Posts Tagged ‘American Idol Auditions’
He’s the only person I know from St.Louis, so I expect a lot of black rappers with band aids on their faces from last nights show. Let’s see what Ryan Seacrest & Co. found:
John Keyser: 22 and he loves his daddy. His mom is clearly a bitch because she left him as a child, so all he ate growing up was PB & J sandwiches…. I just hope they weren’t made with grape jelly, because that’s gross.
Oh he’s actually kind of good. Color me raspberry jam and shocked! <— that made no sense.
He’s cute, but he’s no Philip Phillips, so shut up J LO!
Reis Kloeckener: His name is already to long and it annoys me. I can’t spell it and he still has a swoop bang.
He had no friends growing up and he used the word “swoop” not ironically in his opening package…. I kind of like him.
He’s good, but not good enough for Steven Tyler to weep. <— drug withdrawal.
Ethan Jones: He’s bleeding. Blood is dripping from his face.
He’s in band with his dad, because his dad is in rehab…. and Steven Tyler relates to the drug story and wants to be friends with his dad. BROMANCE!!
He sings the worst song on the planet.
Mark Ingram: Token gay black man. It makes me miss this guy….
Lauren Gray: Southern Daddy’s girl and she owns a wedding shop or something. (I’m gonna hire her for my wedding.) Her dad’s not in rehab… so she’s just rubbing it in everyone’s face.
She is screaming.
Jennifer Lopez is crying because you just know J Lo sits at night and listens to Adele, eats ice cream and cries about how she can’t keep a husband.
All I can say is… I wish I watched this in real-time, because this seemed like a funny episode. A funny episode without an appearance from Nelly.
Posted February 1, 2012on:
Get ready for a bunch of Oregon trail jokes (dysentery anyone???) and vampire/Twilight jokes because they filmed the movie there. It’s as if Oscar knew this was coming all along…..
That’s really all I know about Portland, so deal with it.
Let’s get into it!! Let’s hope this crap is funny:
Is it just me or did they not release any funny new photos for this season?? Because I’m just using the old shit… and while they’re good, you guys are getting sick of them.
Anyway…. Ryan Seacrest’s teeth may be whiter.
I love this home video shizz. Very deep. Very personal Nigel Lythgoe.
The montage of Portland Oregon looks nothing like Oregon trail or Twilight. It’s sunny and no one is drowning in the river because they recently broke their leg by falling off the wagon.
Brittany: This is a hipster from Portland, she loves Sara Bareilles and wears fedoras. I like her, but she’ll get annoying in about 3 weeks I’m sure. Tripster the Hipster.
—————————————————————————————–And now I’m gonna go turn tricks on the street so I can afford cable because my live stream went out.
Now, these Portland auditions are EXACTLY like Oregon trail (someone always dies) or Twilight (because vampires kill people). …. see, told ya!
Try to move on with your lives and check back tomorrow AM for a recappity cap!
Well, the live-ish blog went to hell last night, but that’s okay because Oscar got some rehearsal in and I watched 4 hours of 3rd Rock From The Sun.
Thankfully, other people on the internet watched the show and I can just borrow from them. Let’s see what fools auditioned:
Jenni: Ummm don’t let Jenni teach your kids. Ever. She definitely unbalanced.
And now she probably has an STD.
Haley Smith: She is the token pot smoker this season. And she dresses like she’s in a cult.
Shelby: (say this entire thing in a Minnesota accent). I was going to make fun of her and the bi-polar angle… but I feel bad for this girl. I want her to do well… she’s a cutie and I just hope she doesn’t have a manic episode while on stage, because Ryan Seacrest can’t handle it.
(I’ve never seen him look so straight)
Oh I like her! Good for her! J Lo is crying…. she loves her.
Angie: She thinks she’s Lady Gaga. And she is stalking her.
She wants to be a vintage glitter queen?? The first?? We already had Adam Lambert. BOO YAH!
Magic Cyclops: Obviously my favorite person.
He’s a British guy in Iowa, has a gambling problem and play the air guitar like a mofo. He’s totally tripping acid and he’s great.
