Rocco's Pop Revolution: Seen through the eyes of someone living it

Who is Faye Resnick? And what is a “huge D”?? These are questions that are plaguing my brain and thankfully good friend and fellow Revolution-er, Steve Ferezy, will be answering all those questions and more. (You can follow Steve on Twitter AND check out his bloggy blog!)

Steve kindly recapped the Real Housewives of Some Location Where Plastic Surgery is Prominent below, and I commented in RED because I’m listening to Taylor Swift and I have no idea what’s going on during this show. How are these women on television and I’m not? It really makes me question my life.

Hi Revolutionaries! (He means Revolution-ers. Forgive him)

Thanks for welcoming me to this blog space to provide a wrap up of last night’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Finale and Reunion Part 1.

First of all, Brava (yes, Brava because let’s be real…) is NAILING IT with the back to back deliverance. Keep that up ruull quick! (BRAVA! HAH GET IT? Andy Cohen can’t sue us now)

Starting with the finale, the entire episode takes place at Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd’s “Vow Renewal Party.”  (Was Jiggy or Giggy or whatever the hell that dog’s name is there?)They are perfect and the entire time I was planning my “Vow Drafting Party.”  (I don’t know what that is– should I know? For the first time in my life I said out loud “are those what the kids are saying these day?”).I applaud this episode for not cutting RIGHT to where we left off last week and taking a few minutes to bask in the glory of Lisa’s perky breasts (we will get there), Ken’s glittering blazer (we will also get there), and Pandora’s glorious curves, fashions, and shoes.

(FAKE PEARLS! Or so I’m told– I definitely placed photos in the wrong order but just go with it so Steve won’t yell a)

Cut to the dramz. We see Marisa Zanuck sporting some braids and some questionably authentic pearls going back and forth with the ladies about Faye. I tweeted Marisa to call her out on her braids and “pearls” because I think I like her and want her to know that she needs to step it up. This was misconstrued as a compliment…or I was drunk.

(This happened– I saw this with my own eyes. I was supposed to post a screen cap that Steve sent me via text but it’s on my phone and it’s 2AM so I’m not plugging anything into this computer right now. STEVE DRUNK TWEETED MARISA!)

Anyway, the ladies all reconvene and they are gunning for Faye. BECAUSE SHE IS THE WORST! (I don’t even know this bitch but she is the worst) She is wearing an ALL LACE sea foam/aquamarine/teal “dress” (that was the EXACT same color as Brandi’s friend Jennifer’s. #colorstory) and kept trying to convince everyone that Brandi is the scum of the earth, when ACTUALLY she is on excellent behavior at Lisa’s party. Until she told Faye she had a “huge dick.” I don’t know about you, but at MY party, we rewound this part -tens of times. (“huge D” stands for “huge dick”– Steve you can say “dick” in the headlines on The Revolution FYI. I expect the word “dick” in the next guest blog post)

Enter Yolanda. Yolanda is a down chick. Period. As coined by my dear friend, Broadway’s Natalie Joy Johnson, she “spills the T!” meaning, she is the teller of truths. She will stand up for ANYONE as long as they are in the right which we have NEVER seen in any of the Housewife series. My favorite thing about this strong, tan, blond from Holland is when she gets so passionate and/or flustered that she starts to Ricky Ricardo and combine idioms, or just say the wrong thing i.e. “Faye, all you do is steer the pot!” Yolanda. Gets. It. (Yolanda sounds like someone who would be “the help”. I like that she’s not, and she’s another ridiculous woman on this show. Very ironic, Andy Cohen.)

Shifting slightly, the Malloof/Nassif separation was announced and confirmed the same day as Lisa’s party. No on expected Adrienne to attend, understandably. And then, like Mama Rose, entering from the back of the house to downstage center, enter Adrienne Maloof. Upon entering, the ladies flock like fruit flies and Kyle immediately starts sobbing. I like Kyle, but this season has shown to be really hard on her and her pantone (look it UP) may be fading. (Maloof is NOT a real name)

Anyway, Adrienne explains that it’s just time for it to end…blah, blah, blah and proceeds to leave the party. It is at this moment that I realize she is wearing a beautiful, black romper. Now, I cannot verify what I am about to say, but I’m pretty sure that the women all share a singular romper. Just one. My friend Sherz, who joined Natalie and I last night, suggested that Adrienne owns 2% of the traveling romper…just like The Palms…

WE ARE THE 2%!!!!!!!!!!!! (What? Are they doing math? I’m so freakin’ lost)

Upon her exit, we cut to Brandi and Lisa, both absent from the couch scene, emerging from Lisa’s sit-in closet with glasses of rosé. Clearly, this I where she stashed the good stuff. Nailing it. Rosé in a closet…sounds like my Freshman year or undergrad. They have their moment about Adrienne’s arrival and we cut to commercial.

(Wait?? This is all happening on the reunion couches. I feel like I’m on an acid trip.)

The episode quickly wraps up with the lovely vow readings. Ken’s blazer is a glittering shrine and Lisa’s tits are NAILING IT, bless her heart. I mean, this woman’s chest is so impressive! And I bat for a distinctly different team. A true winner in every sense of the word.

Cue the cake topped with EDIBLE SILVER! I can’t. (EDIBLE SILVER?!? Are you sure it wasn’t Jiggy/Giggy cut up and pureed? I just grossed myself out– sorry)

We are diving immediately into this reunion. So the first thing that strained my eyes was Taylor’s hair. “What color IS it?” you may ask. The answer is STRAW. TAYLOR ARMSTRONG’S HAIR IS STRAW COLORED! (That sounds so rude)

Thing number 2 were Lisa’s kicks. I mean, ‘nuff said.

(#intenseheels)

Thing number 3 was Kim Richards’ dress. An A-line, all lace, pink, Betsy Johnson for Kmart number. Woof.

(She’s obviously ashamed of this dress as well)

Thing number 4: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CAMILLE?!?!?! We knew Adrienne was not coming, but it took a minute to realize why the room felt like it was missing a piece. To this second, I still have no idea where she is. If found, please comment. (Rehab??? Or is just Kim hitting the bottle? Plotting Kelsey Grammer’s murder? YES!)

Part 1 was actually pretty tame. Sure, we touched the Kim’s alcoholism button, but I don’t think it has been pressed. Sure, Brandi mouthed off about Adrienne not being there. Fine. All manageable, standard reunion behavior until the ladies started ganging up on Yolanda. YOLANDA! Spiller of ALL THE T!!!!! It was loud and it was fast. The fight was essentially that she is more two-faced than she claims…aka they realized she spills T all day long and that needs to end. Immediately. My favorite part of this squabble is when Kim Richards feels the Holy Spirit…or thinks she is Whitney Houston…

(I can’t find the picture that Steve wanted me to post here… or I just don’t understand his instructions. I thought this charming picture of Harry Styles would suffice.)

The episode ends abruptly with this fire spitting contest.

I look forward to next week where (I’m sure) Faye and/or Marisa will show up, the MEN have their 15 minutes, and we get to the juicy stuff. (CAMILLE BETTER SHOW UP!)

Thanks for reading, Revolutionaries! (Again Revolution-ers)I hope Rocco will have me back next week for Part 2! (Duh, of course— but I’m not paying you)

Oh…and Atlanta reunion is around the corner…just sayin’… (Not to be racist— but they’re the best because they are really loud)

YOU GUYS! Steve will be back (again, unpaid), so you get your swoop on and follow him on Twitter and check out his blog to get familiar!

-Rocco