Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise’
I Need To Lose 100 LBS STAT So I Can Fit Into Suri Cruise’s Children’s Clothing Line
Posted on: May 13, 2013
And I also need to find a way to shrink my stature under 4’5. DON’T FAIL ME NOW SCIENCE!
The potential fashion line story comes from The Sun, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt (and therefore praying to all the gods I was forced to learn about during the World Religion class I took when I was feeling existential and 20— new Taylor Swift song).
“Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”
What a “riches to even richer” story! Suri did have a rough year. I mean, girl had a rough life— her dad is Tom Cruise. I can’t wait to see her scribbles aka designs.
If this ever becomes reality I’m either finding a way to fit my ass into these clothes or popping out a baby so I can dress my kid (son or daughter) in these clothes.
Blue Ivy Carter is going to be piiiiiiiiiiiised.
-Rocco
Sweet ass bangs you got there, girl!
Nothing like being the dopest celebrity kid on the block and cutting your own bangs like a boss!
Clearly Suri is going to pretend that this is the new style (and it will be now. Side note: I’m chopping my own bangs right now), even though deep down inside we all know that Suri threw a tantrum and cut her own bangs with Playskool scissors.
-Rocco
Word on the street is Tom Cruise is courting Cameron Diaz and this courtship is for more than just making crappy movies.
I don’t really have much to say is this coupling makes complete sense.
1) Tom Cruise is probably gay.
2) Cameron Diaz looks like a dude and has jacked up muscles like a dude.
THIS IS GONNA LAST! I just hope Xenu knows how many cc’s of scientology drugs to give her to keep her complacent.
-Rocco
Pacey Witter & Joey Potter Reunited (Yes. Truly) And It Feels Soooo Good (Well, To Me It Does)
Posted on: September 25, 2012
- In: Tidbits
- 2 Comments
Besides Katie Holmes freedom and lack of drug induced red carpet appearances, another great result has occurred since her divorce from Tom Cruise and therefore great break from Scientology— SHE CALLED JOSHUA JACKSON!
Now, if you didn’t hit puberty in the late 90′s/early 2000′s you have no idea what I’m talking about and you don’t care, but basically Katie Holmes played Joey Potter and Joshua Jackson played Pacey Witter on Dawson’s Creek and they told one of the greatest love stories ever!
I mean, just look at that awesome tube top and the love in their eyes!
Anyway, Katie Holmes and Joshua Jackson reunited and my teenage heart burst.
Joshua Jackson— you are so hot and that teal sweater is very becoming on you. And this interview took a dark turn when Joshua Jackson tells the story of his Dad reappearing after not being in his life for 20 years.
Wow. I was expecting this to be a light-hearted story of Katie and Joshua making fun of Tom Cruise and James Van Der Beek behind their backs.
Sorry about this all.
-Rocco
Katie Holmes Already Found A Better, Straighter And Non- Scientologist Version Of Tom Cruise
Posted on: July 30, 2012
Suri was with the nanny (probably just some part-time college student looking for cash because ya know Katie Holmes is on this whole “normal” kick and “normal” people don’t have au pairs) while Katie Holmes was getting some at a restaurant un NYC on Friday night.
And by getting some I mean food and maybe some under the table loving because ya know…. the guy is good looking and NOT Tom Cruise so therefore into the ladies. *wink wink*
Okay. That is the only evidence I have but just go with it because I said so.
-Rocco
Okay. I know we make fun of Tom Cruise for being a shitty parent because well, he’s a Scientologist and they are just scientifically bad parents (probably), but now that Katie Holmes is free from Tom’s Xenu cocoon she’s just straight up neglecting Suri.
First, there was the “No, I’m not buying you a puppy after I teased you with it in the pet store” and then there was word that she was forcing Suri to put on some cheap Gossip Girl school girl uniform and go to Catholic school!
Well, now there is photographic evidence of Katie Holmes forcing Suri Cruise to fly commercial and Suri is not happy. I mean, I fly commercial, but the only reason I do it is because Jet Blue says I riding with the animals in the cargo may be cheaper, but it’s unsanitary. What?
Will Tom Cruise stand for this?!?
Well. he has too because Katie Holmes has so much shit on him it’s not even funny! And by “shit”, I mean him and John Travolta probably hang out a lot.
-Rocco
I know everyone keeps bashing Tom Cruise and Scientology… and I’m no different. That’s definitely why Katie Holmes was getting no work. She was drugged up and Xenu kept her locked in a basement while Suri Cruise ran the household.
Well, Katie Holmes is a free woman– denying puppies to her daughter, sending Suri to Catholic school, and getting a job so she can pay those bills!
Katie Holmes is staring in the Broadway play Dead Accounts.
The 33-year-old actress will play “a fairly unglamorous character, Lorna, who is living with her aging parents in Cincinnati while trying to pull together her own life (which includes being on a diet),” according to the New York Times.
I mean, I was honestly hoping for a Dawson’s Creek reunion but this will do. Suri Cruise needs things and Tom Cruise keeps paying his child support in Monopoly money. Or so I heard.
-Rocco
Tom Cruise Finally Sees Suri Cruise. Probably Takes Her To A Scientology Gala
Posted on: July 18, 2012
Come on little one– Baby Xenu misses you
Katie Holmes basically won this divorce if it was a contest (all break ups are contests) because I’m so convinced she has all this weird crap on Tom Cruise that he doesn’t want revealed, but she was nice enough to let Tommy see Suri– even though Suri Cruise is just going to spend the time with her father bitching about not getting that damn dog and/or murdering him.
Tom Cruise better watch his back– Katie probably told him that Tom didn’t want her to have the puppy. NO ONE IS SAFE!
Did anyone else just get chills?
-Rocco
Suri Cruise Is Being Neglected Now
Posted on: July 17, 2012
Wow. This whole new Katie Holmes is like a real mom. Part of me (and that’s the part of my heart that beats only for my favorite celebrity baby, Suri Cruise) hates Katie Holmes right now. I almost miss when she was walking through the Xenu drug haze that she was in for years while married to Tom Cruise.
Why is Suri Cruise ready to burst into tears while looking at that puppy?
Well, it’s because her newly freed mom, Ms. Holmes, made the worst decision ever and brought a kid into a pet store and then refused to buy a puppy.
WHAT THE HELL?!?!
So mean! Bringing a child into a pet store (or toy store) and then not buying anything should be constituted as a form of child abuse. Poor Suri— she’s so neglected.
Suri will murder for this. This is something she’ll tell her court ordered therapist about.
True story: The reason my beloved childhood dog, Maxx (yes.. he changed his name from “Max” to “Maxx” because he was an innovator) was because I had a nervous breakdown in the pet store until my parents agreed to purchase the puppy for my sister and I.
-Rocco
Xenu is not going to be happy about this.
F**k you, Xenu and Tom Cruise!
Word on the street is Katie Holmes, in lieu of an exorcism (I kid… I kid. But not really), Suri Cruise will attend an all girls catholic school come September.
Now, just picture Suri Cruise in school—– POPULAR KID!
Suri Cruise is going to rule that shit, like no other. I already feel her making fun of me and I don’t even go to that school.
Jesus better say hello to the new queen bee.
-Rocco