Randy Jackson is so annoyed with him.
He’s a great dresser. Very patriotic.
I think him and Steven Tyler could be lovers.
That’s al I found interesting during my research of last nights show. I conclude that show was a bust… Jennifer Lopez didn’t fall down while skiing.
Hopefully, live-ish blog will return next week.
It’s as if Nigel Lythgoe wants to be friends with me and Oscar.
What do Ostriches eat?? I have no idea. You know what else I don’t know?? Where the auditions are taking place tonight. Does anyone know?? I hope it’s someplace ridiculous like… oh I don’t know…Wyoming?? Or one of the Dakotas (no offense if you’re from either region).
What I do know is I’m just looking for someone who will be better than my P²… which is totes mcgotes not gonna happen.
I literally hear “Dreamweaver” in my head when I see his picture. Anyhoo.. let’s get into this shizzzz:
And yes I’m still going to reuse funny photos from last season until I steal better ones from this season.
Oh they’re in Aspen.. that’s kind of close to Wyoming, right??
Oh My stream for Idol tonight is a gem tonight and it the sound goes in and out. I blame this on the Rocky mountains.
Ryan Seacrest’s brain is dying because of the high altitude.
This blonde girl with ADD: She is a mess. I can’t even deal with her. Who would let this woman teach their kids??? I’m clearly never going to Virginia.
*EDIT* And my live stream is really shitty so American Idol live-ish blog is cancelled tonight. I’ll do a crappy recap of a recap tomorrow morning.
PS Maybe I should collect donations so I can pay for cable
Let me know about the crazies tonight!
Maybe Nigel is confused, which is obviously the case, because I’m one of those people who believe he lives in a meth house in LA. I mean, even for a Brit his teeth seem a little off to me.
Anyway, American Idol had the genius idea of promoting American Idol season 11 by creating a 30 second promo spot that is just like taking a Lunesta; it involves Pia Toscano.
That’s all sweet and everything, but girl came in 9th place. Like she almost didn’t make it to the tour.
What about my little buttermilk biscuit angel that is Scotty McCreery?? Is “Love You This Big” not inspiring enough. Try and tell that to the cowboys in North Carolina.
I guess the point is anyone who is having trouble sleeping should watch this promo, not feel bad for the socialite of NYC that is Pia Toscano and then maybe audition for American Idol after you have a nice slumber.
HOLLYWOOD WEEK!! Wow… feels like a life time ago auditions started.
This is when the show starts getting good. The tears really start flowing… people start fighting… I heard there are some sordid love affairs… and people sometimes throw things like lamps. In other words… freak flags fly and people let out their bat shit crazy!
I didn’t even get new Steven Tyler pictures.. I suck. I wasn’t prepared for the Hollywood week beat down. Let’s hope these contestants are ready for it.
Randy Jackson… stop saying the talent is better this season. You say that EVERY season!!! It loses its strength and credibility. Idiot.
Some of these people already annoy me. You can always tell small town folk… the people who get super excited about hotel rooms. Most people fear bed bugs… small town folk relish in the queen size bed. <— that just made me sound like a super bitch. I’ve been watching to much J Lo. I apologize… but I’m not gonna delete it.
My goal tonight is to hate someone and fall in love with someone… LET’S GO! (don’t mind the random and sporadic pictures… and don’t mind the made up names on the contestants. Try to keep up)
Nice hair… glad he didn’t use conditioner.
He’s dizzy. Please don’t faint.
I like this kid. He’s a weirdo… but I like him.
Bret just gave his haters a big f**k you. You go boy!
I love how they throw Ry Ry up on the balcony. No one wants to hang out with him anymore. He’s nothing without Simon.
I know this girl. Like actually know her. Kind of. One of the guys I work with (who is a super talented musician… crazy talented)… that’s his ex GF. I have a source. It’s offic. And I swear to Oprah that’s true.
My Frank Sinatra stoner…I heart him. He may be my crush. I love Seth Rogan.. so I love him.
Oh I think I hate her. Wait. I know I hate her.
Why is she wearing a winter coat in Hollywood?
