Posts Tagged ‘Randy Jackson’
You guys. I haven’t watched American Idol ALL season. Is that not amazing? The American Idol Live-ish Blog is apparently deceased and Oscar is officially turning tricks on the street.
Anyway, the American Idol finale was last night and I don’t know anyone who knew this— except Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson because they planned a farewell sleepover for after the show. A totally platonic sleepover.
I guess this girl Candice Glover won. And I’m definitely assuming her coronation song sucks because she isn’t Phillip Phillips.
We’ll see Candice on Glee in about 14 months and she’ll be playing Mercedes’ younger sister.
I feel disgusting just posting about this, but what can I say? I need to pay rent this month and people are going to be googling the shit out of American Idol’s ex-dawg, Randy Jackson because America does things like that.
Remember when Randy Jackson was really fat? Those were the days.
Word on the street is Fox wants to get rid of everyone on that show (except Ryan “highlights” Seacrest) and start that shit over.
Even though it should just be cancelled because no one cares about that show (sidenote: I couldn’t name one contestant on that show if I had a gun to my head) Randy Jackson released a statement saying that he was peacin’ out and started his statement of with “yo yo yo”.
Next press release I write in my real life (as opposed to my Revolution life) I’m starting it off with yo yo yo.
“Yo! Yo! Yo! To put all of the speculation to the rest, after 12 years of judging on American Idol I have decided it is time to leave after this season.”
It’s kind of adorable, the kind of adorable Randy was when he was fat, that he thinks this is HIS decision.
-Your Dawg 4 Life, Rocco
I’M ALIVE! But seriously— these American Idol shows are way to confusing to recap the morning after. I kinda wish there was a pill for it. BOOM!
It’s super difficult because whoever produces and edits this mess of a show puts 19 people into one segment that goes up on YouTube and I don’t know the name of these fools. Just give me the top 12 so we can make up ridiculous nicknames and rumors about these people and start making fun of their bad song choices.
What’s been 6 years? What does that mean American Idol? The only thing I can imagine American Idol was 6 years ago was relevant.
Okay, anyway since it’s super difficult to recap these Hollywood round all I’m going to do is talk about Kez Ban. I missed Hollywood week for the boys and the girls and I feel like Kez Ban’s attitude, demeanor, outfit choices, voice timbre and probably anatomy covers both bases.
I mean, there’s something wrong there. She needs 30 seconds to go shoot meth and decide if she’s a woman or a man.
She made it past that apparently and gave us this.
Oh Kezzy is so sad and she’s going home. And right after she wore that awful dress.
Listen. I’m not going to lie. I was at a party with massive amounts of celebrities last night. I may have also went to space with Robert Pattinson and (like actual space and actual Robert Pattinson) and had a three-way with an alien (one that starred in Mars Attacks).
Anyway, because of my wild night— the full recap will have to come tonight (if Robert Pattinson doesn’t want to hang out again of course), but I just had to google my stuttering boo, Lazaro Arbos. He’s a little angel. And he stutters into my heart.
And I’m super glad that he found friends to form a group (or were they mean to him? Whose ass do I have to kick?), but they sucked. I’m going to call them the Excuse McExcusers AND THEY BE HATIN’ ON MY BOO!
That blonde fool needs to back up and stop throwing Lazzy under the bus. Peace out Ken Doll!
Question: Did it take Lazaro forever to ask these fools to accompany him? Because let’s be real he’s adorable and they are his back up singers. He’s the Beyonce.
Posted February 1, 2013on:
So, this happened.
I usually feel drag queens are so much prettier than me which upsets me because I’m an actual girl, but Steven Tyler is one ugly woman. Yet— him and Mariah could be twinsies.
Anyway, let’s get to me recapping about 4 contestants because I get bored with this show after the first 2.
Karl Skinner: A GINGER! I was hoping I’d have a crush on him because he’s a ginger, but I think he has some sort of syndrome. And he’s boring. And he also doesn’t know what the word “redundant” means.
Oh god– his parents are both deaf and they’re not sure if their kid is good or not BECAUSE THEY CAN’T HEAR! OH GOD!! SO SAD! Side note: he’s an adorable little asian.
He sings well. He’s in.
