I know that title seems to make no sense, but trust me. This shit took forever because we had to listen to Nicole Scherzinger cry all season, but it also flew by in comparison to American Idol because that show is literally on our television screens for half the calendar year.

I think last nights show was the producers picking celebrity guests out of a hat and making the contestants look like idiots, so let’s get into it:

Josh Beast Man and Alanis Morissette: I didn’t know Josh was from Canada?? This is a weird duet and I just don’t get it.

Basically it’s an Alanis Morissette concert. This whole thing makes me uncomfortable for some reason…. I feel like they are singing for some dark Disney movie soundtrack.

Chris Rene and Avril Lavigne: Clearly, this guy needs to win. First, Sugar Ray and now Avril Lavigne and “Complicated”…. give this guy $5  million.

X Factor shocked me with the fact that he was a drug addict… I never knew that. They both sound awful singing this, but I still think Chris should get all the money in the world just because I’m telling myself he CHOSE to sing this song.

Melanie and R. Kelly: HAHAHHAH WAIT… GIVE THIS CRAZY THE MONEY!! Why do people keep including R. Kelly in things?? 1) He sings “Trapped In The Closet” and want to sing 32 more chapters of it (true story) and 2) I’m pretty sure he sleeps with teenage girls on video.

I was really hoping R. Kelly and Melanie would start speaking in tongues to tie this whole thing up in a bow… but no such luck. I can’t wait for these two crazy people to  become relevant again with a sex tape. And now I just want to watch Space Jam.

And then X Factor brought in those circus people who fly around  to Michael Jackson music and mourn his untimely death (X Factor has a thing for people who may or may not molest children… They shout get those Penn State coaches in here as guest judges). I’m not really sure why this is happening.

I didn’t watch that, so let me know if anyone fell.

And now back to the contestants:

Josh: Since when did this guy have a kid??? I thought he made burritos.

He whips out the guitar and sings “At Last” because middle America loves nothing more than white guys with guitars singing big, black woman’s songs.

This was kinda good. I’ll give him that. I’d buy that on iTunes.

Chris:

Chris is rapping and making up his own lyrics again. He’s a good dresser. I wonder how much drugs you can get with $5 million???

Melanie:

I’m really glad half the intro she’s talking like an American and then the next part she’s talking like she’s just came from the Islands.

Listen. I get that Melanie is a kick ass singer, but she bores the hell out of me. Unless she’s praising Jesus and speaking in unexpected accents all of a sudden… I don’t want to hear her talk.

Who will win?? Probably Melanie because religious people love her and it’s Jesus’ birthday on Sunday. Who should win?? Rachel Crow because she needs her own bathroom.  Who shouldn’t win?? Nicole shouldn’t win a contract for next year.

-Rocco