The sound of her voice makes me want to punch something.
She has a stage Mom I’m sure. Yup.. her mom is clapping along, planning to scream at her if she messes up.
I can not wait to hear about her and her purity ring for the next few weeks.
Oh wow… she went home. Wasn’t expecting that. Guess we’ll never know about the ring.
Now I feel bad for making fun of her. I hope her mom doesn’t freak out too much. (“No more sweat tea for you!!”)
Go film yourself driving home.
Where are the fights??
James Durbin is the Adam Lambert circa now.
Paris is great. I think I like her.
She just sang “My Heart Will Go On”… YOU GO GIRL!
Jack Dawson and I will vote for you.
I’ll never let go Paris… I’ll never let go.
Stop being Adam Lambert please… are the Glamberts going to jump ship and follow him???
I can’t wait to see this…. Birthday cakes will be made.
That isn’t her real name. I refuse to believe that.
She isn’t that good.
“end of her reign/rain” BA DUM CHH! You are funny Ry Ry.
I call her two names.
GHOST! WIN! I’m so into these people singing movie theme songs right now.
You are not in danger girl.
Oh I forgot about this kid. So sad. I love these two lovers. I like him. Glad he’s going on.
I just wanted to put that picture of Steven Tyler in. I feel like I’ve been neglecting him.
I feel so bad for these nervous people. I can’t even make fun of that. I would vomit on that stage so quickly. You have no idea. I’m so shy in real life… I would never be able to do that. <— just a little fun fact about Rocco.
YESS!! NO STD’s!!! I heart this kid.
Can his voice get any prettier?? The answer to that question is no.
Holy shit! Did she sing like this during her audition??
Wasn’t she the one sobbing??
Getting yourself together girl… I like that.
Michael Buble is sexy. This guy is not.
Wow.. Selena is going to get audited because she just kicked the accountant out. Bitch is going to jail. Better get Ben to bail you out!
Casey Abrams needs to be my best friend… like now. He just feels bad and hugs random people. He’s such a college kid who just smokes his bong all day and then plays jazz music.
Who is the sponsor?? FORD?!?!? I would never have guessed.
How did these people who suck get through?? I’m blaming it on Selena Y Los Dinos.
Rob & Chelsea??
Wow.. I’m just putting myself in that situation and I want to kill myself. I would quit the show myself.
Nice producers!! Way to put the people who hate each other with the people who fake love each other for ratings.
Nigel Lythgoe is a dick.
Are we going to have a wedding on the finale?? I hope Ryan Seacrest gets ordained as a minister??
He’s weird.. he never stops smiling. STOP SMILING!!
I wore that in my hair when I was 4. And I was a stylish pre-schooler, I’ll have you know.
I wonder if she knows Fink’s sweet loving is really meant for another man??
Let me guess… they split up the couple?? SHOCKING.
Nick Fink has on a satin jacket… if that doesn’t spell out G-A-Y… I don’t know what does.
Yes!! He’s going to beg to stay… this is the stuff I live for. He just got kicked off and he’s still smiling like a fool.
Wow… keep singing you idiot. You don’t look like a fool at all.
Jacqueline is breaking up with him as they hug… I’m convinced of it.
Is Fink yelling at Seacrest?? Only I can make fun of Ry Ry…. check yo self before you wreckity wreck yo’self!
I’d date him if he didn’t have that giant cross hanging from his neck.
I want him to sing/whisper sweet nothings to me about bull frogs in that deep timbre.
He sounds like a bullfrog and I like it.
I bet you $20 bucks he drives a pick up truck.
Jackie Wilson and Jerome Bell!!
Jackie wears denim skirts and Jerome Bell is still attractive. But tall, dark and handsome black men never win Idol… let’s be real. It’s a shame.
Dirty Jersey Girl!!
Oh she’s a winner. And she’s stuck up. Arrogant. She must listen to Lady Gaga.
She could be on Jersey Shore. The Situation would bang her.
I like this kid. He’s from the Bronx like J Lo. J Lo knows what it’s like because she’s from the block and she’s real.
