I love to pretend there’s an east coast/west coast battle brewing in America and last night’s X Factor auditions on the east coast were fuel to that fire. And pretty much that “fire” I speak of is the rest of America making fun of Newark because the majority of people on X Factor last night were straight up dumb.

I'm from Oklahoma.

Let’s go!

Ryan Bradley: Black Biebers don’t work.

Though this kid is singing a love rap song to his mom (WORD UP MA!)… he knows people who could kill me. I’m not going to make fun of him.

Kelly Warner: You Lee D fans hate her, right??? She sang “Hallelujah” and I know you all think no one can sing that song EVER again.

I’m a fan of her though…Simon is all about it and by default I need to love her.

Lilliana Rose: I’m going to hire her to be my child’s nanny. I hope her singing career doesn’t work out because my kid is going to need a quirky, fun nanny when I’m too busy ignoring them because a Real Housewife marathon is on.

Andy: I think his mom is a midget too. I didn’t know their was an epidemic in mom midgets happening. This son and mom duo are… let’s just say I’m glad Simon wasn’t too mean to him.

Clarissa: The only reason I’m glad this woman is making my ears bleed is because I was able to hear Simon Cowell laugh. When Simon Cowell laughs I feel, as I imagine, how mother’s feel when they hear their baby giggle for the first time; pure magic!

Cari Flethcer: HEY GIRL HEEEEY! Pretty blonde girl. Guys will want to sleep with her… sign her up.

I refuse to believe this chick is 17. No 17 looks like that. She’s good though. Her debut album better be called Barbie.

Ausem: Austin and Emily: Real life Glee. I can’t wait for this boy to come out of the closet. That will be a good US Weekly. I’m a fan of this high school drama class on X Factor, but that doesn’t shock any of you.

Bieber wannabe (Nick Dean): Bieber cut his hair… so he should too. I love that this kid is singing “his first single”. It’s about texting and he’s wearing a choker with skinny jeans. 13 year old girls are dreaming about him.

Brennin Hunt: THIS IS MY CRUSH! I need one every season and just his intro on X Factor made want to stalk him. He has spiky hair, he’s kinda tool-ish, spells his name wrong, has a twang, part of me wants to punch him… all that mixed together means I love him.

I thought Paula was going to jump on the stage and maul him. Bitch better back up.

Next week on X Factor is “Boot Camp”. I don’t know what that means but it has to be better than these auditions.

-Rocco