Posts Tagged ‘Paula Abdul’
You Guys… I Can’t Really Sit And Watch Mariah Carey Talk With Her Boobs Hanging Out For Two Hours
Posted on: July 24, 2012
I’m going to say something unpopular here— I don’t like Mariah Carey. Besides Mamadukes and my sister, I’m pretty sure everyone else is leaping is loving Mariah Carey and her new post as American Idol judge.
I mean, don’t get me wrong— she’s talented and I like a handful of her songs, but I was a little young when she was in her prime and I just remember her nervous breakdown on TRL.
Anyway, it’s been announced she’s the new Idol judge and it just gets me more amped for X Factor.
“I am so excited to be joining Idol,”Mariah shared in a phone call with Fox boss Kevin Reilly (via TV Line). “I wanted to be there today and I wish I could have been there myself to tell you. I can’t wait to get started in a couple months.”
At the very least- she’ll be a hilarious train wreck because she’s still kind of ridiculous. She won’t be as nuts (or high) as Paula Abdul, but this is close enough. American Idol is just not taking the hint that they should maybe call it quits.
But side note, can they please oh please have a Glitter themed night??
-Rocco
No One Wants Nicole Scherzinger To Vote Off Children Without Bathrooms On X Factor Anymore
Posted on: January 31, 2012
- In: X Factor
- 4 Comments
Everyone in the world hates Nicole Scherzinger, so Simon Cowell told her to go back and try to get her solo career started for the 19th time.
I really have nothing to say about this except… THANK GOD! I’m over Nicole Scherzinger trying to be funny and/or intelligent while judging children trying to make some money for their families. And I’m definitely tired of her trying to hock some old people singing as well. Doesn’t she know this is America???
PS Paula Abdul is out too, which makes me think X Factor will be even sillier than last time.
-Rocco
Peace out Marcus!!! <— we’ll get to that later.
They did not let Nicole Scherzinger sing last night?? I would have preferred watching Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson try to make a come back again then see/hear this.
Nicole has been trying to release an album for the past 4 years. Just give it up… no one wants to buy the shit that you’re hocking.
I wish someone I could stand to look at for more than 3 minutes was singing this song, so I could enjoy the pop melody.
Anyway, back to the contestants who will never be worth 5 million dollars (no offense).
First… they ruin “No Diggity”
This is one time Melanie Amaro could use her fake accent and it’d be appropriate… instead she just looks like a preacher’s wife. And nothing is funnier than Josh Beast Man singing Blackstreet. This is why shows like X Factor and American Idol will always exist; Americans like to watch people look awkward in front of millions.
So yeah… Marcus Canty is gone. Obviously. It’s all very anti-climatic because he’s been in the bottom since he got their and this just means Paula is done sleeping with him so he can go back home now.
I hope Chris Rene wins the finale.. you know how much drugs you can buy with $5 million???
Oh wait… maybe someone else should win???
Biebs is on next week… it will definitely be entertaining.
-Rocco
- In: X Factor
- 3 Comments
Okay. So I guess last night’s show was broken down into two parts?? The first was “dance”, so without even watching it, I know that will be a mess. It’s going to be like gay club on crack, I’m sure. And the second part was the contestants preparing a song in less than 24 hours, so that means the contestants probably just sang their favorite karaoke number. FYI I’d sing Taylor Swift “Love Story”. I have a history of that.
Melanie Amaro: This newly crowned Caribbean princess is a moron because she should have sang Rihanna. She could have used her awesome fake accent. Instead she ruined an Adele song.
Marcus Canty: Nicole thought he took the crowd “to church” and once again it just proves my theory that she needs to just stayed a Pussycat Doll.
Chaka Khan?? This was a very gay club performance sans glitter.
Rachel Crow: She should probably have a show on Disney or Nickelodeon. And Nicole should probably stop talking because the bathroom jokes are only funny when I bring them up every week. Nicole ruins everything.
She looks a 40-year-old divorcee in that outfit and she turned the song into a lesbian love song. She hasn’t studied pronouns in school yet.