YOU KEEP TIFFANY AND NOT TRAVY TRAV!!
J Lo just sent Travis back to the shelter… I hope she can sleep at night in her king size bed sans cockroaches as Travis rides the 6 train home in tears (And yes the 6 train goes from Hollywood to the Bronx.. duh)
Oh this montage is too much… I can’t keep up. A lot of people are moving on and the only person I caught going through was my possible Guido boyfriend Stefano (more on that tomorrow)
Groups are happening next week! This is my favorite.. fighting… tears… bitch slaps… J Lo picking favorites… people quitting… LOVE IT!
See you next week.
I don’t know why I said that… I’ll write tomorrow. Duh.
I apparently didn’t see this dude’s audition.
In my attempt to find a picture of Lee D. looking like a leprechaun (Don’t even ask… plus it doesn’t exist. Shocking.) I came across this.
Why is his shirt off??
I can’t even be bothered to look up his audition now, because it’s going to annoy me the fact that he took off his shirt during it.
If I knew this the whole time… I would have made fun of him every week and called him a tool.
This is going to take forever to burn out of my memory. I can’t take him seriously now.
This is all due to the fact that there is no picture of Lee bear looking like leprechaun bear.
American Idol auditions are back. Tonight brings us to Los Angeles, so I expect a lot of plastic and a lot of blonde. I expect some Botox and I definitely want to hear some valley girls. I can’t think of a stereotype for LA males.. but whatever that is.. I want to see it.
I’m armed with new Steven Tyler pictures… so let’s get this thing going. Oh and it’s only 1 hour tonight.. thank OPRAH!
What does LA have to offer in these waiters/waitresses who are struggling actors/musicians??
Hmmmmmm?? Steven Tyler is ready and so am I.
I’m really glad they recapped the good people (especially my boo Casey Abrams) because I don’t remember a lot of these people.
The best talent ever??? They say that every year… you can’t keep saying it. You make the other seasons feel bad. So rude.
I love how D Man and Lee bear are buddies next to each other during the opening. I’ve never noticed that. Shocking I know.
They should have played Miley Cyrus “Party In The USA”… doesn’t she reference the Hollywood sign?? Who produces this shit??
First contestant didn’t have fake boobs or blonde hair. Where the F are we???
She sounds like a lamb?? Is she singing about Jesus?? Please stop! This is making me uncomfortable.
I swear to Oprah I made the lamb joke (to myself. Out loud) before the judges did… I could sit at that table.
Her hair kinda looks like mine. Seriously. If I don’t do anything to my hair… it looks like that. But for some reason, I look cuter. I promise. And I don’t sound like a lamb and I don’t sing about Jesus. I sing about Oprah.
I’m kinda attracted to Tim (that picture is bad… but trust me) I have a crush (or maybe it’s just the fact that his purple shirt matches the back drop behind him). So does J Lo. Do I have to fight J Lo for Tim?? WTF?? I can’t compete with J Lo. She’s Selena Y Los Dinos. Goddamn it!
F U Randy!… you’re just jealous because he doesn’t want to sleep with you.
You’re wearing a treat hat. Who do you think you are?? Certainly not Lee bear. My heart fills weird. The treat hat is not becoming on you Justin. Ugh!
Let’s look at a proper treat hat on a proper human being.
Daniel & Isaac:
Nice swoop Daniel.
I think these two love each other. This bromance is weird.
Oh well Isaac… they know you dropped out now you Moron! Daniel should maybe come out of the closest to his parents during the audition.
Daniel.. YOU SUCK! And your side burns are out of control. I could have sworn he was going to come out of the closest during this audition. Weird.
Isaac…I love this song for some reason… but I don’t like him singing it. Wow… I hope you can get back into school on Monday. And I hope you can get a longer shirt before school on Monday. Don’t forget new pencils Isaac. I wonder what he goes to school for??
These two are delusional.
NYC HOLLLLAAA! Stamp. I like her. And we have similar hair. The fact that this girl just references TRL, and therefore Carson Daly, I’m a fan.
And they played Selena in the back ground. This is a subliminal message for Rocco.
