Posts Tagged ‘reality television’
Who is Faye Resnick? And what is a “huge D”?? These are questions that are plaguing my brain and thankfully good friend and fellow Revolution-er, Steve Ferezy, will be answering all those questions and more. (You can follow Steve on Twitter AND check out his bloggy blog!)
Steve kindly recapped the Real Housewives of Some Location Where Plastic Surgery is Prominent below, and I commented in RED because I’m listening to Taylor Swift and I have no idea what’s going on during this show. How are these women on television and I’m not? It really makes me question my life.
Hi Revolutionaries! (He means Revolution-ers. Forgive him)
Thanks for welcoming me to this blog space to provide a wrap up of last night’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Finale and Reunion Part 1.
First of all, Brava (yes, Brava because let’s be real…) is NAILING IT with the back to back deliverance. Keep that up ruull quick! (BRAVA! HAH GET IT? Andy Cohen can’t sue us now)
Starting with the finale, the entire episode takes place at Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd’s “Vow Renewal Party.” (Was Jiggy or Giggy or whatever the hell that dog’s name is there?)They are perfect and the entire time I was planning my “Vow Drafting Party.” (I don’t know what that is– should I know? For the first time in my life I said out loud “are those what the kids are saying these day?”).I applaud this episode for not cutting RIGHT to where we left off last week and taking a few minutes to bask in the glory of Lisa’s perky breasts (we will get there), Ken’s glittering blazer (we will also get there), and Pandora’s glorious curves, fashions, and shoes.
(FAKE PEARLS! Or so I’m told– I definitely placed photos in the wrong order but just go with it so Steve won’t yell a)
Cut to the dramz. We see Marisa Zanuck sporting some braids and some questionably authentic pearls going back and forth with the ladies about Faye. I tweeted Marisa to call her out on her braids and “pearls” because I think I like her and want her to know that she needs to step it up. This was misconstrued as a compliment…or I was drunk.
(This happened– I saw this with my own eyes. I was supposed to post a screen cap that Steve sent me via text but it’s on my phone and it’s 2AM so I’m not plugging anything into this computer right now. STEVE DRUNK TWEETED MARISA!)
Anyway, the ladies all reconvene and they are gunning for Faye. BECAUSE SHE IS THE WORST! (I don’t even know this bitch but she is the worst) She is wearing an ALL LACE sea foam/aquamarine/teal “dress” (that was the EXACT same color as Brandi’s friend Jennifer’s. #colorstory) and kept trying to convince everyone that Brandi is the scum of the earth, when ACTUALLY she is on excellent behavior at Lisa’s party. Until she told Faye she had a “huge dick.” I don’t know about you, but at MY party, we rewound this part -tens of times. (“huge D” stands for “huge dick”– Steve you can say “dick” in the headlines on The Revolution FYI. I expect the word “dick” in the next guest blog post)
Enter Yolanda. Yolanda is a down chick. Period. As coined by my dear friend, Broadway’s Natalie Joy Johnson, she “spills the T!” meaning, she is the teller of truths. She will stand up for ANYONE as long as they are in the right which we have NEVER seen in any of the Housewife series. My favorite thing about this strong, tan, blond from Holland is when she gets so passionate and/or flustered that she starts to Ricky Ricardo and combine idioms, or just say the wrong thing i.e. “Faye, all you do is steer the pot!” Yolanda. Gets. It. (Yolanda sounds like someone who would be “the help”. I like that she’s not, and she’s another ridiculous woman on this show. Very ironic, Andy Cohen.)
Shifting slightly, the Malloof/Nassif separation was announced and confirmed the same day as Lisa’s party. No on expected Adrienne to attend, understandably. And then, like Mama Rose, entering from the back of the house to downstage center, enter Adrienne Maloof. Upon entering, the ladies flock like fruit flies and Kyle immediately starts sobbing. I like Kyle, but this season has shown to be really hard on her and her pantone (look it UP) may be fading. (Maloof is NOT a real name)
Anyway, Adrienne explains that it’s just time for it to end…blah, blah, blah and proceeds to leave the party. It is at this moment that I realize she is wearing a beautiful, black romper. Now, I cannot verify what I am about to say, but I’m pretty sure that the women all share a singular romper. Just one. My friend Sherz, who joined Natalie and I last night, suggested that Adrienne owns 2% of the traveling romper…just like The Palms…
WE ARE THE 2%!!!!!!!!!!!! (What? Are they doing math? I’m so freakin’ lost)
Upon her exit, we cut to Brandi and Lisa, both absent from the couch scene, emerging from Lisa’s sit-in closet with glasses of rosé. Clearly, this I where she stashed the good stuff. Nailing it. Rosé in a closet…sounds like my Freshman year or undergrad. They have their moment about Adrienne’s arrival and we cut to commercial.
