Posts Tagged ‘Jacob Black’
Okay.. I get the guido vampires are trying to kill them all, but can’t they crack a smile while posing for a magazine cover.
And shall we not forget that the werewolf guy falls in love with this child. And don’t even tell me he’s “imprinting” (a werewolf excuse for creepy love. Yeah— I read the books) because he falls in love with a newborn baby. Good thing she’s a weirdo and grows up really fast or something.
With that all being said… I’m really glad this little girl, Mckenzie Foy, has more facial expression than Kristen Stewart even when she looks like she od’ed on a bottle of Xanex.
Listen. I was never team Jacob Black/Taylor Lautner because the pale (or sparkly) stalker type is more my speed, but I get why people are into Taylor Lautner. He could kill someone with his bad acting and abs… it’s a attractive for some people.
Anyway, you ladies will be able to calm yourselves because Taylor Lautner is not gay. Someone has no friends or family to hang out with during the holiday weekend so they sat in their house, drinking a cheap bottle of rose, and photoshopped a magazine cover. It’s quite adorable actually.
A gay man would never use that image to come out of the closet… just ask Lance Bass’ magazine cover.
Taylor Lautner still wants to be an action hero and sleep with woman as far as I know, so all the 13 year olds can still make out with that Jacob Black pillowcase.
PS One more jawline for the road.
(There might be spoilers in this…. so if you haven’t seen it and want to see the movie, stop reading. If you could give a rat’s ass because this movie will never win an Oscar, then read on my friends. They’ll also be random pictures.)
Listen. I get it, it was a demon baby crushing Bella from the inside out, but does she need to scream like a vampire is biting a baby out of her stomach. OHHHH RIGHT!! HE IS!!
I’m scarred for life. Thank you very much.
I just came back from witnessing Breaking Dawn. And by “witnessing”, I mean assaulted. I went to a 2PM showing because The Revolution is my day job, and let me tell you, seeing anything from the Twilight franchise in daylight is very shameful. I think I was sitting next to two 14-year-old girls who cut school to see this movie, so that was a little awkward for my ego.
I’m just going to bullet point my thoughts on this film and in no particular order because I still feel assaulted by this movie. By the way, I wish you could see what I wrote down in the pitch black theater (because I didn’t want to forget)… it’s like hieroglyphics.
1) This was a giant anti pre-marital sex/ anti- abortion ad. WE GET IT STEPHENIE MEYER!! You are a mormon who waits to have sex and then never kills the accidental demon “whoops” baby. I get it.
2) The giant anti pre-marital /anti-abortion ad blew up in her face, because no matter if you have sex before or after you put a ring on it, you’re still gonna have the devil inside your womb. But that doesn’t even matter because your husband will just jab a giant needle into your heart to save your life. (In my head I’m typing this out and getting louder and louder).
3) Edward Cullen… did you need to jab the needle with such force into her heart?? Take it easy homeboy.
4) Speaking of taking it easy… these werewolf/dog guys need to take a Valium. Chill the hell out. I get that they hate vampires, but is this treaty really valid in contemporary times?? Probably not… so, Sam can just go work on his abs.
5) I’m going to assume people wish Taylor Lautner had less clothes on in this movie.
6) This movie is not a comedy, so I’m not sure why people (mainly the 14-year-old girls next to me) were cracking up at the “one liners”. Again, not a funny movie.
7) I really wish they didn’t make Bella Swan look like an anorexic while the freaky kid was sucking the life out of her. That was just frightening and it just made me eat more junior mints.
8 ) Speaking of bones protruding… HER JAW LINE WAS INSANE!! I forgot R Pattz’s perfect and elegant bone structure was even on the screen because her jaw was poking me in the eye. Eat a goddamn sandwich, Bella. Even a blood sandwich wood suffice.
9) Again, I’m never having a baby. I will always fear it will be this freak of a child.
10) I’ve never seen a more depressed bride in my life. Bitch.. if you’re this sad/nervous/going to vomit on your wedding day… it’s just a hunch, but maybe you shouldn’t be getting married.
11) And finally… this movie did NOT need to that long. 1 hour would have covered everything.
So.. there’s my review. You should probably see it, so you can make conversation while on public transportation.
I saw the very first Twilight at midnight when it came out. I was 21 and just found out I was graduating, so I stopped doing academic work, so naturally Twilight was the way to go.