Halie Hiburn: She is my worst fear— a ventriloquist. SO SCARY! I mean, I thought I was a nerd and weird and had to tone it down on dates, but this chick is worse than me.
SHE’S MARRIED!? Some freaky stuff goes down with the puppet and the husband I’m sure of it. Halie gets in, Oscar, the puppet, does not. Oscar is now turning tricks on the street for a crack ball and ends up dead in a dumpster. #riposcar
Zoanette Johnson: I can already tell she’ll be best friends with Nicki Minaj.
And without missing a beat, American Idol gets super racist and blasts Lil Jon as Zoanette booty pops. PS Ryan is freakin’ short!
Girl is an Obama fan.
Beyonce wishes she sang the national anthem like that.
Anastacia Freeman: Her earrings give it away that she’s a nutjob. And the deep breaths and the fact that she fell right away is not helping.
She’s awful. Everyone is laughing at her. She asks “are ya’ll laughing at me?”
GOD TOLD HER TO AUDITION!! Did I not tell you her earrings gave away her crazy? God spoke to her and said “American Idol”. I can’t…. I’m dying. Oh she also says that Nicki Minaj worships the devil.
Kayden Stephenson: Looks 10, but is 16 he has cystic fibrosis and will die by 35. OH GOD JUST LET THE KID WIN EVERYTHING!!
He’s like a tiny Kinnicky.
He sounds like he hasn’t hit puberty, but you gotta say “yes”. He’s in.
Next week is Hollywood—- thank god! I hope American Idol doesn’t try to kill anyone like they did last year.
(Warning: short recap again because my love for Keith Urban took over. The heart wants what the heart wants)
I can’t believe this show will be on until May. It’s on February guys. That’s a long ass time of this…
Hmmm Keith. My crush is developing quite nicely. I don’t even mind his highlights too much.
Oscar digs him too!
Kang-Boo! Get it? Shit— I crack myself up.
Ok– let’s get to this.
Matheus Fernandes: Glee didn’t want him which is rude because he’s short (like very very short) so Glee is a goddamn hypocrite. He likes being short, but that’s not true.
I honestly thought he was going to be taller than Ryan Seacrest. I’m shocked.
He’s adorable. And I mean that in a totally non offensive way. He makes a joke about his height and says “bro” a lot. He’s my homie.
He’s good. And Keith is into him with his unbuttoned shirt.
Mariah fakes cry and Matheus is in.
Okay this kid is adorable. It’s a battle between the stutter and the shorty in my heart now.
She goes by her middle name which is annoying because I tried to go by my middle name for 2 weeks in 2nd grade and no one was going for it. It was a mess.
Micah Johnson: He auditioned with a song called “Chicken Fried” and has a speech impediment because he’s had his tonsils removed so I obviously needed to watch this audition.
I hope Micah sued the shit out of the doctor for messing up his vocal chords.
MARIAH IS SO F**KING RUDE! Of course she brings up her own “nerve damage” (SHUT UP!) and then she asks “is this something, that’s like, going to go away?”
And holy shit– dude can sing! He’s in. Keith loves him so much. I have so much competition for Keith’s love.
And side note: this is what Mariah’s boobs looked like. (spoiler– they looked a mess!)
He’s a big, black woman trapped in a little white boys body. He flips his hair, dances like a stripper— I need to be best friends with him ASAP.
Keith came out with the “Papa don’t PEACH!” and I laughed because I want to spend one passionate night with Keith.
Mr. Papa Peach does sound like a black woman. He’s in. (#tiebreaker? what is that shit?)
Okay I just sat and googled Keith Urban for about 20 minutes and homeboy is 45. Did you know that? He was also in rehab and sued a New Jersey painter of the same name for the rights to the URL Keithurban.com. Keith lost and his website is now Keithurban.com. #hilarious.
Anyway, because of that I need to end my American Idol recap short once again. If I missed anything, you know what to do:
1) Berate me endlessly
2) Comment below and tell me what to watch (provide the link to because I’m lazy)
3) Tweet me hate (and links to the messed up contestants!)
(Warning: This is the shortest recap ever because— well read on and you’ll find out. Ooo did I just intrigue you all?? Probably)
If Mariah Carey acts like Mariah Carey for one more second, I’m going to choke myself out with her weave.
And Oscar agrees with me.