Josh Beast Man: Rihanna’s “We Found Love”?? YES YES YES!!! This. Is. Great.
Chris Rene: He’s the worst singer which is suitable when he’s singing the Rihanna hook.
Nicole is clearly taking whatever drugs Paula used to take. She just called him “Josh”. She’s a mess.
Annnd now for the second part of the fabricated “drama”.
Melanie Amaro: Prince Of Egypt. Shocking song choice ‘mon!
YES!! She talks again!!! YESSSS!! Please I will believe in anything if we can keep this crazy bitch around.
Marcus Canty: He’s singing something that I’m not paying attention to because I still here Melanie’s accent in my head.
Rachel Crow: “Music & Me”?? She’s singing a song that no one has ever heard of and I don’t understand, out of ALL THE SONGS IN THE WORLD, this is the one she goes with. And I’m not sure why they insist on dressing her like that. I’m pretty sure my Grandma was buried in that dress. She was a great dresser.
Josh Beast Man:
The only awesome thing about this was Simon said he looked “insane” and then told Nicole to “get lost”. HAHHAHAH! My dislike for Nicole Scherzinger is out of control.
Chris Rene: He’s not wearing his gangsta cap and he’s singing an original. Okay??
I can’t understand the lyrics of that song… he didn’t say them enough.
I’m not sure who I want to go home, but I do know I need Melanie to stay around some more because she is out of her mind, which equals family entertainment.
-Rocco
- In: X Factor
- 10 Comments
I don’t even have time to ramble on how a Michael Jackson theme is such a bad idea, so let’s just get to the videos to prove my point.
I'm Billie Jean's lover and the kid IS my son.
Josh Beast Man: “Dirty Diana”
Pick a more obscure Jackson song, please.
His perm looks great. I can’t even watch this whole thing, the acrobats on the floor are distracting me.
Astro: “Black & White”
Okay… he’s not singing a Jackson song. He’s saying stuff over the track. And apparently this is an ode to the Scottish with the kilts. WHAT IS HAPPENING?? He’s great, but this has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.
Drew: “Billie Jean”
I like this chick and I have no idea why everyone is bugging out about the lack of spectacle. Who cares if she’s sitting down or standing?? I want to hit Nicole with that chair.
My god that host is a giant man.
Rachel Crow: “Can You Feel It”
I’m sad she didn’t talk about how many awesome bathrooms Michael Jackson probably had.
This wasn’t that great, but she has an awesome fro.
Marcus Canty: “Pretty Young Thing”
This guy thinks he’s Usher. He needs a little white kid running around with him a la Justin Bieber for me to believe him.
What is up all this military inspired garb?? Wardrobe department fund cuts???
Chris Rene: “I’ll Be There”
He’s kind of bad, but I don’t want him to turn to drugs so I hope he makes it through. And I’m totally ignoring the solider jackets!!!
Maniac Melanie: “Earth Song”
Of course cray cray chose a random song and she speaking in her Island accent again. WHO IS THIS NUT JOB!?!? I love her. Please, America keep her. I really hope that Rihanna was faking her Island accent the whole time and she really has a Brooklyn one.
Shit.. I’m gonna start speaking with a British accent. If Melanie can conjure one up… so can I.
The Jackson children had a great time (especially the one in red). They totally have military inspired outfits on underneath those clothes.
I don’t even know how to end this gracefully, so I’m just gonna say Cheerio and Bollocks!!
-Rocco
- In: X Factor
- 2 Comments
Thanksgiving week?? A theme that’s for giving thanks?? WTF does that mean?? I have a gut feeling it was an attempt at sob stories, but I’m sure it came out like the vomit your crazy Uncle does after eating too much turducken.
EDIT: THE BEST X FACTOR EVER!! Tears, Jesus dedications, randomly speaking other languages, Taylor Swift….. and just a reminder its THANKSGIVING WEEK!!
Before we get into that, why was Simon Cowell tweeting and hash-tagging ” Oh Snap!”???
