Posts Tagged ‘Titanic’
Posted May 13, 2013on:
If you’ve read The Revolution long enough, or at least have spoken with me for 3-5 minutes in a casual or formal setting, you know how I feel about Titanic.
I F**KING LOVE IT! I just know in my past life I was on the Titanic (and definitely survived because I just know how to do that kind of shit), and I live for the movie. I will most likely bring it up in daily conversations no matter who you are. President Obama? He’s getting asked about his feelings on Cal. Bill Nye? Tell me the science and physics of two bodies floating on a wooden door in the Atlantic. The guy I’m trying to seduce? I need to know his opinion on Jack and Rose’s love and their undeniable magic connection. And also, if he would trust me to unlock him from being handcuffed to a pole with my dope ax skills.
Anyway, the reason I’m getting into all this is One Direction sang a little bit of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” at their recent concert and they are all obviously trying to seduce me.
I need Harry Styles to draw me wearing anything.
I would murder to be on a large ship with the 5 guys of One Direction. Just want to put that out in the universe so hopefully my future will consist of a One Direction Booze Cruise without bloodshed.
Am I the only person who is at least a little bit shocked by this? I mean, this isn’t a “no shit” moment a la Lance Bass or Anderson Cooper.
Victor Garber, my homie Mr. Andrews from Titanic, came out as gay yesterday and I gasped because apparently I’m the only person in the world who thought he was banging a woman this entire time. In fact, I always imagined it (if I did, which is weird that I just admitted) in 1912 garb a la Titanic.
We can make that into a gay joke, right? Garber is sinking some old, hot ginge now! (Just go with it)
Umm ginger beard with a sprinkling of salt and pepper?? Be still my heart! Mr. Andrews bagged himself a hottie.
And just because….
I don’t know how I didn’t see it.
Wears suspenders? CHECK!
Hangs out with One Direction? CHECK! That is true— he toured with them.
Olly Murs is a British pop star, who I’m pretty sure was on X Factor, and is now breaking into the US pop music scene with his single “Heart Skips A Beat”.
He looks and sounds like he’s missing 4 other guys dancing around him…. which clearly makes me respect him more.
Plus, he’s straight up dressed like Jack Dawson from Titanic so that makes my heart skip a beat.
Posted September 24, 2012on:
I don’t know what 12-year-old girl made this but we might share DNA. Could I have given birth and not known about it? I mean, I guess it’s more likely that whoever made this and I are long-lost cousins— or a sister of mine that my mother put up for adoption.
I guess it’s even more likely that I have the maturity level of a 12-year-old girl when it comes to One Direction and Titanic and a mash-up of “What Makes You Beautiful” and “My Heart Will Go On” makes me cry tears of joy.
Ignore the fact that the video that accompanies this musical gem makes it look like they all drowned alongside Titanic’s 3rd class passengers and enjoy the perfection your ears are about to experience.
FYI—I just want to tell Harry Styles and/or Zayn Malik, “You jump, I jump”.
I mean… that song IS what makes life beautiful.
I unfortunately didn’t create that either.
I would have hurled myself off any Titanic replica if Jeremy Sisto was Jack Dawson. And I know you are thinking that I wouldn’t have known any better, but I have intuition and I would have known a lot better.
As part of the Blu-Ray special disc release of Titanic (I’m seriously considering buying a TV and a Blu- Ray player just for this) James Cameron released Kate Winslet’s screen test.
But before we get into that— don’t expect to see a dashing and young Leo DiCaprio in the role as Jack. Jeremy “GOD!! CAN’T YOU SUCK, ELTON!!” Sisto is sitting in as Jack. GROOOOOSSSSSS!!!
I don’t care who your father is, Elton… VIVA LA LEO!!
So, that’s adorable. Their chemistry is— well, it’s just not there at all. I had more chemistry with the first boy who tried to kiss me/slobbered on me in 5th grade.
I hope you are all laughing at my killer Clueless jokes.
AGHHHHH THE BETRAYAL!!! AGHHHH SEASON FINALE!!! (I stole that red ‘A’ idea from ABC Family)
Question: Am I a pretty little liar or am I just a liar?
Anyway, welcome to the greatest most A.D.D. recap of Pretty Little Liars you will ever read. I hope you enjoy it— please don’t betray me! (HAH! Get it? Get it?!? Don’t worry if you don’t.. that made no sense) Let’s go:
PS Quotes from PLL fanatic, Juliet, will be sprinkled throughout— prepare for hilarity.
- When the episode starts off with an ambulance you know shit is bad.
- OH GOD WHY IS HANNA CRYING?!?!??! WHO IS DEAD?!?! IF THEY KILLED OFF CALEB I’M GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE!!!!
