Posts Tagged ‘reality competition’
American Idol: F**K A DUCK! (Clearly That Is The Title For Every Idol Recap)
Posted on: January 26, 2011
(this post is obnoxiously long.. I’m sorry for that. Go get some green tea and cuddle up to this one. Or just don’t read it. Actually, can you please??)
Once again.. you know where to go to get some video and such (but my recap is waaaaay better) MJS ….RICKEY ….TOP IDOL
Alrighty people… I was so ready for tonight’s Idol.
I had some Reese’sPieces and was armed with some great facial expressions from Steven Tyler (thanks to TatisR!!… YOU GO GIRL!!) so this might have been the best night of my life.
This is the first time I watched it from the very beginning… I hoped Steven Tyler would have his meltdown tonight, but sadly it didn’t happen.
This is just a taste of what's to come below
I started off watching The Simpsons (wanted to make sure my link to the stream was working) and that show is dumb. The last time I watched this I was in college pretending to like it, to impress a boy. Needless to say, he’s not my current boyfriend. And yes, our disagreement over the hilarity of The Simpsons was the reason it didn’t work out. He clearly was immature. And I totally hope he’s reading this because that means he’s stalking me via Facebook.
I’m gonna type this as it goes… this is my version of live blogging. I’m just gonna type whatever I want. Kinda like how Steven Tyler says whatever he wants. Look at that… he’s influencing me already.
I’m a little annoyed this is 2 hours and I’m very annoyed it’s in Wisconsin. I don’t know why… I just feel the train wreck coming.
The opening is new??? When did that happen?
OHHH WISCONSIN DON’TCHA KNOW!? I instantly want some cheese right now.
OMG there’s that crazy man Danny who had that creepy ass Christmas album cover.
come hither
Scottie McCreery:
First thing I notice is that giant cross necklace. And shocking he’s from North Carolina. He’s a cowboy. And he sings country music. Again, shocking. He sounds like he has a frog in his throat. I can’t take this. I hate country music. Jennifer Lopez turned country with that “you make me smile” comment. SELENA IS SPANISH!!
I bet you $95649898 he drives a pickup truck. Did Steven Tyler just say F**k a duck”??? I don’t even know what that means… but I’m guessing it’s a southern thing.
Steven Tyler feels great and like he’s on a jungle gym because he’s on drugs. Probably something on the black market.
Joe Should Not Wear Horizontal Stripes:
Ryan Seacrest needs to stop showing off. And Joe doesn’t want to get a manicure with you. Joe has a child molester mustache. They shouldn’t let him on this show if there are going to be 15 year olds on this year. Wow… he’s creepy. Oh look… he’s wearing Jesus joggers. Is Wisconsin in the bible belt or something?? He definitely looks like he can be on radio (oh I’m such a bitch), I hope he can sing.
Grandma is tone deaf and so is horizontal stripes. This is how I feel.
Yes, keep singing horizontal stripe man. I want to stab my ears. So long Joe!
Ebba Henry: (I think her name is Emma… but I like Ebba better)
Well, her hair is memorable. She looks like a skunk. A punked out skunk. I hear country in the background and if she sings country, I’m gonna kill myself. I can’t take 2 hours of country music. I heart Kelly Clarkson. Just wanted to say that.
Oh Oprah… Steven Tyler is flirting. I like her!! She’s weird… but not as weird as Talk Real Slow Magnus (I can’t even be bothered to type out her first name… I can never spell it ). Plus, she doesn’t scream… I like her tone. She sounds like she has a little phlegm, but I like it. My fake vote goes to Ebba.
Jennifer Lopez SUCKS!! Me and Steven should hang out more…. He’s my Simon Cowell this season.
I usually hate when people cry, but I like this girl. She’s a kid. Give her a chance.
Best talent show ever??? Let’s take it easy there dawg. I wouldn’t go that far.
This is taking too long…. I almost stopped caring.
YESSSSS 1st Steven Tyler scream of the season (that I heard).
YEAAAAAH
Jennifer Lopez is a BITCH! Selena Y Los Dinos needs to take it down a notch… not everyone can be as fabulous as you… I mean Maid In Manhattan … come on.
TAL-ENT!
Love the montage of the awful people. Juanita is insane and why do the gay men insist on singing Lady Gaga?? Just because she’s your queen doesn’t mean you can sing her songs.
