Welcome to the best (errr incoherent?) recap of Pretty Little Liars. Ever. I have absolutely no recollection of what happened last week except Hanna was somehow stabbed, Black Hanson and Lesbian Emily were making out, and ‘A’ is a giant asshole who loves Pat Sajak.

-Hanna is trying to hide her stab wound with her clothes and Wren keeps calling Hanna while Spencer is there— AWKWARD!

- Spencer asks her about it and it’s uncomfortable and Spencer made an unfunny Downton Abbey joke.

- Pastor Ted came over to see Hanna’s mom because the thumb drive that had the videos that ‘A’ took was found in the church.

- Pastor Ted is obviously scheming for some ass.

- Hanna tries to steal the thumb drive and her mom catches her.

- OH IT’S EZRA’S BIRTHDAY—– HE’S 45!!! And he’s writing rough draft emails to Maggie (the girl his mom made get an abortion and break up with him) and Aria is totally cool with it.

- Lesbian Paige is not Rage Paige anymore, and Emily admits that Black Hanson kissed her.

- Aria wants to get in touch with Maggie which is an awful idea, but she’s going to do it anyway and that will be funny because it will blow up in her face.

- CeCe is at school hanging up posters about a “trunk show”. What the hell is that? CeCe is shocked that Emily is a lesbian and cuddling up to “pig skin”.

- Turns out Allison hated Paige… PAIGE IS ‘A’!! RAGE PAIGE!!! In a flashback, Allie just called Paige a “no neck bitch”. BAHAHHAHAH! WHAT?!?!?

- Rage Paige looks at Spencer deviously—- she’s going to murder someone.

- AGHHHH CALEB!!!! Caleb and Hanna are pretty much sexting over instant messenger and it’s the sexiest thing I’ve seen all day.

Will you sext with me later?

- Not Blind Bitch Jenna interrupts because she’s rude.

- Black Hanson is very upset because Emily doesn’t like penis— or his penis. And nice native american sweater.

- Aria is finally dressed appropriate and went to go see Maggie behind Ezra’s back. She’s a sucky girlfriend.

- Spencer tells Emily all about Pig Skin and “no neck bitch”. BAHAHAHHA! Emily is very defensive about this.

Her neck is kind of non existent.

- Hanna is talking about the thumb drive to Not Blind Bitch Jenna. Jenna is ignoring her and apparently now she is def.

- Black Hanson is stalking Emily. And Hanna tells her that Emily is homo and his response is “I thought it was about the person not the equipment” BAHAHHA this episode is hilarious.

Wait… what’s a lesbian?

- Now Black Hanson is shouting things like “Don’t pretend you didn’t see me” to Jenna. He’s out of control.

- MAGGIE HAS A SON!!!! MAGGIE HAS A SON!!! EZRA HAS A KID!! EZRA HAS A KID! AHHHHHHHH!!

- Allie is a giant bitch and basically made Rage Paige come out of the closet. I hope Paige killed Allie. What a bitch.

- Rage Paige is telling Emily that she should trust her friends— she’s a murderer.

- Ezra’s more age appropriate brother is talking to Aria, and Aria tells him that she went to go see Maggie. Aria is dumb.

-Spencer is changing and for some reason there is a giant snake , a non habitant of Pennsylvania, is attacking her in the dressing room. What the f**k? Oh apparently Spencer said the word “snake” to Emily when talking about Rage Paige.

- Spencer is the smartest of them all…she knows that Paige is obsessive and probably a killer. Spencer is convinced that ‘A’ is Paige and I’m on this train.

- Aria is realizing that she should just date Ezra’s brother because oh well… I don’t now?!?!? He doesn’t have A KID!

- Why do the girls keep changing in the dressing room of death!? Oh thank God it’s just Caleb grabbing Hanna to have a quickie in the snake filled dressing room. God, I love him.

- ” I need to touch you”— CALEB STOP!

- I don’t understand this clothing event with CeCe at all…. and Paige is there because she’s going to murder them all.

- Spencer of course is Nancy Drew-ing it up and going through Paige’s things and Rage Paige and Emily see this and now Emily is all raged up.

-Spencer got whatever she was looking for but I have no idea what it is. (an earring? I’m so lost)

- Emily is comforting Paige  and Paige tells Emily the entire Allie story aka she admits that she hated Allie’s guts AKA MURDERED HER!!

-Oh Paige is in tears and I feel bad for making fun of her ever-changing hair-do for months. (PS her hair is different this episode too).

- Emily gets so much action on this porch— it’s like a sex/therapy vortex.

- Spencer is all over Paige being ‘A’ because of whatever she found in her bag.

- AHHHHH Not Blind Bitch Jenna tells Emily “be very careful who you spend time with Emily, very careful”.

- Paige sees SPencer calling Emily and ignores the call—- SHE’S GOING TO MURDER YOUUUUUUU!!

Paige is one scary bitch!

- Black Hooded Figure is jamming to some tunes and OMG THERE ARE TWO BLACK HOODED FIGURES!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!

AHHHH Next week is the summer finale and thank God because this is the point of the show when I have no idea what is happening because I zone out for long periods of time.

-R