- Oh and of course they Quentin Tarentino’ed that and the episode starts 2 days prior to that drama rama scene.
- The girls are going to meet with Emily and have an intervention because her girlfriend, Rage Paige is A MURDERER!!!
- This is a really awkward intervention and Emily just said “friggin’ but she meant “f**kin’”.
- OHHH They whip out the earring… BOOM! Suck on that Emily.
- Emily hates all her friends and will obviously run into the arms of Rage Paige.
- Aria is all self involved because Ezra has a kid he doesn’t know about and she’s making it her problem.
- Spencer’s shirt has lambs on it and is hideous. She confronts Rage Paige and the rage is boiling. Spencer is a bad ass bitch. I like Spencer.
- Emily is pussy whipped.. sorry it had to be said. PLL makes Lesbians look bad.
Juliet: I have Emily’s shirt and Aria’s shoes.
Juliet: Is this “The BetrayAl: Inside Juliet’s Closet”?
- Paige just got a text about going to a cemetery. Probably so she can dig up Allie’s body and steal shit from her grave.
- Spencer and Hanna are really good at language. English and Spanish.
- ” Stand down, bitches. Play it my way and Emily stays safe- A”
- MONA ESCAPED!! MONA ESCAPED! That mental hospital has the absolute worst security because she just escaped looking like a nurse from 1940.
- The girls got a message to go to Allie’s grave and bring Maya’s bag.
- Oh and of course there’s a body bag involved— these bitches need to go tell their parents. I would have moved from this ridiculous town months ago.
- Hanna almost killed Caleb with a lamp and he’s going to the graveyard with them. I love when he’s being all superhero-y. I love him. Love him so so much.
- Emily is going out of town with Black Hanson while the trial for Maya’s trial is going on. Black Hanson is dodgy and will probably kill her. And yes… I think everyone is a killer on this show.
Rocco: You should style PLL
Juliet: I mean, dream job. Besides styling “A Very One Direction Christmas” album cover
(They NEED to make a Christmas album. I’ve never needed anything more)
- BUTT CHIN FALCON BOY RETURNS! CAW CAW! Slow motion run to Spencer and make out. and the camera is circling them. I’m getting nauseous and not just because of the double butt chins happening…. motion sickness.
- WTF?!?!? Maggie shows up at Ezra’s and Maggie doesn’t call Aria out for being a stalker and going to see her. Maggie can’t just show up with her short hair cut and secret baby. Ezra’s mom is going to cut her off.
-This is the most awkward thing ever— why is Aria sitting on the couch with Maggie? Sit with Ezra. Maggie of course asks Aria straight up why she hasn’t told him about the baby.
Juliet: OMG ALEX MAX IS EZRA’S BABY MAMA!!
Rocco: OMG IT IS!!!! At least she can run from ‘A’ by turning into a puddle.
- How did we all miss that Maggie was Alec Mack last week?
- Caleb is bringing a gun to the graveyard meeting because he’s a bad ass. I’m a democrat so I’m not all about guns—- but that’s hot.
- I don’t like when Mona wears a hoodie— that means trouble.
- Rosewood is falling apart apocalypse style and Spencer and Butt Chin are having sex. Like really? I mean I get it, but there is other shit going down. I guess teen sex trumps everything.
Juliet: I’m glad Falcon Boy and Nancy Drew use a time like this to consummate their relationship!!
-Caleb is smart and bears arms.
- And message for teens— teen sex is not like Spencer and Butt Chins. It’s way more awkward. There is no soundtrack.
Juliet: Now that Spencer lost her virginity, maybe she’ll stop dressing like a Von Trapp and studying so much.
- Oh that sex got Spencer all riled up! “I am so ready for this to be over”.
- Mona is listening to Rage Against the Machine and is ready for battle. And that mask!?!? GOD WHY IS THIS SHOW SO FRIGHTENING!!??
- Caleb is a super hero! A sexy sexy super hero.
- Emily is sleeping at Black Hanson’s caleb and gets a scary call “you have 1 minute— GET OUT!”. Bane just called Emily. Bane is pretty little liar.
- Black Hanson has the same shitty painted up boot as someone in the pictures of Maya before she died. HE KILLED HER!! Why is Black Hanson killing his cousin? Was Maya even black? Is that her cousin!? This show is the 8th wonder of the world.
Juliet: Is Black Hanson A or just a crazy black guy in an upper middle class whute suburban town emotionally distraught about the loss of his cousin and sexually frusturated about Emily’s homosexuality? ABC FAM!! I need ANSWERS GOD DAMN IT!