That cracks me up for some reason.
Ok let’s get into Thanksgiving week on X Factor:
Where's the stuffing?? I LOVE STUFFING!!!
Rachel Crow: Well, we know she’s not giving thanks about her bathroom situation, so of course she’s going to bring up the crack baby business. I think it’s a great angle.
I’m not thankful for her outfit and that gospel choir.
Everyone’s gonna cry tonight aren’t they???
Marcus Canty: I’m thankful he’s singing a Boyz II Men song and the song I sing for my mother every mother’s day. I’m gonna assume it’s for his mother too.
Holy puberty voice crack mama!
TEARS! I’m turning this show into a drinking game and taking a shot every time someone sheds a tear. And yes it’s 8AM and yes I’ll be drunk by 8:30AM.
His mom will definitely be voting for him.
Melanie Amaro: Why does every one sing R. Kelly on the weeks it’s supposed to be about inspiration, thanks and all around goodness?? They do know he’s a pedophile right?? Not the world’s greatest.
And the absolute best part is she dedicated the song to… wait for it.. THE LORD!!!
Trapped in the closet is my favorite song. And "I Believe I Can Fly" because I CAN FLY!
Something tells me Jesus isn’t an R. Kelly fan.
Is she speaking another language?!??! WTF IS GOING ON???!? Maybe Jesus is a huge R Kelly fan because she’s speaking in tongues…. who knew??
This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. SHE’S CRAZY!!! SHE IS A NUT JOB! Please America… keep this crazy ho on this show!
Nicole is of course crying because she’s just as nutty. Paula looks sane which you know is never a good thing.
Chris Rene: “Let It Be”??? I’ll take it Chris, especially after Maniac Melanie (It’ll catch on!) He dedicated it to his rehab counselor… that’s sweet, but it’s not the Lord!
I can’t even concentrate right now… I’m afraid Melanie is sacrificing Rachel Crow and Astro in the back.
Lakoda Rayne: TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!! They win! They dedicate “You Belong With Me” to their families, which makes absolutely no sense, but I dedicate EVERY Taylor Swift song to EVERYONE in my life, so I’m okay with it.
This is kind of awful, but if they love Tay Tay, I have to respect them. And Paula is finally back to being the normal one and crying, so that makes me even a bigger fan.
LeRoy Bell: He sings that song from the PSA for the Humane Society. I feel like buying a dog.
Paula is crying. Shocking. TAKE A SHOT!
That was good. Good job kind of attractive Grandpa.
Astro: An original song dedicated to his fans?? OH. MY. GOD. It’s basically about him and he says: “bloggers they hate me”. I never said I hated him… I just want him to date Rachel Crow so we can have some more drama.
Can someone get a DNA swab from Kanye West, because I’m pretty sure this is his spawn.
Drew: “Skyscraper”. I haven’t even heard this, but I’m gonna assume it’s good. She dedicates it to her BFF, who helped her accept herself… that is so freakin’ sweet. I have never dedicated a song to my BFF… I suck. I’ll record it later.
So, you can’t see it in that video, but we all learned that LA Reid is pretty much an idiot because he said something about Drew singing an age appropriate song. Clearly, he has no idea who Demi Lovato is. Simon put him in his place, but of course LA Reid is daft and has no clue.
Josh Kracjik: I’m afraid of this man. I just feel like he could kill me and hide my body all while playing the piano in a smoke machine.
This was a good performance. He’s good, but Nicole Scherzinger in tears just ruined everything. SHE IS SO DRAMATIC!! OH. MY. GOD!!!!! And nice sign language at the end…. what a bi-lingual group we have.
I’m thankful for his side part last night.
WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?! What was that show?? I feel like I just took acid. Clearly, this was the most entertaining show of the season, because of all the crazy (MELANIE!!).
Keep this crazy lady around please.
-Rocco
- In: X Factor
- 10 Comments
I wrote that title before I watched any videos from last night’s X Factor, but I’m assuming that’s what happened because last week’s “movie theme” week was not that at all. I’m going to assume that no one will sing a rock song.