Naimah whose last name I can’t spell:
She’s like the black, urban Crystal Bowersox (and I just say this because of the dred locks… I judge). I pray to Oprah she has a dancing baby too. OMG!! SHE DOES!
She'll adopt me!! Screw you Lee D.
I really should win an award for this… I’m not really sure what I just did… but it felt magical in my heart.
Okay, she’s better than Crystal Bowersox…. and she wears better jewelery. Minus that shark tooth necklace… are you a 22-year-old bro from So Cal??
Unless she breaks up with her boyfriend and then marries someone right away, I’m bored with her already.
Yawn!
(I have a feeling I’m going to be using this one a lot tonight)
HAHHAHAHAH That man landing on the camera guy is the best part of the show!!!!
Jerome Bell:
I have a crush on him already. But let’s be real… being a smooth talking, charmed smile, black man gets you know where in this competition. And don’t even pretend being an awesome singer like him is gonna get him anywhere.
I give him until the top 10… but after that Middle America get’s really into it and he’s done. It’s a shame because I feel like I could make up some great stories about him on this thing.
JUSTIN BIEBER!!!! MY ANGEL MUFFIN!! 2nd favorite part of this show right there! (That flip landing on the camera man is hard to top)
Bring in the swoop bang wannabes.
Adorable children warm my heart… but they should tell that little girl with the fro she sucks. She was awful. She should learn to color in the lines first.
But she was so freakin’ cute. I’m glad I kinda have a fro, so my child can run around with one as a toddler.
Thia Miega:
She knows there will be no season 11, so this was her last chance was what she meant by all that I rushed to audition because I’m so excited nonsense.
Why is that child watching television before she can read?? She should be reading a GD book! Bad parenting. We have a stage mom in the midst.
I’m very concerned if she is literate or not, but she’s a great singer. Someone can just tell her the lyrics… so if she can’t read it’s cool.
Steven Tyler just spoke gibberish. That just happened.
What did I just say??
Civil War guy:
I HATE CIVIL WAR REENACTORS! The war is over!! I thought the boy scouts were nerdy… this just takes it to a whole new level.
Ryan Seacrest has no idea what the Civil War is and just shit his pants in that gun scene.
HIPPIES BELIEVE IN SEX?!?!? This guy has never seen a woman naked .
If you don’t believe in sex why are you singing this song?? It reminds me of sex (Ace Ventura anybody???)
Abraham Lincoln would have shot himself if he heard this guy sing.
Mason Wilkinson:
I can’t. I just can’t. He kinda looks like a serial killer… I’m not gonna make fun of him.
Molly DeWolf (she has another last name… but that’s stupid)
She works at the White House??? She’s my hero. I love Obama too!!!
Randy already punched her in the face. Domestic violence is happening in the AI house. They have it on video. Arrest the dawg! Why is this episode so violent???
I like her. If she could sing the health care bill to the Republicans, they may be down with it. STAMP!
Randy is over this woman being educated. He’s like “you’re hot and you’re a singer… why aren’t you stripping?? Get out of Harvard!”
Oh Oprah… 1st hour is done and I’m exhausted. There was violence and there was a Civil War nerd.
I’ll be back for hour 2 in another post. This is too long and it’s like a college thesis.
-Rocco
Okay… I think it’s been established that I don’t really give a shit about the contestants so far this season of American Idol. Give me about a month and I’m sure madly in love or hate with someone and then the fun will really begin. That’s the way it works.
(Does it start tonight?? I don’t even know if that’s true.I hope it’s true….it’s like a first day on a new job)
What I really care about right now at this moment is the twinsie-ness of Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez. I proved that they wear the same glasses yesterday…. and now they both wear leopard print things.
I don’t even know what he’s rambling about… and I don’t really care. But I did catch something about him loving Oprah and how he has a shrine to her (I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant) and about him being crazy. He also said the same joke about the “F**K NO! there’s no 5 second delay”. You can’t re-use jokes Steven Tyler…. only I can recycle jokes because mine are so funny.
HE HAS A BOOK COMING OUT?!??!!? Never wanted anything more in my life.
I guess I paid attention more than I thought. I just don’t give myself enough credit sometimes. Anyway… that shirt distracted me so much. I just have so many questions about it like, where did he get it?? How much was it?? Did he really borrow that from J Lo??
It was probably fashioned from this exact dress….
- Did you take my dress Steven?