NICE BANGS! DIRTY JERSEY!!
Ow-ow! I want to punch her.
I really wish her hair didn’t look like that. I’m pretty sure she is drunk.
Oh good.. butcher Frank Sinatra.
She’s actually chasing Randy. Where is security???
Heidi KAZAAAM!! (I think that’s her last name)
There is a girl stripping… well dancing like a stripper, but keeping her clothes on. That was weird.
Well, I can’t even tell if she can sing because I was so disturbed that she set the feminist movement back 15 years.
Douche Bag or Matt:
I have never gotten so many douche chills from one human being. The slicked back hair… the mustache… the suit… wow. He be sipping on the douche juice.
Why is he rapping?? What is happening??
Jeremy: Matt’s homie!! HAHAHHAHAHAH
OH MY OPRAH!! This guy is such a DOUCHE BAG!!
Ewww I feel violated.. he just said lubricate.
“I loved you in Selena….” HAHHAHAHAHHA
What is this guy talking about??? You’ve been squashing beef.. into YOUR MOUTH!
Mark & Aaron:
Oh good… TWINSIES!!
They are related to Anoop Desai. I’m confident in saying that.
I can’t get over their gay outfits… they look like a Banana Republic Catalogue. That one guy has a purple and sea-foam green scarf.
I didn’t even hear what they were singing. I guess they were good though. They got through.
“God like”….. you mean Oprah like. WATCH YOUR TONGUE STEVEN!
I’m a little shocked they didn’t end with a sob story. I actually wanted to cry tonight.
I couldn’t understand his name.. I can’t understand a word that crazy man was saying. And apparently no one else can because the producers sub-titled this man.
I have a fear this is going to be my Grandpa-pa in a few years… but not black. He may own that jacket already.
He’s kind of like a terrorist. A funny dressed terrorist.
Jennifer Lopez has never been so happy to get home to her skeleton husband, Marc Anthony.
He’s a terrorist… and a home invader.
HIDE YA KIDS, HIDE YA WIVES…..
Now that I think of it… he kind of looks like Steven Tyler :
I can’t believe I just watched 60 minutes of this and I didn’t see 1 fake boob. NOT ONE! I didn’t even see fake blonde hair. (minus Ryan Seacrest)
I have a new respect for LA… and I think I could live there with my brown hair and non-plastic body.
Ed. Note: I’d like to dedicate this post to a John Smith (tell Pocahontas I said “hello”). John Smith does not like me… as he so kindly told me after my last American Idol recap.
Well, out of all honesty. I think you suck. As a professional musician, i can say the people you critisized are worthy. You are wrong. Apart from Emma. Who is adorable. As i skimmed through this pile of crap, i tried to ignore your grammatic errors. If blogging is your proffesion. You suck at your job. Learn how to wright.
Please take notice of John Smith shitting on the written English word above. I’d like to dedicate all my grammatical errors, run on sentences and improper capitalizations to you good sir.
They all went to the Austin, Texas American Idol auditions. I’ve never seen so many cowboy boots.
Ohhhh 2 hours tonight. It didn’t even start as I write this intro, and I already don’t want to watch this until 10PM… but I’m going to do it. I do it for all of you. You dedicated people. You are welcome.
I’m annoyed by that apology. That was dumb. At least Nigel didn’t show up. It wasn’t even funny. That just proves that Nigel Lythgoe is an un-funny, upper class, white man.
In tradition… my live feed sucks and I have no idea what’s happening in the very beginning of this show… all I know is it’s happening in Texas. So… Republicans will be running around. GREAT. Republicans with a twang. BAM!
Southern accents crack me up!! I just can’t help but not understand what they’re saying. And I’m sure they would feel the same about me. We could bond in our differences. Maybe.
(I’m sure I messed up these people’s names once again. I do that all the time. They clearly don’t mean all that much to me. I’m careless with their proper nouns and their individuality)
This kid loves his sister way too much. This is weird. Siblings are supposed to hate each other. Competition needs to happen between the two… that’s how families interact.
Thank Oprah he didn’t sing this in a country twang. I would probably have shut my computer off.
