It’s his birthday today.

I know you are all thinking, “for someone who hates the Olympics so much, this  bitch sure is writing a lot about it”. And to that I say, “shut your mouth— I just write about the hot guys for the viewing pleasure of my female demographic”.

And now on to Ryan Lochte and his dumbness.

I’m usually into smart guys because I’m a massive nerd and want to lay around and watch The History Channel (and sometimes Bravo and Food Network), but for some reason I’m digging this moron, Ryan Lochte.

I mean, the guy is the Mayor of Toolville and running for congress in the Douche district, but I love him. Plus, he looks good when his mouth is shut.

(And side note: you know who’s not keeping their mouth shut? His Mom! When asked about his dating life she basically said he’s an asshole and just sleeps around. Love the honesty. “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”)

Below is a video of reasons why Ryan Lochte should never talk.

He doesn’t know what 7 x 4 is. Swimming isn’t even a contact sport… how did he get so dumb?!?

-Rocco