Maurice from little monsters??

So he’s just screaming?? That’s what’s happening. Adam Lambert is probably jealous… is that possible??

Steven says “beautiful” all the time.. I wanna hang myself every time he says it.

1-800- Rocco will never buy my record

Jacob:

Nice blazer. Jacob has great postures… comes with the lifestyle.

HE IS FROM COMPTON?!?!??! LMAO!!! BAHAHAHHAHAHH!!!! I’m more gangster than him! That is freakin’ hilarious!

Jordin Sparks? Shocker.

So let’s count: Jacob loves possible child molesters and a convicted woman beater. He must be from Compton.

Sound more like a woman. Please. And mess up the tempo more. Please please. People will vote for you anyway.

Why is he screaming this song?? And he’s literally running out of air.

Jennifer is clearly on drugs… best ever on stage??? Maybe I’m just a bitch and am bitter. Who knows??

I see him as Jordin Sparks… posing in a bikini with pouty lips and throwing around a promise ring.

Why is Randy making him be a dead guy?? Is Luther dead?? I have no idea.

1-800- Chris Brown is too straight for this guy to mimic

Lauren:

Since all my favs are gone… I’ll just like Lauren. She’s cute, she’s young, and she has a funny accent.

I prefer Taylor Swift. She should have done Tay Tay, and  she looks like her mom. Charolette Russe a la trailer park.

J Lo is into this shit… did you just see her getting down?? HAHHA

This was definitely better than Compton ass Jacob. (PS how did he not tell us a tale about him getting his ass beat?? )

1-800- My mama teased my hair!!

Scotty Playa Playa:

This dude better do Lady Gaga! How freakin’ awesome would that be??? He’s gonna do something country though and make me feel weird for being attracted to him.

OH DAMN IT!!!! Well, I could relate this to the Nsync song… so I’ll take it.

Okay… well my feed went out.. but I’m sure this is a greta performance. Scotty is making eyes at the audience and he’s turning on my 35 year old sister.

Yeah… so this is strange. I’m obviously gonna have to lie when I do my serious recap. Shhh don’t tell anyone. I still want to get paid.

Haley:

HALEY IS DOING GAGA?!?!??!?!?! BAHAHHAHAHA

I already wanna kill myself. Haley wants me to hate her… she wants me to just hate every thing she does.

WHy is she laying down on stairs in snakeskin pants??? I don’t like this song… shocking it’s Lady Gaga. I feel like it’s 1983 and I’m coming off a coke binge <— that’s how Lady Gaga writes songs by the way. Allegedly.

Jennifer Lopez is OVER IT!!!  J Lo hates her… as much as I hate that flower in her hair.

Ohhh Haley looks like she’s gonna cry. Does not take criticism well. This is when her underage drinking problem will occur.

1-800 Haley sucks and should fall off a piano like Lady Gaga.

Steven is just drunk and likes anyone. I can go up there and sing the Band Aid theme song and he’d love me.

I’m gonna use the same pictures… so shut up. I wasn’t prepared for 2 performances and I just don’t care all that much.

James Part 2:

I LOVE THIS SONG!! but enough with the tears. I miss my Mom and my love too. I don’t cry all the time. Okay that’s a lie. I was so hungry and tired the other day… I just cried.  Go ahead judge me.

James… this sounds bad. Please don’t cry. I feel very uncomfortable when people cry in front of me… especially boys. I know that’s gender issues, but that’s the truth.

Remember when Kelly Clarkson did this?? So good. I was a child and I knew that, because I’m smart.

Umm that wasn’t even good screaming.. at least scream on pitch and my god he’s crying. You know who’s laughing?? Mamadukes. And she raised me.

1-800 tears= votes! <— that’s how I’m gonna win the Presidency.

Jacob:

He was joking about being from Compton right??? I don’t trust a gay man from “Compton”.

Nazareth?? Is this about Jesus? Oh no nevermind. I know this song.

Can he stop sounding like a woman and take his minister suits back to Compton… or Malibu??

I like that he’s wearing purple… more appropriate.

1-800- this song hurts my ears

I’m not gonna post pictures.. just because I don’t want to waste space.

Lauren:

I love “unchained melody”. Ghost. RIP Patrick Swayze.

Lauren… I adore you. Not your hair though… I wish your mom would stop doing it.. this isn’t toddlers & tiaras.

Her phrasing is weird… but I like this new found Lauren.

Steven is SUCH A CREEPER!!! I feel like he has cameras in the girls’ dressing room.

Scotty:

ELVIS!! This is when I fell in love with him for the first time. Scotty and his giant wooden cross necklace is flirting with me again.

How many illegitimate children does Scotty have??

Scotty has a way of making every song *babylockdemdoors*. It’s unbelievable. Almost like magic.

Scotty looks bored with himself…. but his Grandma is a winner!!! I want to trade in my Iggy for her!

Haley:

Haley sounds like me when I pretend to sing. I wish I could record my voice, because that’s what I sound/look like when I’m trying to be funny and I’m dying for my parents (or whoever’s around me) to scream “SHUT UP!” at me. But Haley wants people to pay to hear her…. I should get paid.

Okay… well apparently everyone loves Haley because they are all standing up.

If she can get paid to sound drunk.. I can get paid too! DONE!!!

So I’m amped for this show to be over. I’m gonna pretend and be Mexican tomorrow so I don’t feel guilty for drinking tequila on a Thursday night. I think I’ll like J Lo’s performance tomorrow better if I have tequila coursing through my veins.

-Rocco