Do you see the hate in his eyes? He’s also really pissed because he wanted her role in Precious, but that’s another story.
Okay, let’s get into this recap where I pick and choose which contestants to post because I wish I was a judge on the Supreme Court and this makes me feel powerful.
Charlie Askew: I can tell Charlie is awkward just by looking at his haircut, but I adore this little nerd.
Oh he admits he’s socially awkward right off the bat— he has some undiagnosed syndrome. I’d be his friend. His mom’s shirt is more awkward than he is. He’s like a disney princess but a boy.
He’s in and Keith Urban is looking sexy.
Paul Jolley- I thought he was hot right away, but I don’t think he’d be into the fact that I have a hoo-hah. We can still have sleep over and do facials or something.
His Grandpa is dead— that’s sad.
He’s good. He’s in. I like his teal-ish shirt and I have a feeling if him and I were BFF we’d be fighting over Keith Urban.
Chris “Mushroom” Barthel- He’s the reason why we need stronger gun control— people like this. He looks like hed snap and kill people. If you have the balls to dye your hair that color, you have the balls to kill.
Sassy gay man. The sassiest of sass. And of course he’s going to sing Adam Lambert.
He’s bad. But don’t tell him that—he’ll kill you.
Keith is on point with his adorableness tonight. His little giggles and under the breath comments— heart him.
I think I’m just going to end it there with the recaps because one, other blogs are slacking and never post videos (get on it people, how am I supposed to steal from you) and two, I really need to watch Christopher Walken on The Daily Show because Oscar is working on his Christopher Walken impression and this is just good practice for him.
“I’m gonna need more cowbell”— Oscar
PS Keith Urban was really attractive this episode, so props to his stylist and the gay who did his hair.
Oscar went Hollywood and has been seen in this year’s Oscar picks. Silver Lining Playbook?? He plays Jennifer Lawrence’s dead husband (don’t ask). Lincoln? He SHOT Lincoln. Les Mis?? His scenes were cut because he bit Anne Hathaway every time she opened her dumb mouth.
But Oscar is back for the recap of last night’s mess. I don’t even know where the auditions took place, but by the names of these people I’m seeing— I’m assuming it was down south. And that was a prejudice comment, so I apologize, but it was in Charlotte so I was right.
Here we go:
Mariah is over this girl being nervous and also over the fact that her jacket won’t button all the way.
PS Mariah is a giant bitch.
I thought Joel was going to be the only Jewish boy in North Carolina, but he has a giant wooden cross around his neck, so unless he’s a Jew for Jesus, I called that one wrong.
Joel brings up Science so even if he’s bad I like him. I also like that he got Ryan to lay down with another man.
He sucks really bad, but he has no friends and never saw a woman naked. He should lie down with Ryan some more.
His wife has cancer. Loves Keith Urban.
He’s insane, or has some sort of syndrome.
Isabel Gonzalez: Everyone shows up at her school and she swears she has no idea what’s going on. Lies. Girl, knows what’s up.
I wonder if people like her in school. She’s adorable but will be annoying in like 5 weeks when she giggles too much.
Summer Cunningham: SHIT GOES DOWN— apparently. Or so American Idol wants us to think so we keep watching.
Poor Summer— she doesn’t even matter anymore because Mariah is a bitch and Nicki Minaj hates her.
There is no doubt these two bitches hate each other but it’s too much for press for this season. And if Mariah Carey touches her weave one more time— I’m gonna knock her out.
THE WALK OUT. SO DRAMATIC!!
Black girl who sings country— shut yo mouth!
Mariah obviously hates her because she’s wears wigs Nicki. I like this chick. She’s cute.
Jesus— how long was this show?
I can’t recap the rest of this. Oscar has to go run lines with Ryan Gosling for Fifty Shades of Grey and I need to get to work.
American Idol is the longest show ever and my recaps are the shortest ever. Sorry about that. I didn’t realize Ryan Seacrest could have gestated a baby during the length of last night’s episode.
American Idol is on again tonight for another 4 hours tonight (probably) and Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj will fight and AI producers will leave us in cliffhangers for commercial breaks.
I literally just recapped all future episodes in that run-on sentence above. you’re welcome.
Posted January 18, 2013on:
I’m just going to keep reusing that title because you and I both know that I’ll never come up with anything truer/funnier.