(Wait?? This is all happening on the reunion couches. I feel like I’m on an acid trip.)
The episode quickly wraps up with the lovely vow readings. Ken’s blazer is a glittering shrine and Lisa’s tits are NAILING IT, bless her heart. I mean, this woman’s chest is so impressive! And I bat for a distinctly different team. A true winner in every sense of the word.
Cue the cake topped with EDIBLE SILVER! I can’t. (EDIBLE SILVER?!? Are you sure it wasn’t Jiggy/Giggy cut up and pureed? I just grossed myself out– sorry)
We are diving immediately into this reunion. So the first thing that strained my eyes was Taylor’s hair. “What color IS it?” you may ask. The answer is STRAW. TAYLOR ARMSTRONG’S HAIR IS STRAW COLORED! (That sounds so rude)
Thing number 2 were Lisa’s kicks. I mean, ‘nuff said.
Thing number 3 was Kim Richards’ dress. An A-line, all lace, pink, Betsy Johnson for Kmart number. Woof.
(She’s obviously ashamed of this dress as well)
Thing number 4: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CAMILLE?!?!?! We knew Adrienne was not coming, but it took a minute to realize why the room felt like it was missing a piece. To this second, I still have no idea where she is. If found, please comment. (Rehab??? Or is just Kim hitting the bottle? Plotting Kelsey Grammer’s murder? YES!)
Part 1 was actually pretty tame. Sure, we touched the Kim’s alcoholism button, but I don’t think it has been pressed. Sure, Brandi mouthed off about Adrienne not being there. Fine. All manageable, standard reunion behavior until the ladies started ganging up on Yolanda. YOLANDA! Spiller of ALL THE T!!!!! It was loud and it was fast. The fight was essentially that she is more two-faced than she claims…aka they realized she spills T all day long and that needs to end. Immediately. My favorite part of this squabble is when Kim Richards feels the Holy Spirit…or thinks she is Whitney Houston…
(I can’t find the picture that Steve wanted me to post here… or I just don’t understand his instructions. I thought this charming picture of Harry Styles would suffice.)
The episode ends abruptly with this fire spitting contest.
I look forward to next week where (I’m sure) Faye and/or Marisa will show up, the MEN have their 15 minutes, and we get to the juicy stuff. (CAMILLE BETTER SHOW UP!)
Thanks for reading, Revolutionaries! (Again Revolution-ers)I hope Rocco will have me back next week for Part 2! (Duh, of course— but I’m not paying you)
Oh…and Atlanta reunion is around the corner…just sayin’… (Not to be racist— but they’re the best because they are really loud)
(Side note: I really thought his name was Omar and have called him Omar when I talk about how ridiculous these two are in my head. Crazy.)
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are taking a break from their reality show, that I can not remember what the name was but let’s assume there are a lot of “k”‘s, so that obviously means these two are heading for a divorce.
“Our show is not cancelled,” Kardashian tells Entertainment Tonight. “Lamar and I have chosen to take a break this summer. We’ve been on a whirlwind doing back-to-back shows, and we just want to take a little time off for Lamar to be with family time, kids, basketball, Olympics — you never know. So, we have a lot on our plate right now.
I’m not really sure what the olympics have to do with anything, because I’m pretty sure Lamar Odom can’t even stay employed by the NBA, but let’s assume this means we’ll be seeing even more of these two idiots BECAUSE THEY ARE PROBABLY GETTING A DIVORCE AND CAN NOT STAY AWAY FROM THE MEDIA!
I’m sure the statement from the couple can be interpreted as “Khloe & Lamar Take On Divorce Proceedings: I Wish We Could Use More “K”‘s”.
To hand in my resume for my servitude to Mr. Cowell I usually just FedEx myself, or send a singing telegram, or pose as his masseuse. I’m not crazy and would never break into his bathroom like this psycho.