I have no other chit chat… so let’s get into “rock” week:
LeRoy Bell: “We’ve Got Tonight”
This is the least rock thing I’ve heard already and this is only the first performance. He sounds good, but he’s wearing leather.
Rachel Crow: “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”
She better start planning her bathroom because she’s gonna need to hide in it when Britney Spears comes after her for singing this better than her (sorry that was a lame Britney Spears joke that probably went over everyone’s head). She’s adorable even in her dumb costume.
Chris Rene: “No Woman No Cry”
Still sober I guess and wearing a “Occupy Wall Street” shirt. I would’ve thought he was a Republican because of the drug past?? Hmmmm?? He’s an awful singer. And this isn’t a rock song. Chris might have been in withdrawal when he decided to turn this into reggae week.
Stacy Francis: “It’s All Coming Back To Me”
This is my favorite song to fake sing to, because it’s so goddamn dramatic and therefore obnoxious… of course they gave it to Stacy Francis. The sound of her voice makes me want to eat meatloaf and then vomit.
She’s old and no one will buy her album. There … I said it.
Melanie Amaro: “Everybody Hurts”
Again… just because REM usually sings “rock”-ish songs, doesn’t mean you can choose the one non rock song. Or do I just hold a crappy definition of what consists of rock??
She sounds good…. but I forget about her every week. And how has no one slapped Nicole Scherzinger yet…. she’s kinda bitchy.
Josh Beast Man: “The Pretender”
If he doesn’t perform a rock song.. it’s all over. Foo Fighters is good and he added a drum kit and a strobe light. He got the “rock memo”.
Nicole must have epilepsy because she’s having a seizure.
Astro: “I’ll Be Missing You”
This has never been less of a rock song. A song about Notorious BIG’s death is not rock, but he’s a child so he might not be able to read.
Funny how LA has no qualms that this isn’t rock.
Lakoda Rayne: “Go Your Own Way”
I can’t help but like these girls despite their stupid outfits that Paula convinces them to wear every week. They’re gonna have a great performance one day… I agree with Simon.
Drew: “With Or Without You”
I like this chick too. Not a rock song once again… but I would love to hear the album she makes. I’m not even going to make fun of anything about this.
Marcus Canty: “Piece Of My Heart”
He made a rock song look like an Adam Lambert performance. In fact, I think Adam Lambert owns that jacket.
These mentors are a great idea theoretically, but it just turns out that whenever the other judges mentee (is that the right word??) is on the stage they just say negative things. And I’m mostly talking about Nicole Scherzinger because she’s just an idiot.
I can' bear to watch!
-Rocco
There I said it!! I said what you all were thinking… “thank Paula Abdul’s amphetamines those guys are gone!”
So, that happened.
And the top 11 also performed, and it was little less of a big ol’ mess because those 10 awesome children weren’t running around. But, it was a mess because no one was lip synching, so it was like having a bunch of Rihanna’s on the stage.
Willow Smith and Rachel Crow totally got in a fight backstage. I like to imagine it was in the bathroom just for poetic reasons.
The cool has just been sucked out of me from watching Willow Smith perform. I’ll never have that swag. Never. She gets invited to parties because she’s a “Fireball”.
And the absolute best part of last night’s X Factor elimination show was Paula Abdul’s meltdown at the 8:40 mark. She “absolutely refuses” to vote. She blubbers her way through her soliloquy. and it’s the best.
That’s good television.
-Rocco
- In: X Factor
- 4 Comments
I would sing 'That Thing You Do'!
And Oscar would be smart for singing that because these contestants picked the most obscure songs in movie theme history. Get Smart and Runaway Bride??? Those were actual movies people chose from. HILARIOUS!
I would have played the pan flute and performed Titanic‘s theme song. I hear the rousing applause now.
Anyway, the top 11 chose their movies/songs out of the discount bin at the Blockbuster that is closing its doors around the block, so clearly the show was all over the place.