Anyway, second day of auditions and I’ve already failed you. I’ve missed things from yesterday. Why did no one tell me about this fool?
He looks like Kennan Thompson, and he looks like he would have been great to make fun of him.
Also, when did this year—-
Seeing Mariah fall is always funny because she’s a crazy person… and Mariah Carey.
So since I missed all that— let’s miss some more of the Chicago auditions as I haphazardly pick and choose who to post about.
Kevin Nabity: He’s apparently a ninja.
Oh he’s bad dancer and really into the Ninja Turtles.
This guy isn’t even a good martial artist—- and he’s never had sex.
He’s singing the “Chinese Chickity Chicken” song or whatever it’s called.
Even the ninja turtles wouldn’t take him. He’s out.
Josh Holiday: Girls already want to sleep with him.
God has failed him because he hasn’t been placed in a boy band yet.
Gabe Brown: Gabe Brown brought snacks. Cookies to exact so he wins in my book.
He’s literally just yelling so I just want him to bring me cookies and leave.
He’s in. And just to note: It’s about time AI has a woman on the panel who has some goddamn idea of what she’s talking about aka Nicki Minaj.
Curtis Finch Jr: He loves Jesus a lot I can already tell just from his intro.
He’s going to be the token black guy who “brings it to church” and doesn’t quite know that he’s gay.
Oh he’s signing about God. He’s obviously in— I’m not going to watch the rest of this. His gingham shirt is giving me a headache. And so is his voice.
Ms. Bush: *whispers* she dresses like I did when I was in 3rd grade minus the camel toe. She has a camel toe.
She has some sort of syndrome, so I’m not going to make fun of her too much.
I think her singing is worse than her camel toe.
This girl is adorable right off the bat and she sings with Keith Urban, which like I said I was going mention, I’m sexually attracted to him, so good call.
Mariah needs to put on more makeup and stop trying to bring up her “All I Want For Christmas Is You” song because this is the 2nd time she did it.
Isabella is my girl.
Stephanie Schimel: Her hair it totally natural.
This girl bores me. Her crazy face made me think she was going to be amazingly crazy. I agree with Nicki. I think I should start wearing hot pink lipstick.
Johnny Keyser: He’s apparently back for a second time, and he looks like a zombie with a meth problem.
Oh he can sing, but I still stick by my meth comment. THat could be exciting when he’s in Hollywood week– tweaking out and all. Good television.
WAIT WAIT WAIT! I found Kenny’s meth deals— Kez Ban:
Is Kez Ban a man or woman? Seriously can not tell. I also can not tell if this shman is on heroin or meth.
Her teeth look great, must be from blowing up all those balloon animals. Rubber isn’t good for the teeth.
Shockingly, she’s not too bad. Thank god she’s going to Hollywood. Her and Kenny and tweak out together.
They’re this season’s love story!!! YESSSS!
And last, but certainly not least Lazaro Arbos: I heart this man and I want him to stutter sweet nothings to me all day. I want to be his friend.
Can Mariah be more of a bitch “tell me about the way you speak— is that something you’re working on orrr…?” Yeah ya dumb bitch he’s working on speaking without a stutter. Do you think he chooses to take 3 minutes to say Florida. I hope he stutters out the word asshole to Mariah.
Anyway, I love him. I want to be his boo. The best part of our relationship is I wouldn’t have to talk to the in-laws because they speak Spanish and my Spanish is super shitty, and I will always have the last word.
But seriously— this kid is adorable, and so sweet, so courageous, and has a great freakin’ bow tie. HEART HIM.
Oh and he’s a good singer.
Side note: I first watched his audition last night as I was folding laundry and then I ended up sitting in a pile of clothes weeping. True story. I mean, Lazaro— come comfort me with your teal shirt, you stud.
OH THE TEARS. THE SWEATY TEARS!! I LOVE HIM.
Let’s just hashtag Lazaro forever #lazaro.
PS I hope he doesn’t really love Mariah Carey— that will affect our relationship.
Well, I’m ending it there because #lazaro is my boo and I don’t want to listen to anything else.
Join The Revolution next week for some more ” I Can’t Believe This F**ckin’ Show Is Still On” recap with hopefully a new name.
