Posts Tagged ‘MTV reality’
We can officially call these bitches dumb.
Teen Mom, Leah Messer, is pregnant for a second time, because having a set of twins ruin her life as a teenager wasn’t enough. But don’t worry, she’s engaged to another guy who is the father to the new bun in her oven. I’m secretly hoping for triplets.
She’s 19 by the way.
A source has confirmed to E! News that the 19-year-old is expecting her third child with boyfriend Jeremy Calvert. Strike that, we can now ID Calvert as Messer’s newly minted fiancé!
The duo began dating in August, and Calvert reportedly popped the question with a 1.5 carat princess-cut diamond on Christmas Day. There’s no word yet on how far along in the pregnancy she is.
I hope there’s a new show on MTV called “Oops.. I’m A Teen Mom For A Second F**ckin’ Time Because I’m An Idiot”. I should really be a producer.
Snooki followed up her New York Time’s Bestseller *deep breath* with Confessions of a Guidette. Basically, she tells us all how to be like her, and I’m guessing if we all get skin cancer, have an STD, get alcohol poisoning once, and dress like a Halloween costume, we’re on the right track. Now, we just need some leopard prints and glitter.
(Note: Unless I have an unexpected celebrity fan base… she makes more money than you. Let that sink in.)
This is some of the enrichment she is placing on her readers. Get ready for it. It’ll probably change your life:
“My biggest nightmare is waking up pale. Or without eyelashes.”
“A guidette has to know how to have fun anywhere. Like, if you’re stuck in a cardboard box, you have to rock it.”
“LOVE my slippers. It’s like wearing beds on your feet.”
“If you can smell hair gel from a mile away, it signals guido mating season.”
“I like to wear so many accessories that people are confused.”
“Guidettes are born with attitude. It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, skinny, round, or a Smurf, or what your background is, we put on our bronzer and we fricken rock our princess status. Like, get out of our way, we don’t care what you think. Unless you’re a mirror.”
That’s all really educational info. Now, we know what the Snooki army will look, sound, and smell like… so we can easily take them out.
I wonder if her books are infused into the American high school English curriculum yet?? It’s really only a matter of time at this point.
It’s no secret that I like the Jersey Shore. I blame Mamadukes for that addiction. It’s as if she handed me a bag of crack and hair gel, and now I can’t stop.
I’m just gonna get into it and lay down the Jersey Shore trailer for season 4. And yes this is the season they bring the guido shenanigans to Italy.
Just from this trailer alone, I apologize to all the Italians of the world. Mi dispiace!
Some other things we learn:
1) Pauly D is sexy.
2) J Woww has giant ta-tas.
3) I’m gonna need Pauly D to stop touching tongues with that midget chick because it’s making me nauseous.
5) The Situation sexually assaulted that poor Italian girl. Language barrier is not an excuse in the courts.
6) Ronnie is definitely on steroids.
7) Pauly D is extremely good-looking.
Mamadukes is so stoked!
True story: Mamadukes & Big D want to go back to the Jersey Shore next summer, and Mamadukes played it cool, but I’m pretty sure she’s just hoping she runs into her boyfriend, Pauly D. Big D has no idea of the real plan, but that has to be it, because no one loves going to Jersey that much.
I mean, I’m gonna tag a long for a free vacation, but let’s be real…. this is all for Pauly D and his perfect grin.
Anyway, these guidos and hos are back in Jersey, so here are pictures!
Ohhh I wonder if Ronnie and Sammi have fought yet???
Ask me what I’m doing today??
GOING TO THE TANNING BOOTH IS WHAT!!
Jersey Shore is being recast after the 5th season, and since I have no idea what’s going on in my life, I think the best thing to do is get on season 6 of Jersey Shore as a new cast member and try not to get pregnant. (or if I do… BINGO! Spin -off!! You’re welcome MTV!)
I can do that! I can make that face!! Especially after I had that much to drink, I will fo sho be vomiting.
“After this group comes back from Italy and shoots season 5 this summer, that will be the end for them,” says an insider. The new stars will be “a lot cheaper”… plus the current gang can feel free to pursue spinoffs. Says the source, “They will leave on a high note!”
I’m so cheap! I’d do it for $1000 an episode. Plus, I really need to shame my family because I haven’t done that yet.
Does anyone know a videographer so I can record my audition tape??
I’m gonna go tan and get my poof going.
Or it’s just Vinny and the rest of the boys stretching and doing some form of gay wrestling in the streets of Florence. AWESOME!
While the boys were doing that… Snooki was breaking up. Literally. She was breaking up with her boyfriend who is kinda cute, but now contaminated.
I bet it had something to do with those freakin’ shoes.
Snooki and her boyfriend, Jionni hate each other now, and to be honest… I can’t wait to see this on TV. You know that Snooki is going to drink her face off and hook up with some dirty Italian guy because she’s heartbroken. And this clearly why she ran into a police car.
Posted June 4, 2011on:
Where did I go wrong in life??? Why am I not making a ridiculous amount of money for getting drunk and traveling??? I spend money to do that, and these fools get paid massive amounts to do it.
We can begin to see these guidos terrorize Italy August 5th which is perfect because I’m sure Mamadukes will be missing her some Pauly D by then.
And good news from MTV. Once they are done spreading their seeds and germs in Florence, they will head back to seaside for the summer and film the 5th season.
My one goal this summer is to make out with Pauly D at the Jersey Shore on the boardwalk, right after he buys me a Lifeguard t-shirt at the t-shirt shop. And don’t even say that it’s not plausible, because that’s how all summer makeouts with guidos start. Trust me.
Posted May 31, 2011on:
Buuuuuut because I watch Jersey Shore I’m just going to assume it could have been other strain on her neck that caused this.
I don’t know if I’m more concerned about her possibly injury or the injuries of the animal she slaughtered to get those ugly ass shoes on her feet.
The Italian police (who are probably hot) have 90 days to decide if they are going to persecute or prosecute (I get them mixed up… whichever is NOT the death one) Snooki, so MTV better get Deena or J Woww to bang the Italian po po to put an end to the insanity!
I can’t wait until Nancy Grace gets ahold of this story like she did with the Amanda Knox thing. The made for TV movie is going to be awesome. I’m gonna get that short mexican woman who works at the dry cleaners around the block to audition for Snooki. I get 10% there mamacita!
Posted May 23, 2011on:
It is no secret that I love the Jersey Shore. It makes me feel awesome about the direction of my life because I know I don’t have STD’s and I’m not on camera doing shameful things that I have to later explain to my family. (I just write this and then have to explain myself)
One thing I do not love about Jersey Shore is the freakin’ relationship between Sammi and Ronnie. Raise your hand if you think these two will live happily ever after???
All your hands should be touching the damn ground.
How does going back into this relationship seem like a good idea to either of them?? I’m pretty sure once a guy calls you every name in the book and then on top of that throws your shit outside and breaks your belongings, it’s time to call it quits.
A boy once broke my Backstreet Boy pen in 7th grade (totally on purpose) and you bet your ass I didn’t talk to him the rest of the year. When he wanted to study for a final senior year, I told him to get lost. <—- that pen story is a true one!
I guess I can just look at this as another reason to be proud of my life. None of my relationships are this toxic and I don’t wear shirts with tigers on them.
I could be President.
You know what?? I can’t blame him. What he says is the truth. Intelligence and truth just ooze from his baby blues and his silver hair. I heart him.
“The show up and throw up” fee…. HAHHAHAHAHA Anderson!! You slay me with your wit.
Let’s get married… I’ll never tan in my life.