Stacy Francis: I’m glad she went first because I can’t stand her. I can’t stand her bad weave and her plastic red dress tonight either.
She just doesn’t stop screaming, that’s all I hear when she sings. She also kind of looks like an alien. She looks like Paula Abdul in an alternate universe, which brings me back to my alien point and that makes me a genius.
Marcus Canty: I always forget this guy, but then I remember he hates Justin Bieber because J Biebs gets to hang with Usher a lot.
When the host says “movies” it sounds like he says “boobies”…. that makes me laugh.
HIS JACKET! Who is dressing these kids??? The Stylist is on acid and the fog machine guy needs to stop pressing the button.
I don’t know what movie this song is from, but it’s probably from a Tyler Perry movie. And now I sound like a racist.
Drew: Okay… she’s singing a popular song, but it’s from You, Me And Dupree and I honestly forgot was a movie at all.
And my point of the stylist taking acid has just been re-confirmed with her outfit. Why is she wearing that?? (Edit: she designed that herself. My God)
Anyway, she’s great. I really like this girl… I’d buy her album. She may be my favorite. And she has a wind machine… that always gets my vote.
SHE’S 14?!?!?! I refuse to believe that.
LeRoy Bell: He’s singing a song from Runaway Bride, which is HILARIOUS!! Why can’t they just say U2? This is U2 right?? I don’t really like them so I have no idea.
He has a treat hat filled with his old man vitamins. Probably.
LaKoda Rayne: I know people don’t like this girls… but I do. And I like this Keith Urban song.
I liked this performance… again, I’d probably buy their album.
On a side note…. I can’t stop wondering if Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ever slept together?? I know that’s strange, but it plagues my mind!
Astro: Of course he’s rapping the song from 8 Mile.
I don’t understand why he can’t just rap the original lyrics. That annoys me a little bit. If he can do that… why can’t the rest of the contestants just sing what they want?? I don’t get it.
I think LA Reid is his secret daddy.
Melanie Amaro: I love how she just sang a Michael Jackson song and said it was from This Is It. Touche! This is obviously a very loose theme.
She’s better than Stacy Francis. She should stay longer than Stacy Francis. Her weave is even nicer.
Stereo Hogzz: They’re singing ”Ain’t No Other Man”, so that’s just weird and I don’t have to make it weirder but I’ll tell you it’s from the movie Get Smart.
Paula’s introduction WAS THE BEST.
This is an awful song for them… to many pronoun changes.
Josh Beast Man: I have to say, I’ve been obsessed with The Wonder Years so I’m immediately a fan of him singing this song. I didn’t know there were so many other verses to this song. Who knew??
Nice wind machine! And nice creepy dancers in the blue dresses. The entire production team on show is on drugs.
Chris Rene: OKAY! We get it. He was in rehab! Great song… but again, why the new lyrics??
I’m just jealous because I want to be a rapper. So bad.
Rachel Crow: (Side note: I just read she was born in a crack den. Give this girl $5 million now!! Rehab?? Old timers who just want to make it??? They’re not crack babies. She wins!!)
I’m glad they saved my little bathroom nugget for the end. She has an AWESOME fro and I’m so jealous. I’m so jealous I’m judging my tiny bathroom now.
This song is probably from an NYU student film.. I have no idea, but she sounds great. It’s astounding how good she is. Swag! And I want her dress.
Simon…. I bow down to your genius.
Was that not the most random song choices ever?? I’m going to watch movies all day just to think random songs that play on the radio in the background for the contestants to choose from next season?? American Idol usually makes no sense with themes, but this takes the cake now.
I hate that saying.. I can’t believe I just wrote that.
-Rocco
Oh X Factor. You Already Have A Second Season, So Who Cares, Right? (A Recap Of Sorts)
Posted on: November 3, 2011
- In: X Factor
- 6 Comments
I’m just going to say what we are all thinking: Nicole Scherzinger is an idiot and we all want to hit her when she “cries” AT EVERY SONG!