“Simon rushed upstairs to find out what was going on,” Clifford said. ”It came from the bathroom so he went in and there was a woman standing there holding a brick.”
Citing sources, The Sun reported that the woman was believed to be an ”over-zealous fan.”
Police confirmed that a 29-year-old woman had been taken into custody and was due to appear at West London Magistrates’ Court.
She was just a fan? She didn’t even want a job. What a crazy lady!
1) The Kardashian’s. They always get together like a more fabulous Addams Family and take this panoramic shot of their family to send out to friends & family i.e. Ryan Seacrest and the rest of the staff at E!.
I know this probably doesn’t happen, but I always pictures the Kardashian Klan getting dressed up like this, and heading to JC Penny photo center with their own backdrop to get a picture for their Christmas card.
You couldn’t pay me the millions these morons receive to be a part of their family.
2) Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson. I’m pretty sure we could all go to jail for looking at this Christmas card. And let me just remind you, this is a 17-year-old girl, who’s married to a 54-year-old man, claims to be not at all artificial, and of course she loves Jesus so much.
Can’t you just imagine her killing her fragile Grandma by sending her this Christmas card, while Grandma is in a home trying not to die before Christmas??
Anyway, Happy Holidays!! I hope your cards are a little classier ….and less limber.
I feel like The Herp or syphilis is a more appropriate costume for Kim Kardashian. I’d even accept scabies as a proper costume.
Kim Kardashian went as Poison Ivy for Halloween, and yes she meant it as the Batman villain Poison Ivy, but then my joke wouldn’t have worked out, so just pretend she meant it as the poison ivy you get when you pee in the woods while camping.
And of course she was sans Kris Humphries so let’s assume he was overseas attending some Breaking Dawn preview just so he can catch a glimpse at his parents, Kellan Lutz and Taylor Lautner.
I love to pretend there’s an east coast/west coast battle brewing in America and last night’s X Factor auditions on the east coast were fuel to that fire. And pretty much that “fire” I speak of is the rest of America making fun of Newark because the majority of people on X Factor last night were straight up dumb.
Ryan Bradley: Black Biebers don’t work.
Though this kid is singing a love rap song to his mom (WORD UP MA!)… he knows people who could kill me. I’m not going to make fun of him.
Kelly Warner: You Lee D fans hate her, right??? She sang “Hallelujah” and I know you all think no one can sing that song EVER again.
I’m a fan of her though…Simon is all about it and by default I need to love her.
Lilliana Rose: I’m going to hire her to be my child’s nanny. I hope her singing career doesn’t work out because my kid is going to need a quirky, fun nanny when I’m too busy ignoring them because a Real Housewife marathon is on.
Andy: I think his mom is a midget too. I didn’t know their was an epidemic in mom midgets happening. This son and mom duo are… let’s just say I’m glad Simon wasn’t too mean to him.
Clarissa: The only reason I’m glad this woman is making my ears bleed is because I was able to hear Simon Cowell laugh. When Simon Cowell laughs I feel, as I imagine, how mother’s feel when they hear their baby giggle for the first time; pure magic!
Cari Flethcer: HEY GIRL HEEEEY! Pretty blonde girl. Guys will want to sleep with her… sign her up.
I refuse to believe this chick is 17. No 17 looks like that. She’s good though. Her debut album better be called Barbie.
Ausem: Austin and Emily: Real life Glee. I can’t wait for this boy to come out of the closet. That will be a good US Weekly. I’m a fan of this high school drama class on X Factor, but that doesn’t shock any of you.
Bieber wannabe (Nick Dean): Bieber cut his hair… so he should too. I love that this kid is singing “his first single”. It’s about texting and he’s wearing a choker with skinny jeans. 13 year old girls are dreaming about him.
Brennin Hunt: THIS IS MY CRUSH! I need one every season and just his intro on X Factor made want to stalk him. He has spiky hair, he’s kinda tool-ish, spells his name wrong, has a twang, part of me wants to punch him… all that mixed together means I love him.
I thought Paula was going to jump on the stage and maul him. Bitch better back up.
Next week on X Factor is “Boot Camp”. I don’t know what that means but it has to be better than these auditions.