Steven Tyler, Jimmy Fallon and some other fella performed “Walked This Way” and I remembered that Steven Tyler is actually a musician. I forget these things when I see him next to J Lo. I just think he’s her sister/doppelgänger.
-Rocco
American Idol Has STDs
Posted on: January 16, 2011
Okay…. it’s been established that I am only watching Idol this season to make fun of Jennifer Lopez on a weekly basis, watch Steven Tyler have a meltdown (like a physical and mental breakdown on television) and to see Ry Ry Seacrest’s smile of course. Every time he flashes that smile a baby is conceived. It’s really a beautiful thing.
You're welcome woman who has been trying to get pregnant for months.
But then I see pictures of contestants who are on the show already because Nigel Lythgoe doesn’t know how to keep a goddamn secret and leaks these things himself, and it makes me question my excitement.
These are some of my favorite contestants, some of who I’m sure got rejected from the Jersey Shore house because they were 1) too obnoxious and 2) too douchebag-y (and yes, that’s totally a word)
And plus, they were the only pictures that the other blogs had.
Tool #1:
Jovany Barreto
Now, there are always a few contestants I could care less about, but I never want to physically punch them in the face. This has changed after seeing this winner above. Ummmm?? Why is he doing that?? Is this his headshot?? I’ve never wanted to punch anybody more and I never hit anybody in my life. He clearly tried to get on the cast of Jersey Shore, but even MTV didn’t want this fool. I can smell the STD on him…. and I’m not too sure you can physically smell STDs. I hope he knows that he can’t really sing and perform techno music every week. I wonder if he plays an instrument?? I will pee my pants if he whips out an acoustic guitar and sings like Howie Day or something.
Tool #2:
This chick is clearly going to be tool bag’s girlfriend and I can NOT wait to make up stories about their love affair this season.
Jessica Cunningham
Once again… this is the only picture she could have submitted?? What happened to the good old classic black & white headshot?? This is clearly a ploy to get the male population to watch the show with this little vixen. I’m going to take a wild guess and say she isn’t that great of a singer.
These are tools #3-7 whose names I can’t bother to look up because I’m a little behind on the AI spoilers that apparently my blogger peers have been following. One girl looks like a very skinny, possibly drug addicted version of Crystal Bowersox, one guy is wearing silly bands, the black guy with the nice smile is happy to be there and can probably sing, but that won’t get him very far on the show, and the other guy just looks goofy and I wish he wasn’t wearing those plaid, green shorts.
Oh American Idol… this is hilarious.
There is a list of about 28 people floating around and there are definitely more chicks than dudes on that list… I’m going to say Idol is trying for a female winner. Let’s give it too them, so maybe they will just stop with this charade.
On to my favorite contestant…. Jacee Chipcoon Badeaux. I don’t even know how to pronounce his name but he’s from Baton Rouge (and that goes along with the Southern people always winning and plus he won Baton Rouge Idol. WINNER!) and he looks like a nice kid without an STD.
I'd like to sing about how I don't have an STD y'all
He looks 12, but at least he doesn’t look like he tried to sleep with a producer to get on the show. Plus, his last name sounds French and I totally need to learn another language… Oui Oui???
JACEE CHIPCOON BADEAUX FOR THE WIN!!! (I hope he is good)
Oh Oprah… I’m already exhausted from this season and I’m like a month behind with all these spoilers. Give me strength to continue on and be nice to these “talented musicians”.
When does X Factor start??? I miss Simon Cowell. He’d make STD jokes with me.
-Rocco
- In: American Idol | Music
- 2 Comments
I used to really be into Blake Lewis… I even bought his album Audio Day Dream, or whatever it was called. There were a few really good pop songs on that thing.
But lately he just complains about American Idol contestants… continues to watch American Idol and complain about contestants, get hired to complain about American Idol and it’s contestants…. and make weird beat boxing videos that make me dizzy.
I guess the whole point of him doing this is to prove he can still make fun noises with his mouth and how to use some app for MacBook Pro. Mission accomplished baby!
And his friend needs a haircut STAT!
-Rocco
PS I’m going to categorize him into the American Idol chapter on this blog just to piss him off.
Wow. I take back all the mean things I’ve ever said about Nigel Lythgoe and is inability to produce anything…. hiring Steven Tyler may have been the smartest move. EVER.
This guy is a bloggers dream. He just has word vomit everyday of his life!
Do I look like Jennifer Lopez from this angle??
