Ok, so I didn’t recap the first episode because I was working and I was lazy and didn’t do it. Don’t get mad. I will always recap on Wednesday mornings. I promise.

Do people still read these recaps?? I hope so. I’m gonna do them anyway because they are my absolute favorite thing to write about.

What happened 1st episode:

1) Ian is “dead”.

2) Black Hooded Figure is in the market for Emily’s house.

3) Anne the therapist doesn’t want the girls to hang out.

4) Blind Bitch Jenna is still a bitch.

5) “A” is still an awful human being.

6) Sexy ass Caleb is back from being an extra in Breaking Dawn and he’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I’M SO INTO HIM!!

7) Butt Chin Falcon boy swooped in and saved the day once again (I forgot what he did… but I remember saying that out loud to myself)

8 ) “A” has been in Ezra’s house (English teacher Aria WAS banging)

Okay! Are we all caught up??? Let’s get into the new episode! (this is gonna be a massive list in sequential order):

-Ian is texting Melissa (Spencer’s sister who is knocked up with his baby) I really hope he’s a zombie because that would just add so much to this plot.

I'm not really dead, and this picture is really small

-SEXY SUIT JASON IS BACK!! THANK GOD!! Why is this the greatest show EVERRRRRRR!!!! He’s throwing away trash which I can only hope is a dead body. I can’t help that I find him hotter if he’s a killer.

I'm back ladies!

- Hanna is still my favorite person on this planet and I really like her. Her dad is coming back because he’s worried about her.

hello dad!

- Emily is still a lesbian and her mom is still a dumb whore who wants to move Emily to Texas. I’m not sure if Lesbians fare well in Texas.

they'll hate me in texas

- Black Hooded Figure erased all the incriminating videos on her computer while he was in the market for her house. These videos were proof Ian was a hot mess and a leprechaun.

- Melissa is still holding the devil’s child and she hates Spencer. This sister feud is out of control.

i will not be the godmother of this child.

- Ezra is peacing out of Rosewood (is that the name of the town??) and Aria is pretending to be cool about it, but she is clearly going to fail her midterms with all the stress that’s going on in her life.

I'm gonna start being with people my own age

- Mona needs to stop being annoying and obnoxious. And I still hate her for throwing out Caleb’s note. I want to give Mona a papercut via that note.

Did you miss me??

(is he not the greatest thing you’ve ever laid your eyes on??? Love love love him)

- The ladies aren’t supposed to be hanging out and they won’t even sit together at lunch. This is breaking my heart so so so much.

- “Look at you all alone in a crowd. I win! -A” <— I HATE A!!!!

- Butt Chin Falcon Boy is gonna get his GED because no one wants to hang out with him. I think it’s because of his Butt Chin, but you will say it’s because he was once a suspect in Allison’s murder case.

how's my butt chin in this light??

-Spencer is so into Butt Chin… she hearts him. Have they had sex??

- Emily is still a lesbian swimmer. And some blonde chick is asking her out on a date, but she’s moving so she’s hesitant.

- A college recruit wants to talk to Emily, but I’m suspicious of him. He may be a killer. I think everyone in this town is a freakin’ murderer.

-Melissa is stressing out and Spencer is feeding her Sexy Suit Jason’s brownies.

- Hanna’s dad is kind of attractive. Whoever casts this show needs to win an award!

-I’m bored with this conversation between Hanna’s parents. Let’s move on.

-Someone broke into Emily’s garage.

- Spencer goes to Jason’s house… and that is not the original Sexy Suit Jason. Am I thinking of the wrong person??? What is happening?? I mean, he’s cute…. but not who I was picturing.

i think I've been recast

- Anyway, New Jason threw something at a dog and he’s super creepy. He’s asking Spencer about Ian and the bell tower situation.

- Spencer has a flashback with New Jason and Allie fighting about a porn magazine. I don’t really get why that happened but who cares… I’m into New Jason right now.

I'm still the meanest person ever!

- Slow motion of Emily swimming.

- Butt Chin got fired from his construction job because he has a Butt Chin and because the family he’s working for is afraid of him. I feel bad for falcon boy.

- Ohh Aria is done with Ezra. She waited for him in his apartment and he was super late so she left him a note in his typewriter. Nice touch.

- Hanna forgives Mona. That annoys me.

-Spencer tells Butt Chin about Ian texting Melissa and he still looks like a Falcon in the moonlight.

just wanted to post this ridiculous gif

- Aria goes into Spencer’s house and Black Hooded Figure comes out of the darkness and round houses her into a lamp. Okay no roundhouse, but he pushes her violently. All very dramatic.

- Spencer and Aria think Ian is the one who is breaking into all the homes and who kicked her into the lamp. I’d believe that. Leprechauns kick things a lot.

- Ezra is giving a goodbye speech to his English class and clearly it’s about Aria and it’s all very uncomfortable and I want Chris Hansen to pop out and arrest him.

are you Ezra??

- Aria is slow motion running into Ezra’s classroom and he’s gone. Ya snooze a lose, girl. Oh never mind he’s in the parking lot and she jumps on him a kisses him in daylight. Seriously, Chris Hansen, where are you???

- It’s actually a sweet moment. I’m weeping.

- Melissa is lying to Spencer about leaving the house…..oooooo. Shit got real.

- New Jason is burying something (or as he says planting and putting up a fence) and he is so goddamn creepy. I’m so into him.

- OMG IS IAN LIVING WITH NEW JASON!?!?!??! AGHHHHHHH!! THIS SHOW IS OUT OF CONTROL WITH GOODNESS!!!

- That adorable dog is being pet by Black Hooded Figure… that dog is dead now.

But where was Caleb. This is bullshit.

I'm gonna work on my tan until they need me again

-Rocco