- Caleb is sexy and smart and is going to get Emily— I think? Of course Emily has no cell service
-Emily: ” you scared me half to death:
Black Hanson: “not really— but I will” <— WTF?!?? Who says that???
- So Black Hanson is not her cousin (or some serious incest going on) and he’s pissed at Emily? OH GOD! HE’S GONNA KILL RAGE PAIGE!! SHE’S BEEN KIDNAPPED!!
Juliet: I’m more disturbed by the fact Black Hanson loved his cousin more than him killing her!
- IF THEY KILL OFF CALEB I’M GOING TO MURDER! LIKE BLACK HANSON STYLE!!!
- I’m just going to say it: Black Hanson is a homophobe because he can’t stop killing lesbians.
-I’m so scared and so confused you guys. Were they cousins? Why is he killing lesbians? WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!??!
- The PLL’s walk in and no one is there— magic??? No Emily and No More Rage Paige ran out. Everything is moving too fast.
Juliet: I love how Emily left Rage Paige there to die!
- A LIGHTHOUSE?!??! HIDING IN A LIGHTHOUSE?!?!? Oh just get murdered now— prime murdering spot.
- Of course Emily is attacked by Black Hanson and she just tabbed the shit out of him.
- Caleb shows up super sexy, but super late and puts DOWN HIS GUN LIKE A GODDAMN IDIOT!!!
- DID CALEB GET SHOT?!?!? STOP IT !! WHAT?!? AGHHHHH
(I’m just going to write the rest of this in caps!— CAPS LOCK PARTY!)
Juliet: I can’t with this show! It has more suspense than a Liam Neeson movie!
-BUT SERIOUSLY— IF THEY KILL OFF CALEB… I WILL STRAIGHTEN Y HAIR EVERYDAY IN MEMORY OF HIM.
CALEB GOT SHOT!!!! CALEB GOT SHOT!! OH SHIT! (good thing his Twilight extra work is over)
Juliet: I’m crying. Caleb is Hanna’s tur love. Their love is parallel to Jack and Rose’s.
- THESE GIRLS HAVE NEVER NEEDED MORE THERAPY IN THEIR LIVES.
- Spencer feels like shit because Paige Rage is well, No Rage Paige.
- WHO CARES HOW EMILY IS HOLDING UP!!!– CALEB JUST GOT SHOT AND IS IN SURGERY!!
- “Emily I owe you one “- Bane called and said that.
- Garrett is free and he smiled a creepy smile.Garrett and Bane are sleeping together. Obviously.
- Mona is talking to Black Hooded Figure and setting up Rage Paige?? IM SO CONFUSED!
WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!??! BUTT CHIN BUTT CHIN?!?!?! STOP IT STOP IT!!!
IT’S NOT COMING BACK UNTIL OCTOBER 23?!?!? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE?!??!
You guys… I have anxiety because of this show. I need to lie down.
I mean, talk about 3D.
In a goddamn boat! How lifelike! How dramatizing!
I do appreciate the enthusiasm. I can already tell these people would be my best friends. They probably lived a past life as a Titanic passengers, just like me.
I experienced Titanic in 3D last night and it was the greatest thing my eyes have ever seen. I’m pretty sure it will trump the moment I give birth. And listen, I know I have a strange obsession with Titanic but it’s only because in a past life I was a passenger on Titanic. True story. I’m pretty sure that’s why I have a connection with Titanic.
Anyway, you need to see this film in 3D because it’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see. And lucky you… below I pointed out all the reasons why this movie is an adventure for the heart, mind, body and soul. (Note: these things may or may not have to do with 3D, but you get the idea)
- BILLY ZANE! Billy Zane you are such an asshole as Cal. Cal is just an awful human being. Part of me thinks he actually loves Rose, but the other part of me thinks he just likes to win (“I always win, Jack. One way or another”). But really… he’s just despicable. He frames Jack for theft, slaps his fiance, is over bearing, is probably sleeping with Rose’s mom, and kidnaps a 3rd class child to save his own ass (Because a man in a tux has a child who wears a fashionable doo-rag). But with that being said, he does is all while looking dashing. Billy Zane as Cal is a hottie. He has great hair, he dresses swanky, and he has an arrogant swag about him that causes you to fall a little bit in love with him, but I’d still rather be Jack’s whore than his wife.
End result: no one is sad when the crash of 1929 causes him to put a bullet in his mouth.
“You can be blasé about some things, Rose, but not about Titanic. It’s over a hundred feet longer than the Mauritania and far more luxurious.”
- KATE WINSLET’S DRESSES! Omg in 3D they are exquisite. I can’t even. The one she’s in when she almost commits suicide? Beautiful. I’m glad she was going to go with a bloodless suicide because you don’t want to ruin the beading on that dress with brains.