X Factor finally went live last night and I’m sure the show was about 4 and 1/2 hours long. Hope you all had fun watching it. Too bad you didn’t just come here 12 hours after to read a re-hash of the whole thing in 5 minutes. You’ll catch on one day.
I’m just going to get right into the performances because clearly I didn’t watch the show and I have no idea what stupid banter happened in the beginning. I think I can safely assume that it had a lot of Pepsi advertising and a lot of recapping because Simon Cowell seems to love those two things.
LET’S GO!
Stereo Hogzz: MY favorite black boy band. Shocking Paula chooses “Rhythm Nation” for them. I’m sure she just wanted to talk about how she choreographed this for Janet Jackson. One guy has a beret on, and all of them have military jackets on as if Michael Jackson ran our nation’s army. Which, would be awesome!
They have the boy band style down.
Chris Rene: So far he still looks sober, which is a good thing. I think he got a haircut or he just stopped wearing a stupid hat. Either way he looks less gangster and scary, which is comfortable to America.
This was a good performance, but the flames might have just convinced me to like it.
LeRoy Bell: I want LeRoy to be my Grandpa. Is that possible??
Nicole is an idiot for giving this old man swag a Lonestar song. Paula’s been slipping something in her Pepsi.
I think Simon called him “Laurie”, which is awesome. And I think Simon hates Nicole, which I love so so so much.
Rachel Crow: My one and only thought… How’s her bathroom situation going??
“Walking On Sunshine”?? What an adorable song for this little nugget. Her hair is what Rihanna always wanted and that’s a fact.
Simon is a badass.
Lakoda Rayne: Paula clearly dressed these 4 while on an acid trip (and Simon thinks it’s “literally insane!”). That’s really all I have to say. Also, I hope their prom dates got them pretty corsages.
I want these girls to sing an obvious Taylor Swift song. Oh please, do that.
Josh Krajcikljshdfjkds: I hate his last name and he’s singing the most depressing song, “Jar Of Hearts”. Nicole Scherzinger didn’t put him in a beast costume and that is sad…. she even looks really sad about it.
This guy is just a big, strange man….but I like him.
AND CAN NICOLE STOP CRYING??!?! I want to punch her in the face, so so badly.
Melanie Amaro: She’s good. We get it. I’m bored. Nice shiny jacket. Why am I always not a fan of the excellent singers??
Astro: This 14-year-old already has his named spelled out in giant letters, only raps his own lyrics, and throws in remixes. I can’t wait for his duet with Justin Bieber. It will obviously be my favorite song.
Is there a rumor he’s dating anyone on the show yet?? Let’s start that.
InTensity: Simon thinks these kids are “rebels”… I don’t know what’s happening over in London these days… but I need to get there. If these kids are rebels in London… I’m a badass mofo and need to move there.
They are so cheesy and Disney and Glee and I just love everything about these kids. (I just hope they are studying for midterms.)
There are so many people on stage. So many. It’s like the Duggars… if the Duggars were into interracial relations.
Drew: Laying in a bed of roses?? Obviously the best staging ever. And she dresses like Taylor Swift. I like this chick. She’s cool. And I think she’s singing a Nelly song which is HILARIOUS!
Marcus Canty: He’s like a mix of Usher and Chris Brown and I can only hope he won’t punch people in the face and/or sign a white boy to his label to compete with J Biebs.
Stacy Francis: She is too old, and definitely not LeRoy Bell old/cool. She’s just old.
I can’t find video of homegirl, so here’s a picture. “Up To The Mountain” sounded exactly like we imagine it would sound, I’m sure.
I don’t care who goes… I just need Rachel Crow, InTENsity, that rapping kid, the beast man, and the rehab guy (to make sure he’s sober) to stick around. Oh and throw in Grandpa LeRoy because these kids need some guidance.
The result show is tonight (???) and I’m sure it will be long and drawn out, even though they should just tweet the results and let that be the end of it.
-Rocco