Posted January 17, 2013on:
What season is this show in? 17? My god it’s like that goddamn America’s Next Top Model with their 27 cycles even though it’s only been on since 2002.
Welcome to the new version of American Idol Live-ish Blog that is certainly not even “live-ish”, because 1) Rocco still ain’t got no TV/cable (yet I manage to watch Honey Boo Boo and therefore talk like her) and 2) Mariah Carey ruins everything.
Seriously, you wouldn’t want me to live blog AI this season because it would be full of me bashing Mariah, wondering how Ryan hasn’t come out of the closet, investigating how Randy hasn’t been tossed from this shit show, picking fun color names for Nicki Minaj’s hair and once in a while throwing in how I’m slightly sexually attracted to that country man, Keith Urban. All bad news.
So, what you got is this awesome recap (suck it Entertainment Weekly!) where I literally go to other blogs, judge the photos of the contestants that are posted and discuss those people. It’s America and I can do that. Enjoy!:
Gurpreet Sarin: First, it took me 3 minutes to spell his name even though it’s right in front of me so that’s obnoxious. BUT THEN— his purple head wrap and purple plaid walked into the frame and I was hooked. I of course was going to immediately nickname him, but that would have been racist so we are going to call him Gurp! and not something rude like The Turbonator BECAUSE AMERICAN IDOL IS F**CKING RACIST!!
Mariah likes his lavender. He has a lot of turbans and American Idol is profiling him like he’s a terrorist with their graphics. MY GOD HOW DOES THIS SHOW STILL EXIST.
I’m going to say what everyone is saying– you almost wish he would actually shoot anybody on this show because it’s the worst (and I can say that because no one in this country can have a serious talk about gun control because the NRA are psychos).
Anyway, he’s good and Randy of course asks him to sing Indian/Arabic stuff because THIS SHOW IS RACIST! Keith Urban has never seen a turban before. He’s in.
Angela Miller: I can spell her name with my eyes close.
She’s deaf, but talks like a pro and Mariah Carey states the obvious about how to hear music and sing you need your ears. Mariah is a goddamn idiot.
Angela Miller is good– she’s in. (PS I really like her hair, so I’ll obviously hate her out of jealousy in a few weeks).
Homegirl works in a blueberry farm and raps and they label her as a “student/farmer”.
I mean, she’s good but I’m not insane over her— I just want some blueberries and Keith Urban to tell me he’s not sure who I am yet.
Nicki is super opinionated– I can’t believe it. But I can believe she wants to punch Mariah.
Uh-Oh! White guy with guitar? Do I see a peek-a-boo of chest hair? I obviously want to make out with him. He looks nervous in that photo so Nigel Lythgoe obviously threatened him that if he seduces middle-aged women across America with his white-ness and guitar-ness he will let Mariah drink his blood.
OH GOD HE HAS ONE LEG! AND HE TAP DANCES!? My life is pointless because I have two legs and can’t even walk in a straight line. People like him make me feel really bad about myself.
I like his pink shorts, hate his song choice.
He didn’t make it which is sad—-American Idol is so rude.
James Bae: He’s your token Asian— and he’s a star.
This poor guy has no friends, but he’s singing one of my fave Justin Bieber songs and by singing I mean talking off-key.
I stopped paying attention and began to wonder if Nicki Minaj really voted for Mitt Romney. Remember that? That was silly.
Nicki and Mariah are yapping at each other and this dude comes in stomping the yard? I’m so confused.
I wish he didn’t introduce himself like that, and I wish he didn’t have that goatee because it’s really douchey.
I’m not even going to watch this whole thing because—- well because he’s dumb.
Well–it’s over. Wait— it’s over? That’s all that happened. Wasn’t this a 5 hour premiere special? What else went on during this show? Did Ryan try on wedding dresses?
I’m going to need Revolution-ers to send me anything I missed (i.e hilariously bad people and/or hot guys)— comment below or stalk me via Twitter (@RoccosRev) because you know the “American Idol ‘I Can’t Believe This F**ckin’ Show Is Still On’ Blog” wouldn’t exist without you!
I’ll see ya hear Friday morning for the more of the same old nonsense that is like a drug to all of us. We are all essentially meth heads.
The stuttering guy in the bow tie?? My new boyfriend. DONE!