I can’t tell if he’s gay or a frat boy.
Chill bumps?!?!? Are these two sleeping together?? He’s sleeping with his sister.
My feed went out… I don’t know what happened to this girl. I heard sad music and sniffles so I’m assuming they hated her.
Did they need to show this girl crying more??
Yes… sing Miley Cyrus… that will convince them.
This chick needs to stop. Stop singing and stop crying.
SHE BELIEVES IN MILEY CYRUS. I can’t wait to see a video of her smoking pot within the year. She’ll be a fun mess.
Circle of life??? I want my life to end. His swoop isn’t even decent. It’s silver and green. Kill me now.
Why do all Texans tuck in their shirt????? They look dumb. They do know that’s not fashionable right??
Ryan Seacrest outed himself on TV. Thank Oprah! He must feel so free.
Oh good. He has cowboy in his blood.
He’s telling a sad story. I’m sorry I made fun of him.
I kinda had a crush on him… but his accent would break us up. I can’t understand him.
I wish I couldn’t see the outline of his balls in those tight pants… un-tuck your shirt. He looks like a moron. (I’m such a bitch tonight)
I love his mom. Can I vote for her??
J Lo looks like Selena Y Los Dinos. I’m glad that happened.
This girl is scary. SHE IS NOT CRYING? BECAUSE OF RY RY!?!? This is weird.
Wow… J Lo is insecure. She needs to be told she’s beautiful.
I’m not even going to comment on that chicken move she did.
I don’t care how good she is… I can’t get that chicken thing out of my head.
She is going to regret doing that chicken thing tomorrow morning. Just like every other sorority girl in Texas. BA DUM CHHHH!!
That Glee commercial made my life. Cory Monteith’s smile rejuvenated me.
I already want to shoot these two. You can carry a gun in Texas right?? They’ll be broken up in about 5 months.
The chick was good. I liked her little braid thing she had going.
His last name is Fink. That gets my vote.
He sings really slow. Talk Real Slow Fink is his Native American Name.
The show tonight is boring the hell out of me.
This girl was talking about me. That’s exactly what I think of when I think of the south. I just think they all carry guns and eat a lot of dead cow. Oh and they love George Bush. All that or they’re rich Republicans. Either or. I feel like she just scolded me. I’m sorry South.
She’s good though. Country twang… but good.
I think I’m in a bad mood tonight. I shouldn’t be doing this. Oopsie!
That armadillo girl should probably be on medication. Just a suggestion.
Okay… he’s Amish and is from California. I knew I liked him the best out of all the Texans.
He does look like Seth Rogan.
I love his little Jew fro.
Holy shit he scatted. I like him. Him and his Jew fro.
Shocking he isn’t from Texas.
OHHHH 1st hour done. AGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Wait… it’s only 1 hour!?!?!!?!
I like Texas so much more. I want to visit right now.
PS And because I’m an idiot and was apparently to bothered to pay attention and multi task while I was writing I missed Lee bear’s “Beautiful Day”. I’m going to say it just didn’t happen… but people on Twitter convinced me. I believe everything they say. So listen to it now… if like me, you missed it.
I like the acoustic version better. Deal with it.
He tweeted twice (I think) since I started following him, and I’m already concerned about his incisive use of caps lock and his inability to make sense.
IN FACT EVERY POST I DO ABOUT HIS TWITTER, I’M GOING TO SHOUT AS WELL!!!
THAT’S NOT EVEN ENGLISH. IT’S GIBBERISH. HE TALKS LIKE BIG D. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I JUST TOOK SHROOMS AND/OR ACID.
NICE SOCKS AND NICE SPIKES JESUS JOGGERS.
THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!
AND NATURALLY THIS IS HIS PICTURE.
HE HAS A SCIENTIST JACKET ON BECAUSE HE’S MIXING HIS “MEDICINE”.
Ugh my throat hurts from shouting. And I literally have no idea what he’s talking about. And you know what?? I don’t care.
Does J Lo. have twitter?? She needs to get one if she wants to be popular. All the cool kids are doing it.