Ahh This Is The “Kim Kardashian Impending Divorce Blah Blah Blah” Magazine Covers I’ve Been Waiting For
Posted September 15, 2011on:
What has it been?? Like 3 weeks?? YOU TAKE WAY TOO LONG LIFE & STYLE!!!
Now, as interested as I am in J Lo and Bradley Cooper’s “revenge date” and Ali Lohan’s new (and scary) face…. I really want to read about this divorce that will happen during sweeps week in February for E!, I’m sure.
For you married folk, you can all sympathize. I mean, 3 weeks?!?! That’s the 3 week itch all married couples get. That’s the point when you realize you just married this person for a fresh storyline for your reality show or dare I say… for money and a bunch of free shit. *gasp*
Oh, what is that you whisper?? No married couple goes through this and this just happens to people like the Kardashian’s because they are the closest things to the devil??? I see.
-Us Weekly also says that Kris thinks Kim is materialistic: Kim had a meltdown over losing a $75,000 earring in Bora Bora and Kris called her “materialistic.” In Bora Bora, there were rose petals on the bed, and Kim wrinkled her nose and declared them “messy.” But then Kris proposed with — what else? — rose petals. And! Kim told Kris that she can’t live a “lesser lifestyle,” which is code for “middle class.”
-In Touch says that Kim and Kris are having the “post-wedding blues.” The reality has set in, and it’s getting tense, because they have very different ways of living. Kim is worried about having to relocated to the middle of nowhere, if Kris gets signed by a team in an icky state. Also, Kim shops and shops and shops, while Kris is unemployed. They are married, “but financially they are divided,” says an insider. Also — and perhaps worst of all — “Kris snores like a freight train.”
-Star’s sources also say that Kris is pissed off at the “scripted” nature of EVERYTHING: “Just days before walking down the aisle Kris freaked out. He’s sick of how their lives are planned out like a scripted TV show, he doesn’t like how their relationship is all for the cameras …” Also, just days before the wedding, he freaked out. “Kim’ mom convinced him to go through with it.” Also, Kim told Kris she’d been planning this wedding since she was 10 years old, and he snapped: “Yeah, and you could just slot any guy into it.”
I can’t wait to see her squeeze some tears out of her botoxed face for the season premiere of Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s when this is clearly the plot line.
Also, I was inclined to feel bad for Mr. Kim Kardashian, but then I remembered how does Taylor Lautner and Kellan Lutz’s love child not know this is what he’s getting into when marrying into this family. We all watch E! news because Ryan Seacrest does black magic.
Good times. I hope E! airs the divorce trial for us. It’s only fair because they made us watch the 2 hour wedding special.
She was not joking around when she joined X Factor. If Paula Abdul hated Kara DioGuardi (but really… who didn’t??) you just knew she wasn’t going to stand for Nicole Scherzinger being the pretty one. Hence the elixir of life that was clearly consumed right before these promo shots for X Factor were taken.
I seriously can not wait for these drug induced escapades that will be shared weekly on live television with America. This is why television was invented in the first place… for moments like this and for people like her.
Anyway, there are more promo shoots with the other judges and host just being photoshopped.
I’m still really confused at what role Nicole Scherzinger is playing in this show. I heard she was a judge, a host, someone to just stand there and look pretty. I have no idea… maybe she’s just a floater?
They look fun.
He’s one of those people I like to call delusional. Hasn’t he ever heard of “no shirt, no shoes, no service”??? How he gets Slurpees from 7-Eleven is beyond me.
I really just want to punch him. In the face. And this is coming from someone who loves the Jersey Shore, so I can’t imagine what other people think.
I fully apologize to Ashley The Bachelorette because I was judging her television relationship with JP. But now that she gave an exclusive interview to People Magazine… the world and love makes sense to me once again.
The subtitles alone totally make me believe they will be together forever sans a reality television promoted life together.
-”How She’s Handling JP’s Jealousy” <—- That’s always an ingredient for a long-lasting recipe for love.
-”Facing Her Family’s disapproval” <— Even better than the jealousy. Nothing like Christmas dinner when your Father is trying to carve your husband’s face off instead of the turkey’s legs.
-”Why She Led Ben On” <—- Yes! Please throw in a possibility of an affair with Ben! That is the glue to any marriage.
I have a good feeling about this.
Oh and just a head’s up… look for me and Prince Harry’s cover on OK Magazine. It’ll happen in the next 5-9 months.