This is what cray cray had to say about Paula Abdul and her dance show:
“I haven’t watched it … I just wish her luck. The world took the piss out of her for nodding out, something I’m not unfamiliar with. I guess she had problems with substances. Uh, I don’t know. She’s a real character and she’s great. She’s an artist. People are gonna look to see what she’s got going next. I wish her luck.”
Is he on drugs now??? Why would you say on a national stage that someone has a drug problem??
And more importantly why would Steven Tyler say that?? Hasn’t he been to rehab??
Oh man…this guy is a loose cannon… he is probably going to punch someone during this season.
And on this whole Paula Abdul show, Live to Dance…. I hear it’s great. I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard people fall and old people are dancing. And ironically, the old people were not the ones falling.
-Rocco
There is some sort of conference between the people of American Idol and the Television Critics Association happening and I am a little annoyed that my invitation got lost in the mail. But luckily for me, someone is tweeting the deets, and even luckier of me is someone posted them on a website because Twitter is not functioning for me today, and I don’t even think that incorrect physics whale has anything to do with it. (That’s what I renamed that whale by the way… I know it doesn’t have the rhyme scheme going… but physics law is way more important than a rhyme pattern)
Anyway… in these tweets I found reasons why American Idol and it’s people have lost their minds.
They are pumping something through the vents
1) @RealityBlurred: “Idol hair update: Steven Tyler, J Lo’s hair considerably different today, making it easier to tell them apart.”
- That’s not funny if they don’t look like twinsies. I want to be utterly confused the whole time. I don’t even want to hear the contestants sing, because I want to be debating which wax looking person is J Lo and which is Steven Tyler.
You could blindfold me, spin them around and I would have no idea who was who
2)@RealityBlurred: “Jennifer Lopez: “We’re artists,” explaining how the American Idol judge panel is different without Simon Cowell”
- BURN!!! Don’t talk that way about my future boss who treats me bad and doesn’t pay me well…. I love him. And J Lo…. I’d take it down a notch with calling oneself an artist. Date Puff Daddy again and then maybe you can churn out some good music.
3)@Sepinwall: “Lythgoe on diff btw Simon & JLo/Tyler: “I think they bring more of a critique rather than just ‘Pack your suitcase, you’re going home.’”
- The average american doesn’t care about an actual critique…they want to hear Simon Cowell call someone a bush baby.
4)@RealityBlurred: “Ryan Seacrest finally talks, says the secret to his face is “placenta,” which he then repeated.”
- I don’t even know why someone would have asked him about his face and the involvement of babies. He probably drinks baby urine too.
Maybe if I dance around he'll think I'm auditioning and interview me, instead of asking me to pee in a cup
5) @Sepinwall: “Steven Tyler explaining he wanted to work w/JLo b/c of how great she was in “The Back-Up Plan.” Seriously. This was said.”
- If this doesn’t explain that Steven Tyler is either the twin of Jennifer Lopez and/or hopped on some sort of hard core drug that is known as ‘bad shit’ even on the illegal black market….. I just don’t know what else would.
YEAAAAAH! I LIKE YOUR STUFFF!
I don’t know what this press interview was supposed to do. It probably was supposed to make us want to watch American Idol…. but now I’m really just concerned for Steven Tyler/J Lo’s health and those babies that Ryan Seacrest is referring too.
-Rocco
Prince Poppycock Is Back Baby!!
Posted on: December 26, 2010
America’s Got Talent is not a show I normally watch… but this year Prince Poppycock caught my attention and my heart.
I mean when a man is that much prettier than you… you can’t help but be intrigued. Not that I run around in Victorian makeup like Mr. Poppycock above… but if I did… he would be way prettier. Not everyone could pull off pink glitter on the eyelids like that.
I know Christmas is over, so this song is moot at this point… but tuck it away (just like Prince Poppycock does) and save it for next year.
And, I don’t know about you but when I think of Christmas and the holidays, I think of a drag queens and lots of lace and glitter, not a little cherub child with the voice of an angel.
But maybe my Christmas’ are just weird???
Did Prince Poppycock not win this past season?? I don’t even know. I think that little robot NON lip- syncher Jackie Evancho did. But comparing those two is unfair…. poor little girl doesn’t even know what a drag queen is.
I fact checked and they both suck. Michael Grimm won. He definitely slept with someone to beat those two gems above.
-Rocco
