Why does every pregnant celebrity feel the need to pose naked on the cover of magazines with their hand strategically placed over their boob and leg extended just enough so we don’t see the part where that baby is gonna shoot out of???

It’s been done! STOP DOING IT!!!

(If Snooki has a magazine feature like this I will not be able to function. If I don’t kill myself from it… I’ll definitely stop ovulating and never have a baby)

We get it. Being pregnant is beautiful… but with us girls who still associate our bodies with the opposite of gestating (mainly breaking down alcohol and getting us from point a to point b), stop posing with your naked, pregnant bodies because you’re freaking us all out!!

What makes this photo bearable is the part where Jessica Simpson tells us that thankfully she didn’t go on an all day drinking binge:

“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

And apparently Jess is a big drinker. Who knew??

“Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

Jessica’s also afraid her daughter is gonna be a lesbian:

“Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”

I hope the universe just lets her have this baby already because I want to know what demented name she has given the baby girl and poor Jessica Simpson has been carrying this baby around for no less than a year.

COME OUT BABY! (but remember…not out of the closet… just the uterus)

-Rocco