“Wanna go to a real party?” dress? LOVE! She can jig in it, drink beer, and stand up on he toes… it’s perfect.
“Put your hands on me, Jack” ensemble? What an outfit to lose your virginity to Jack Dawson in? I mean, I’d wear it if it got me in the back seat of the T Model Ford with Jack. Just saying.
“I want you to draw me like one of your French girls”
- JACK DAWSON IN 3D! Even more beautiful than Rose DeWitt Bukater’s dresses. OH MY F**CKIN’ GOD! He sparkled. He shined up like a new penny, if you will. His hair never looked sleeker, his eyes never looked so blue, and OH MY GOD HE NEVER LOOKED SO FROZEN! Leonardo DiCaprio is a vision in this movie and the 3D glasses only made it better.
I also want to make this known publicly that I will be naming one of my son’s Jack. And yes it will be after Jack Dawson because “he saved me. saved me in every way a person can be saved”.
“The best I’ve seen, ma’am. Hardly any rats.”
”I don’t know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this. “
“cause we’re going to America, full house boys! Wohoo! “
- TOMMY RYAN! Tommy Ryan is a underrated character. He’s awesome. He friend-ed Fabrizio (more on him next) when Jack forgot about his friend and he helped Jack bash the bench against the gate AND THEN HE PUNCHED THE WHITE STAR LINE EMPLOYEE IN THE NOSE! Tommy Ryan did not deserve to get shot at the end….. it makes me sad.
“Music to drown by… now I know I’m in 1st class”
- FABRIZIO! Love him. You forget about him, but you shouldn’t. He’s great. He barely speaks English, but he’s 1/2 of the 1st bromance ever to be portrayed in cinema. Jack and Fabi are bros and they awkwardly hug when they are reunited when the ship is sinking. Fabi is the original guido.
“ I can see the Statue of Liberty already!… Very small, of course.”
“GOODBYE. I WILL NEVA FORGET YOUUUUUU!”
- MOLLY BROWN! Molly Brown is a bad ass bitch. Love this feminist circa 1912. Plus, she shines up Jack like a new penny and wants to go back and save the passengers who went down with Titanic. “I don’t understand not one of ya!… It’s your men out there!”. Sadly, she had to shut her that ‘ol in her face!
“Are ya gonna cut her meat for her to there, Cal?”
“Say who came up with the name Titanic… was it you Bruce?”
- BRUCE ISMAY! F**K YOU, BRUCE! Light the last boiler? How about I light you on fire? You got your headlines (2nd tape!) asshole!
“Retire with a bang… eh E.J.?”
- OLD ROSE! She’s not a very old goddamn liar, she’s a very old woman with a heart that is similar to an ocean full of secrets. She brought Jack to the rest of us and I’m very happy for that. And when she dies and goes to heaven as pretty, young Rose and meets Jack at the top of the stairs by the clock?!?! I kid you not, I have chills just writing that out and I’m trying not to burst into tears because I’m in public.
And she has a mullet.
“Wasn’t I a dish?”
- LOVE! This is the greatest love story ever told. The Notebook can suck it, because Ally and Noah have nothing on Jack and Rose. Would you jump off the life boat? Probably not, and Ally certainly wouldn’t. And true there was room on the wooden door… but let’s not even go there.
“Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and you’re gonna make lots of babies, and you’re gonna watch them grow. You’re gonna die an old… an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?”
“Jack. Jack. *sob* Jack. I’ll never let go. I’ll never let go. Come back… come… COME BACK!”
Seriously. Go see this in theaters again it will change your life. This movie is not made to be seen on TBS… it needs to always be on the big screen. I may make sure my next apartment has a theater room just so I can watch Titanic on repeat.
Are you all in tears? It’s okay. Don’t be ashamed. This may be the best thing I’ve ever written.
I smell a new series, sure to win awards one day, entitled “A Quote From….”
“We do look very different, we’re older. Leo’s 37, I’m 36 — we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he’s fatter now — I’m thinner.”
– Kate Winslet on her and Leonardo DiCaprio’s Titanic transformations.
Titanic 3D is released tomorrow. I can’t wait to see it 17 times in theaters and cry every single time.
Really? REALLY, LEO?!? This hurts.
Leonardo DiCaprio wasn’t as the Titanic 3D premiere and I’m reaching for things to write about this early in the morning, so let’s just look at a picture of people who care enough about Titanic 3D to make an appearance at the premiere.
Actually, it’s just Kate Winslet and a bald Billy Zane.
Let’s just assume Leonardo DiCaprio would have worn a blue, velvet suit to the premiere like he did in 1997.