Just watch the “previously on Pretty Little Liars” because I honestly can’t remember what happens week from week, so these little recaps are straight from heaven.

Shit got real last week… obviously. LET’S GO!!

- The police man Garrett is not in touch with the girls anymore because he’s clearly banging not blind bitch Jenna. And he has money or something that the girls gave him.

I'm not really blind

- “A” left Hanna and Emily a gift basket (because Em is now living with her) and the girls can’t even appreciate a kind gesture from “A”. Rude!!! I mean, true it wasn’t an edible arrangement, but it’s the thought that counts girls!

A's shitty gift basket

- Aria’s brother Mike is such a rebel and moody. I’m fully convinced he’s a murderer now.

I'm a moody teenager. Or a vampire.

- Aria’ mom is letting Aria wear a lace dress….. I think she looks  like a whore.

- Emily just made a straight up awesome breakfast. I WANT THAT LESBIAN TO MOVE IN WITH ME!!!

I cook too!

- Annnnnnnd Hanna’s mom just made a “daughter trade” joke. That’s inappropriate.  ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HANNA IS THE BEST EVER EVER!!!!

I'm a good daughter. I have the best fashion sense

- OH SNAP CALEB IS BICKERING WITH SOMEONE!!! I just want to make out with him. That’s all I can think about when I see him. And what straightener does he use??? His hair is fabulous.

check out my hair

-And Black Hooded Figure sits very closely to a public school in a child molester car so that’s fine for society. No big deal.

- Why is Mike (Aria’s brother) such a little prick?!?!? Seriously what’s his deal. I can’t deal with his puberty mood swings… just because you’re hot doesn’t mean you can brood around all day. Seriously… I always smile.

-BUTT CHIN TOBY!!!! Spencer goes and visits him at his shitty job clearing brush. He should probably go back to school, because now he’s pretending he’s an architect to Spencer’s dad.

How's my chin??

-Why doesn’t Spencer’s dad have a butt chin???? And Butt Chin Falcon Boy is going to turn out to be gay, right??

- JASON 2.0 IS HANGING OUT WITH ARIA’S MOM!!!!!! He’s muy guapo. I’m into him. I want him and Caleb in a scene together STAT! He’s at the school to talk to someone and Aria’s mom invited him to a party the family is having. Oh and Ezra is coming to that as well.

- ” You probably want to get use to calling him Ezra”- Aria’s Mom
*sigh* – Aria
Read: Ummm mom I call him that in bed, so don’t fret.

that's true

- Okay so Hanna is a really bad singer and Emily is on a lesbian rage of moodiness. I think it’s because her shoulder hurts.. but that’s why they have Bengay! HAH! GET IT?!?!??!

- I don’t know what happened but Emily just said “tag me up later”. WTF does that mean?? I’m gonna use that!!! PLL BRINGS THE JARGON!!!

- Spencer finds Garrett because she’s Encyclopedia Brown, The Box Car Children, and Nancy Drew all rolled into one, plaid , tweed blazer!

This isn't a tweed blazer, Rocco!

- Garrett is fo sho Ian had something to do with Ali’s death… but the girls know better for all the reasons above.

- Aria’s Mom is a super nosy woman, and went to Hanna’s mom to question the “prank” at the fashion show. No wonder the girls are so into investigations… LOOK AT THEIR MOM’S!!!

- And both Hanna and Aria’s mom hate Spencer’s parents. This will go over well.

- Butt Chin is cleaning up the Hasting’s yard (Spencer’s family) and Butt Chin finds a shank, a baton, or some weapon of sorts that says “Hasting’s”. UMMM MURDER WEAPON?!?!?!? PLEASE OH PLEASE LET SPENCER’S DAD BE A KILLER! He’s such a douchebag already!!

- I really hate that Aria’s dad’s name is Byron. For some reason that makes me want to punch him in the arm.

- Ezra and Jason 2.0 come and I suddenly feel like this party is a game of Clue. In the barn, with the Hasting’s shank, A. — that’s my guess.

-Butt Chin Toby is telling Spencer about the what is now a field hockey stick that was buried in the Hasting’s yard. I’m mad it’s not a shank.  Anyway, JASON TOOK THE FIELD HOCKEY STICK THAT HE OBVIOUSLY  BLUDGEONED ALI TO DEATH WITH!! AGHHHH WHO’S THE MURDERER!!!???

-Flashback… Jason 2.0 tries to hit Ali with the filed hockey stick out of anger. Ummm killer??? Maybe!

- Aria doesn’t want to believe Jason is a murderer because she wants to kiss with him.

- Hanna just asked Emily if something was “a gay thing”. HAHHAHAHH HANNA I LOVE YOU!! <— not a gay thing.

- Caleb comes and makes out with Hanna. Adorable. Did I mention I love him… so so so much??

-Jason and Ezra are talking about cycling. Talk about homo! This game of Clue is getting erotic.

- OH GOD… the police are at Aria’s house! Mike is breaking into houses again. He needs to go to therapy for this problem he has…. this is out of control and now their Clue party is ruined.

- Spencer’s dad has no idea about child labor laws because it’s after dark and Butt Chin is still working. And daddy-o tells Butt Chin to not tell Spencer about it and he’s acting like a shady bastard! And he keeps telling Butt Chin not to tell Spencer about all his creepy-ness! WHAT A POSSIBLE MURDERER!!!!

me and my butt chin are underage!

- Ezra us jealous of Jason and Aria’s impending friendship.

- Raise your hand if you can’t take Chad Lowe seriously as a parent because 1) he’s Chad Lowe and 2) his name is Byron.

*raises hand*

-And raise your hand is you think Mike is adorable.

*raises hand*

- Jason is playing 20 questions with Ezra and he’s asking stupid and obvious questions. He’s bad at this game. They should go back to Clue.

- OH SHIT!! ARIA FINDS THAT STUPID CLAY NIGHT LIGHT SHADE THING IN MIKE’S CLOSET! HE WAS IN JENNA’S HOUSE!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!

-Caleb is so pretty. And he’s so deep. I love when he tells stories. And he was basically in a plot of Fast & Furious before he came to Rosewood, which is just HOT! Paul Walker can suck it!!!

- Spencer’s dad is now burning the hockey stick that Butt Chin found. HE WANTS TO BURN THE EVIDENCE!!!! AGHHHH IS HE THE KILLER?!?!?? MY MIND IS MELTING BECAUSE OF THIS SHOW!!!!

- Spencer is telling Butt Chin that her father thinks she has something to do with Ali’s murder or something like that.

- OH SNAP!! Hanna’s parents are kissing! Pretend that matters.

- Mike tells Aria that he found the blind bitch Jenna lamp shade thing that he got it from Garrett’s apartment! WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!??!?!

- And of course now Spencer is sitting with Garrett in his cop car. OH SHIT!! ARIA JUST TEXTED SPENCER “we can’t trust Garrett. Call me!!” GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!

I may or may not kill you

- ANd now Black Hooded Figure is listening to jazzy blues and injecting some sort of drug. I’m glad we are throwing in drug problems into the mix because Black Hooded Figure isn’t out of his mind enough. What kind of drug was that???

OMG THIS EPISODE WAS GOOOOOOOOOOOD!

See ya next week!

-R