The instant I walked into the theater I was annoyed. Waaaaay too many people, waaaaay too many girls, and waaaaay too much squealing.
The instant R Pattz came on the screen you couldn’t hear the next 7 lines of dialogue because girls were whistling, hollering and being obnoxious. I was there for the cinematic experience, not for girls to get off from R Pattz’s jaw line on the big screen.
So anyway, I can’t do Twilight Saga stuff at midnight because I value my $13 too much. Also, I don’t want to see any of these Twilight inspired tattoos because I will sit there and be distracted from laughing at people with these AWFUL tattoos.
Get ready…. these are nuts.
That’s Alice Cullen with a sunburn. She’s not even an important character, at least get someone who matters like Jacob Black’s father. I’m sure Ashley Greene is flattered though.
Okay. That’s kind of good, the plaid shirt is very nice, but just remember that some guy (or girl) is going to see you naked and then see this. They will ask you to put your clothes back on.
That is not even Twilight, that’s HARRY POTTER! Gryffindor is great, but has nothing to do with this franchise. Get your obsessions straight, lady!
They both look like the exorcist, so this is too frightening.
The most obscure quote and images in Twilight history is what this person decided to tattoo on their bodies forever. I’ll let that sink in.
Do you get my point?? You don’t want to see this movie with these people on midnight either. Go the next day with the normal crowd who just want to eat a bucket of popcorn in the dark and force their boyfriends to sit through a movie because he made you sit through Immortals. At least, that’s my plan.
We get it.
They get married, Jacob gets all mad and wolfy, she gets knocked with the demon child and Robert Pattinson is hot. Oh, and Kristen Stewart looks cross-eyed in almost every shot of her.
OMG it’s a month away.
But I won’t stop making fun of Kristen Stewart.
All I have to say is good thing she’s supposed to be playing a lifeless corpse in Breaking Dawn Apparently Part I (Do you they really need to break this up into two movies???) because now we can all understand that she’s just been method acting for the past 3 movies. And in every day life.
Don’t lie. You kind of want to see that demon baby’s eyes pop out of the belly!!
Annnnd I’m gonna need more intense R Pattz yelling in the next trailer. Get on that Summit!!
Taylor Lautner graced the cover of V Man magazine and the “V” must stand for “VERY 19, so it’s totally okay to print these out and make paper mache your lamp with them”.
I don’t know why he seems to be sweating profusely, but I hope someone got the kid (I mean 19-year-old man) some water to re-hydrate.
Listen. I get it. People who want to be film nerds and/or snobs like to bash movies like this. And while I like deep movies that change my perspective on life… sometimes I just want to see a naked R Pattz break some headboards in a mid- Morman version of a sex scene. Is that too much to ask for??
1) Jacob needs a Valium so bad.
2) I wish Kristen Stewart looked this pretty all the time. She should just be Bella Swan.
3) Edward Anthony Masen Cullen is such a dignified name… yet a gay one. I love it.
4) R Pattz. You have the greatest bone structure known to man.
5) Breaking Dawn should at least be nominated for Best Score because the music in the trailer is phenomenal.
Breaking Dawn is out November 18th and by then I should be halfway through my mourning period of Harry Potter, so I will be functioning enough to go see this.
PS thank you to yesjayme for sending me this trailer. Now, I have something to do for the rest of the afternoon.
Posted June 2, 2011on:
And yes…. I’m obsessed with that show and that’s why I talk about it constantly. I wish I was on it. I’m mad at my mother for not forcing me to spray tan at the age of 3. I would have been such a good pageant kid. I’m ruthless… I’d push Susie down the stairs right before her talent portion. Just kidding… or not??
Anyway…. Taylor Lautner has a crazy stage Dad and even his publicist peaced out because of overbearing daddy.
1) How can that man be his father??? But I’ll trust the internet for the purpose of this post.
2) The picture says it all. His Dad is a big, burly man who threatened the casting director of Twilight until his son was cast as Jacob Black. But then Taylor’s abs did the rest… and clearly his father had nothing to do with that.
Taylor’s dad will obviously ruin his career and steal all his money. He should divorce his father right now. Preferably, right before the release of Breaking Dawn for some extra press. <—- I should really be Lautner’s new publicist with plans like this. I’ll even put him in touch with Macaulay Culkin… they can discuss their fathers.